Sex is too much effort - apparently

[HigglePiggle976]

My wife and I are extremely loving. We've had great sex together in the past, off and on like most I presume.
However of late, she says that she just can't be bothered. It's 'too much effort'. Whilst I totally understand where she's coming from, I'm getting a little frustrated.
We're both in our 50s. She has a couple of years ago had a hysterectomy and is on HRT. Initially and over the past year she was extremely excitable. Was able to orgasm fairly readily. And would be happy to initiate things. Of late though, she struggles to climax. She says that she enjoys sex but is so frustrated by not being able to climax that she'd rather not bother.
We've tried oral stimulation (which she enjoys) and hand and of course intercourse but, she says that she gets to 95% and it just won't climax. She ends up getting sore.
Any hints and tips anyone?

@BasicDad

She doesn’t want sex anymore and you need to stop pressuring her about it.

And if that's not the kind of life you want, you are well within your right to take a different path and leave to find love and intimacy elsewhere.

Two extreme views here, from militant wife “she doesn’t have to make any effort if it doesn’t suit her” to militant husband “if the sex isn’t good I’m off” In a relationship where people care about each other both will try to meet somewhere in the middle.

@Coronawireless no, I agree. They should try and work it out, and I think asking for advice here is part of that process.

If his wife, as the PP I quoted suggested, doesn't want sex any more, then I don't think it's a militant position to be considering that the relationship is over if that's not what he wants.

@slightlysnippy

Why do men only post on here about problems with there sex life.

If my husband said I've been discussing the problems in our sex life on a online women's forum.., I've now got some great ideas, he's be lucky if he got it again this year.

An anonymous forum. A loving husband wondering how he can help. Why not! That's what the talk pages are for. Sex isn't taboo anymore.

.

I hate this feeling that we are all expected to be fully up for sex ad Infinitum. In my Late 50s being honest I’m just not interested in it anymore mentally or physically- and I think it’s really hard for the women who continue to have a sex drive and certainly a lot of men to understand that if you no longer feel that way it actually feels awful if you ‘force yourself’ as some say in order for there to be a middle ground. I don’t in all honesty think there is much of a middle ground, you actually feel that way still or you don’t. I do appreciate that’s often why affairs start and why some split up— and I have come to terms with that , maybe as people live longer then that will come to be a normality when people no longer are compatible sexually— at the moment it seems awkward to say to anyone including your Partner we are splitting up because I really don’t want sex — not just with you but with anyone at the moment/forever.

Two extreme views here, from militant wife “she doesn’t have to make any effort if it doesn’t suit her” to militant husband “if the sex isn’t good I’m off”

To be fair the 2 option if often given to by women to women on this forum if the man is deemed to be not good enough in the bedroom

@Crikeyalmighty but no one is obliged to remain unhappy if there is no hope of getting what they need in a relationship.

Open relationships are a solution if they can work. I think most would rather split up though.

Honestly this is why the menopause needs to be talked about with men. That when they marry "til death do is part" that very many women go completely off sex as they go through it some temporarily down forever. That it's a consequences of hormonal changes that they have no control over.

Hopefully most committed couples find a way through it. Decent men hopefully don't want sex with an unwilling/disinterested partner but intimacy can be maintained.

Various friends have come to various solutions/compromises only the unmarried couple have split up so far but tbh there were far more issues than that.

"Sex is too much effort"

If everytime you had sex if felt like your dick had been grated with sandpaper and it was extremely painful would you be keen on doing it.

Your wife is probably in fear of being in pain, I hope you stay with her on the journey of helping her rather than throwing the towel in like @BasicDad (by the way I believe your user name).

Tons of lube, buckets of love and understanding, leave PIV sex out until the pain improves, very relaxing atmosphere. muscle spasms can be hugely painful in that area as well.
Try to introduce the vibrator into your sex life.

Because she doesn't want sex at the moment doesn't mean she doesn't love you, far from it, there can be painful physical and emotional changes that are hellish for a woman, add into the mix of a self entitled, lacking in understanding male such as baic dad and voila, you will have the ending of a previously long union.

I'm not sure if you can really do anything here. Everybody's talking about lube, but if she genuienly doesn't want to try, there's no point. It could be that she has resigned herself to giving up sex, and prefers to do that rather than plough on and trying to fix these issues.

Instead of lube, if she actually shows interest in changing the situation, I would try to find out if she's getting any testosterone with that HRT. Testosterone is important for mood, motivation and libido too, although it varies from woman to woman.

@BasicDad. As I said in my post — I do understand why some may decide to leave— thing about open marriages though is for many women, they wouldn’t be ok with this either— the sex drive may have vanished— the care and affection may still be there and whether or not they want sex they would find it intolerable if their partner was nipping out on the pick up— that’s why people in this position have to decide what matters more to them if they can’t have it all

@waterSpider

If genders were reversed people would be saying that your partner was obviously off using porn ... However, I think the idea of some kind of break from any pressure of climaxing makes sense. Alternatively, any use of vibrators that may help 'bring things to a conclusion!' as that is their job after all?

