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Original poster

What if your dh said this in front of a friend

26 replies

tatkin · 18/09/2021 15:00

I had booked gig tickets (more my thing but he seemed really keen to have an evening out after all this lockdown and us being at home all the time.

We'd arranged babysitting tentatively etc.

My friend has moved from overseas and popped over last night and my dh said in front of her: "You should go to x gig with her".

When I asked later about whether he had really wanted to go (which is fine) he said he did really want to go but that it would be nice for me to be able to go out with my friend. Well, yes, It would be but I'd booked them to go with him.

There is an enormous history of him not being clear and upfront (like not telling me he had looked at flats with MIL in the road next to us because in his words "I'd go apeshit") and this feels off. Just say "it's not my thing - why not go with xxx?" But he dresses it up like he's doing me this favour?

Later that evening he asked me when I was getting in shower quickly late at night (DD bedtime) if I wanted to watch anything, I said I'd be quick and he then said it was late for dd and she should go to bed. I then go down and they are both watching a film. When I said I was confused because we'd just said 15 mins ago I was coming down to watch the programme we are watching and now you're watching a film with dd and it's late?? He shouted "for christs sake just had enough of THIS!! and stormed off to bed. He was really nasty and I think it upset dd. Had a chat with her about how he was tired (in this case he is, having come off nights) and therefore not communicating clearly etc and that I was confused and so when prodded for "what's wrong?" by I expressed my confusion.

I'd like to handle situations like this better and not slip into the godawful triangle dynamic I had as an only child (I have more than one child) but he won't engage. I'm always the baddie.

Next day he's like nothing has happened. He never seems to have been affected by anything.

OP posts:
GiveMeAUserName123 · 18/09/2021 15:06

Well you know to take anything that comes out off his mouth as shit.

No follow through, so why even listen to him say it. Just say “yh” then so your own thing.

Griefmonster · 18/09/2021 15:12

Neither of you are asking or answering directly, expressing your needs or wants.

Him - why don't you go to gig with your friend.

You (reality) - Do you not want to go?

That's not answering his question. It's second guessing why he is asking the question.

You (direct answer) - thanks for offer but I bought the tickets for you and me and I would like us to have a night out.

It's them up to him to either go with you or tell you that he doesn't want to go.

Him - do you want to watch something?

You (reality) - I won't be long in shower.
If this is what you said, you are expecting him to guess what that means. I have no idea!

You (direct) - Yes I'd like me and you to watch something and for DD to go to bed. I'll be 5 mins in shower and then I'll be down. Will you get DD off to bed?

Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 15:16

In first instance you are correct, in the second id been very direct pretty much what you typed

OP posts:
Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 15:17

He did the gig thing in front of my friend - there wasnt much wiggle room

OP posts:
notHarris · 18/09/2021 15:17

You sound like you've both got into the habit of communicating poorly and second guessing one another. Would some sort of relationship counselling help do you think?

LemonTT · 18/09/2021 15:20

I agree with grief monster to be honest. If he doesn’t properly engage then you aren’t either. You are both using short hand and and vagueness in how you respond to things. There also seems to be a lot of pent up anger in your home. If he thinks you would go apeshit and he actually did on the whole tv thing confrontation.

Incidentally why did you question his actions in front of DD? Was that the right time and audience for the discussion?

Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 15:27

I was direct with him as i said above. But yes i should not have asked why we werent watching
Our programme not in front of dd. However, if id gone to bed (after telling dd to go to bed) he’d have let her stay up and he’d have fallen asleep- because that’s what has happened before

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 18/09/2021 15:29

I think there are two main issues here: communication and trust
(And you’re not the baddie)

So, DH needs to communicate better. Him saying you go to gig with friend, in front of the friend without talking to you first is very poor communication. He needs to hold his thought and mention it later with just you because you in this case would rather go with him than the friend and he’s put you on the spot. That’s unfair on you.

On other hand, you don’t seem to trust him. You have said he said he did really want to go to the gig with you, but you don’t believe him. Nor do you believe that he actually wanted to do something nice for you. You have to stop second guessing him. If there’s no trust, there’s no relationship.

On the MIL and flats. Would you have reacted badly? Perhaps he thought better not to get you worried when it may all come to nothing? At any rate, this shows he has little trust in you because he kept it from you. Again, no trust means there’s no relationship.

On the shower/movie it honestly sounds like crossed wires to me. “I’ll be quick” isn’t an answer to “do you want to watch something” similarly him saying “it’s late and did should go to bed” doesn’t match him then starting a film with her, although you didn’t answer that when he said it, so maybe he thought you disagreed that it was late and thought dad could stay up? So I think anyone would be confused...it’s confusing just reading it. It’s back to poor communication between you two.

He obviously over reacted to your confusion, but I feel poor communication and lack of trust is a continuous drip drip wearing you both down. Work on those two things, and hopefully family life will be smoother and enjoyable again.

Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 15:29

I dont ever go apeshit and i have no issue expressing what i would like. He sometimes does this eyeroll at dd when i am talking for too long

OP posts:
Chimneysweepppp · 18/09/2021 15:33

You both sound annoying and like you just don't know how to communicate. He combusts easily and you sound like you just prod and prod and prod.. That would drive anyone bananas. Maybe sit down together and just talk things out frankly.. You both need to change the way you communicate.

Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 15:33

He asked me to marry him in front of his parents- he has form!!

Re the shower i said i would be down to watch the programme (baptiste - we are midway through the series) and thT dd should go to bed. No cofysion my end.

Re the gig. Afterwards i did say i had wanted to go with him so a bit sad he wwnted to back out

OP posts:
Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 15:36

I didnt make all of what i’d said to him clear in my op. But i was clear in my intentions (i get told i am over clear by him) because i wanted dd to go to bed and wanted to watch the prog

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 18/09/2021 15:46

He asked me to marry him in front of his parents- he has form!!

That would make me furious. He can’t keep putting you on the spot like that. It’s disrespectful to you to not discuss it with you first.

Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 15:50

I never thought it was weird at the time. When years later i joked about it he said i had badgered him to get married (not a memory i have at all)

OP posts:
Chimneysweepppp · 18/09/2021 15:57

Unless there's a huge back story..

CarrotSticks23 · 18/09/2021 16:07

Honestly to the use the old MN adage it sounds like you don't like him very much

I think you have both behaved poorly. You knew the gig wasn't his sort of thing and maybe he just thought your friend has just moved back and you might want to go with her? His timing is poor, but I think equally you need to not second guess him.

The bed thing I think you were in the wrong. You behaved quite passive aggressively when you came out the shower.

Yes he hasn't been a great communicate over the years but I do think you need to let it go or let him go. You can't live a life where you have years of built up resentment and anger simmering away,

Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 16:09

I think he is scared of conflict (though not of dishing a bit of it) and is fearful of taking responsibility - his mother was quite a tyrant - praised his achievements but not his innate personality. She had Frequent rages etc until he sought refuge in boarding school. Father absent alot for work.

I do have compassion because that’s hard to absorb and still have a meaningful relationship with her while she is ill and more needy.

He is otherwise calm and kind - he is a looker after type, you know?

I just feel he has become so harsh towards me (he would never in a million years ever admit that or talk about it) since i have got older (and dont drink and am basically really square! I am not the clumsy slapdash person who needed looking after any more. I guess the dynamic has shifted

I am curious what he is thinking about me. But he’s never going to say. He’ll just point the finger at me. I feel a bit sad and hopeless about that.

He is incredibly defensive if he perceives attack (work, me, other road users etc) much more so than the usual. I joke that he responds to an itch with a howitzer

OP posts:
Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 16:15

He was really keen to go to the gig- more for the experience and novelty. He likes the artist. Though im the superfan. He urged me to book them and stood watching me pay.

Re the bed, i dont know what is passive agressive about saying youll be down to watch the tv show shortly, then asking why its not happening when i come down

I do agree i could have done something different though. But when i told dd to go to bed he tried to undermine me. They both rolled their eyes at me.

I do love him, i want to learn how to handle this situation. Clearly i am annoying him

OP posts:
Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 16:18

Thanks for the food for thought. Clearly i am provoking sonme impulse and its not working

OP posts:
Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 16:19

But at the same time someone storming off, blame shifting and eyerolling at dd is going to erode trust (before you ask i have tried to raise this)

OP posts:
Sakurami · 18/09/2021 16:29

Maybe sit down with him and discuss it. Tell him that you won't react like his mother if he wants to do something that you don't so much. That he has as much right as you to do stuff he wants. You can discuss stuff and sometimes you will compromise and sometimes he will compromise. He doesn't have to suppress his wishes (which sounds like he's doing - has continued doing what worked for him as a kid).

Original poster
tatkin · 18/09/2021 16:38

Everytime i have tried to discuss anything with him ( using „i” statements ) he percieves the notion that he might need to adjust, listen or feel less than perfect as inconceivable so will turn on me. I then get overwhelmed and cry - he will either stomp off or comfort me like a child (there there) but not discuss. Any reprompting and i sm a harridan, termagent, shrew. Whatever

OP posts:
Buggritbuggrit · 19/09/2021 22:57

He certainly doesn’t sound calm and kind. How can you be in a relationship with someone who you can’t have a straightforward conversation with? Who acts like you’re being a shrew/harridan/termagant when you try?

TheFoundations · 19/09/2021 23:08

I think you need to have a look at why you love someone so much when you can't even have a basic conversation with them, when they refuse to discuss your concerns in order that a compromise can be reached, and yells at you/calls you names.

You're posting on a forum to try to find a way to fix the relationship, and are willing to surpress your natural personality to do it. What's he doing to fix the relationship? I'll guess: nothing, because you're the problem. Am I miles off the mark?

NewlyGranny · 19/09/2021 23:16

He seems afraid to be himself or show his true feelings with you. Have you considered couples counselling to improve communication?