What if your dh said this in front of a friend

[tatkin]

I had booked gig tickets (more my thing but he seemed really keen to have an evening out after all this lockdown and us being at home all the time.

We'd arranged babysitting tentatively etc.

My friend has moved from overseas and popped over last night and my dh said in front of her: "You should go to x gig with her".

When I asked later about whether he had really wanted to go (which is fine) he said he did really want to go but that it would be nice for me to be able to go out with my friend. Well, yes, It would be but I'd booked them to go with him.

There is an enormous history of him not being clear and upfront (like not telling me he had looked at flats with MIL in the road next to us because in his words "I'd go apeshit") and this feels off. Just say "it's not my thing - why not go with xxx?" But he dresses it up like he's doing me this favour?

Later that evening he asked me when I was getting in shower quickly late at night (DD bedtime) if I wanted to watch anything, I said I'd be quick and he then said it was late for dd and she should go to bed. I then go down and they are both watching a film. When I said I was confused because we'd just said 15 mins ago I was coming down to watch the programme we are watching and now you're watching a film with dd and it's late?? He shouted "for christs sake just had enough of THIS!! and stormed off to bed. He was really nasty and I think it upset dd. Had a chat with her about how he was tired (in this case he is, having come off nights) and therefore not communicating clearly etc and that I was confused and so when prodded for "what's wrong?" by I expressed my confusion.

I'd like to handle situations like this better and not slip into the godawful triangle dynamic I had as an only child (I have more than one child) but he won't engage. I'm always the baddie.

Next day he's like nothing has happened. He never seems to have been affected by anything.

Ah yes being framed as some sort of regularly erupting volcano, melting faces left and right with your totally unreasonable rages, and using it as an excuse to move goalposts and keep things from you. When in reality you are quite measured and self reflective and would be absolutely fine with most things if only he would communicate them to you and not leave you to find things out later, and then make you out to be the reason for keeping it from you in the first place. sigh

OP it's hard to deal with someone like this and as a result you scrutinise everything you say and do to try and make sure you don't come across in any way confrontational or aggressive but it's never quite enough and you are still getting it wrong.

Putting you in situations where you feel cornered like the proposal and the gig are always reframed and rewritten by people like this.

He's passive aggressive.and then he explodes into proper visible anger in front of your DD and you have unfortunately (really not having a dig here) minimised his very unreasonable and abusive reaction to her which is extra sad. It's become so ingrained in you to excuse him and minimise it to yourself that you are now inadvertently teaching your DD to accept the same. I'm really sorry and I mean that kindly @tatkin

It doesn't matter if daddy is tired that is not how we treat people, being tired is no excuse. In a healthy relationship I would expect DH to repeat this to DD when he had calmed down after apologising to you both for the outburst - because they do occasionally happen even in healthy relationships, but this is not that.

I imagine there is a lot more going on here than you have posted about but there is already so much wrong here from what you have.

You are right to be feeling off about this, it's actually pretty bad