As for too much effort, I'm never quite sure why half an hour (say) out of 168 hours a week is so much to have to squeeze in.

If genders were reversed people would be saying that your partner was obviously off using porn

Yes? And?

This comment makes you sound like you're feeling a tad deflated because of this - ^well if a man did X everyone would be suggesting he's using porn and would be frowning on him - no fair!!* 😭

🙄

Sometimes, it's useful to flip situations around to give us a different perspective on things. It's useful to see if people's responses are different, and why, and if that's fair. However, comparing men to women and expecting some kind of equivalence in something like this is like trying to compare apples to oranges.

Yes, if the sexes were reversed, people would probably be saying that (sex is not the same thing as gender btw).

Why would they be saying this? Because overuse of porn is a fairly common problem amongst men it seems. It can cause loss of relationship libido, lack of sensation due to deathgrip (a numbing effect that can be caused by vibrators as well) and erectile problems due to average sex not being able to compete with the hundreds, if not thousands of the many varied videos online. This overuse issue is not one that's seen half as often in women.

But we're not talking about a man here, are we? This post was about a woman who's had a hysterectomy and who's on HRT, not a man.

@RandomMess

I am around that age and many of my similarly aged friends have told me that the hormonal changes is like having a tap turned off they have gone from loving sex to literally "cannot be bothered" and could happily never have sex again.

I think you and your wife need to discuss whether she actually does want to have sex or it's off the cards.

It's a massive change for women and they literally can't help it their drive has vanished.

Same

@Onthedunes my reference for context was the PP that told OP that she doesn't want sex with him and he should get over it (paraphrase).

I think OP and his wife are trying, and I don't agree that 'she doesn't want sex any more'.

However. IF the final conclusion is as PP stated, then I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing not to live like that.

I am proper dead basic me tho

It's interesting reading all of the comments on here. It's akin to "light fuse-paper and stand well back". Lol! People play off of each other and get all wound up. Also, there's lots of assumptions made.

Thank you to all of you who have read my post in the way that it was intended and have responded accordingly, in a loving, caring and enquiring nature to see what, if anything can be done to 'help' my wife and the sex side our relationship.

I am certainly not pressurising my wife into "having it"
Who said that I was male anyway?
Thank you for the suggestions of lube but, when I mentioned "becoming sore" though, it was rather externally from rubbing, rather than internal. We have used 'tingle-lube' on occasion.
The suggestions of 'looking elsewhere' or choosing to leave are certainly not a consideration.

Thanks though to everyone for your input. That's what these forums are for, for discussion.

I appreciate it isn't the same for everyone, but for me menopause brought about many symptoms. HRT sorted many but the ones it never sorted were a) extreme tiredness at the end of the day and b) soreness internally so after a fairly short time I was in pain.

Neither is conducive to enjoyable sex so, despite fancying my DH as much as ever, sex became something of a trial. Of course it doesn't have to be full intercourse, but you both feel something's missing if you never do that.

I explained at the time: imagine you really fancy someone but as soon as you start intercourse your penis gets sore (and sometimes bleeds as a result). Not so sexy is it?!

I'm sorry I don't have the answer. That's because there isn't a straightforward one.

With menopause, libido can take a dive. Is there stuff you can do that feels less invasive for her?

Is she on anti depressants OP? They can inhibit orgasm

@BasicDad

She doesn’t want sex anymore and you need to stop pressuring her about it.

And if that's not the kind of life you want, you are well within your right to take a different path and leave to find love and intimacy elsewhere.

So of course when husbands are not emotionally satisfying their wives the wives are well within their rights to have affairs with other men right

@waterSpider

If genders were reversed people would be saying that your partner was obviously off using porn ... However, I think the idea of some kind of break from any pressure of climaxing makes sense. Alternatively, any use of vibrators that may help 'bring things to a conclusion!' as that is their job after all?

As for too much effort, I'm never quite sure why half an hour (say) out of 168 hours a week is so much to have to squeeze in.

No they wouldn't, not if the man was in his 50s and went through some male equivalent of a hysterectomy and HRT.

it would be interesting to know the ages of some of these posters.
i'm 60+ and believe the wife, go for closeness and companionship and ditch the idea of piv sex. don't bother rubbing her to death.

Hi @HigglePiggle976 I’m sorry that your wife is experiencing this. It’s good that she’s on HRT but she might benefit from some topical oestrogen that is inserted into the vagina, (Vagifem). You said she feels sore which some ladies really suffer with and it could be vaginal atrophy. Dr Louise Newson has lots of good info on this on Instagram/her Balance website.
If either of you are on Instagram, look up @hellojennykeane. She does lots around orgasms & pleasure and also runs private workshops online (everyone keeps their knickers on!). She also has a website under her name.
I hope things improve.