Sex is too much effort - apparently

[HigglePiggle976]

My wife and I are extremely loving. We've had great sex together in the past, off and on like most I presume.
However of late, she says that she just can't be bothered. It's 'too much effort'. Whilst I totally understand where she's coming from, I'm getting a little frustrated.
We're both in our 50s. She has a couple of years ago had a hysterectomy and is on HRT. Initially and over the past year she was extremely excitable. Was able to orgasm fairly readily. And would be happy to initiate things. Of late though, she struggles to climax. She says that she enjoys sex but is so frustrated by not being able to climax that she'd rather not bother.
We've tried oral stimulation (which she enjoys) and hand and of course intercourse but, she says that she gets to 95% and it just won't climax. She ends up getting sore.
Any hints and tips anyone?

Not experienced in HRT and hysterectomy related issues but often the advice on here particularly when it comes to orgasms is to try and take the pressure off orgasming and focus instead on enjoying closeness and sensations. Sounds like it’s become a lot about the frustration of not being able to climax rather than the enjoyment of physical intimacy.

So i’d say take orgasms off the table, maybe for both of you for a bit and see what else you can explore - massage, hugs, just being with each other naked and so on. Once the pressure is off you might find whole new ways of relating physically occur.

I feel her pain.

Menopausal issues include dryness and loss of libedo.

I don’t know about hysterectomies or hrt but hopefully someone wiser will come along.

If her hormones are changing with age perhaps her hrt may need reassessed? I don’t know how that works at all sorry. I hope you can work something out.

I put out for ages when I really didn’t want to just to keep the peace. Nobody should have to do that. It’s good you are considering what you can do to make things good for you both and not just thinking of yourself.

Has your wife discussed the matter with her GP because it's surprising what a difference appropriate advice, switching HRT, vaginal gels, the use of dilators etc. can make?

Bit of lube, that it slow, enjoy the physical closeness. You sound caring and understanding I am sure you will get there in the end.

Being sore and getting no pleasure from it I get why she doesn't want to.

Maybe you should find a way to decrease your drive.

Maybe you should find a way to decrease your drive

Like how exactly ? That’s like saying don’t feel hungry because your dinner companion has lost their appetite.

@RantyAunty

Being sore and getting no pleasure from it I get why she doesn't want to.

Maybe you should find a way to decrease your drive.

Lol! Tongue in cheek I presume.

I'm looking for help really, but thanks for your input.

If genders were reversed people would be saying that your partner was obviously off using porn ... However, I think the idea of some kind of break from any pressure of climaxing makes sense. Alternatively, any use of vibrators that may help 'bring things to a conclusion!' as that is their job after all?

As for too much effort, I'm never quite sure why half an hour (say) out of 168 hours a week is so much to have to squeeze in.

Does she use a vibrator? That can push you over the edge and help to 'finish'. And could be fun to incorporate. Lelo do some very discrete and effective ones.

Can she climax alone?

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Does she use a vibrator? That can push you over the edge and help to 'finish'. And could be fun to incorporate. Lelo do some very discrete and effective ones.

She has one but I am 'informed' "not been used in ages". I do believe her. She's not keen on us using it together. I think that some things she likes to keep to herself and I don't blame her. I think it's just that the drive / desire has gone for the time being. It becomes a mission for her to climax. And then she kind of gives up after quite a while. I think the mind wanders :-)

I think the suggestions of moving away from the aim to climax, could be the way to go. We both get to enjoy the intimacy and take it to as far as it goes. I might have to 'pop away and enjoy myself' discretely.

Lube and toys might be the way to go. Have you tried using a vibrator when you have sex?

Is she on anti-depressants? Just a thought because it can make climaxing impossible.

I was thrilled when my husband left me during the menopause, I felt like shit, had no sex drive and was tired all of the time. His sex pestering constantly made me want to murder him.
Life is so much better and more peaceful now. I have time to do what I want for a change.

@Divebar2021

Maybe you should find a way to decrease your drive

Like how exactly ? That’s like saying don’t feel hungry because your dinner companion has lost their appetite.

I laughed at this. A lovely understanding husband being told to decrease his drive!!! I also think she is putting too much pressure on herself and you you to get her there - sex is very pleasurable and intimate without orgasms every time. Durex Feel lube in the blue tube is very good

If you're not already, you definitely need lube.

Also agree that if she's on AD's this could affect her drive as well.

Just a thought. Is she secretly using the vibrator and it’s the only way she can come now? I think I would hunt it down and hide it and see if she begs for it back! ( this is tongue in cheek!)

The thing is though, if someone appeared in the bedroom with a tube of lube i would be upset, and would assume I was unpleasantly dry. I love lube and it revolutionised my sex life because I found it for myself.

The messages she is giving right now are that she is finding it hard to orgasm and without coming, sex isn't worth it for her. Well, it sounds like it would definitely be worth it for you, to be close and intimate and sexual even if you didn't come. So maybe you need to say that? Not in a pressuring way, but to say, I love you and want you sexually and if there is a way to make it work I'd love to know what it is.

If she’s sore it may be that she needs internal oestrogen as well as systemic HRT - Ovestin vaginal oestrogen creams and Vagifem can be really good. But obviously that’s only if she wants to explore that option - the drive to change things has to be there in the first place.

@Catlover1970

Just a thought. Is she secretly using the vibrator and it’s the only way she can come now? I think I would hunt it down and hide it and see if she begs for it back! ( this is tongue in cheek!)

Also quite disrespectful of something that may be creating considerable distress for both parties or is an issue of some contention.

she says that she just can't be bothered. It's 'too much effort'

You know, it’s not easy for someone to come out and say that to their partner so she’s being deadly serious. She doesn’t want sex anymore and you need to stop pressuring her about it.

I am around that age and many of my similarly aged friends have told me that the hormonal changes is like having a tap turned off they have gone from loving sex to literally "cannot be bothered" and could happily never have sex again.

I think you and your wife need to discuss whether she actually does want to have sex or it's off the cards.

It's a massive change for women and they literally can't help it their drive has vanished.

She doesn’t want sex anymore and you need to stop pressuring her about it.

And if that's not the kind of life you want, you are well within your right to take a different path and leave to find love and intimacy elsewhere.

Suggest she gets a GP check up
Thyroid levels
Vit D
Iron
Vit B12

All of those can drop at her age and all will impact libido

Why do men only post on here about problems with there sex life.

If my husband said I've been discussing the problems in our sex life on a online women's forum.., I've now got some great ideas, he's be lucky if he got it again this year.