Where did you find your fwb?

[FindingTheImpossible]

I have changed my user name for this.

Where does a woman find a fwb?

I have decided at 48, that I don't want a regular
relationship but I also don't want a sex only relationship.
What I'm looking for is a (male) friend who I have sex with. A man who doesn't only message when he is horny, who understands the friendship side is just as important as any benefits.

I have no one in my life who I could consider as a potential fwb, for various reasons.

Have tried fab swingers but no luck.

So any woman who has found a decent fwb (but not through fab swingers or someone you already knew) tell me how you did it.

Obviously there will be those who don't agree with fwb etc. you don't need to post as that is not what this thread is about.

@zonky

Op, I hope you're aware that most men will allow you to build an illusion of aconnection? Give you what you need (the friends bit/friendship rid bit to have access to sex? I was sat down by my ex partner now a good friend who explained to me the mechanics of a 'FWB' illusion. They will say anything, any story you want to hear so that you allow access to sex. Apparently there is very rarely a cross over, of course there are exceptions, for a woman to be a friend and a fuck buddy. Women often think they can f*k a man into 'liking' her, even for a FWB arrangement. Once you mark yourself out on this way, a cow giving free milk, you will be treated as nothing more than a cum sock.

I spent some time on Fab also had a on/off 'real' relationship with someone off there for 2 years, so speak from experience. FWB/relationship experience was an interesting but a volatile one, not sure if I'd repeat it...it was just as taxing as a full on relationship in a different way. Not sure what advice to give, sorry for being negative...

Surely it doesn't matter if he just wants sex if that's all she wants too.

If you have am existing friend that's probably easier but if you want together someone online all you need is to get kn with them well enough to stand being in their company amd to fancy them enough to want to have sex with them.

It's that simple.

Situations where women think they can fuck a man into liking them and wanting more aren't really fwbs.

FWB/relationship experience was an interesting but a volatile one, not sure if I'd repeat it...it was just as taxing as a full on relationship in a different way. Not sure what advice to give, sorry for being negative...

In what way? Just curious encase I've had a few and found them to be the opposite - far easier and with fewer expectations!

The op said in her opening thread that she doesn't just want sex, she wants a male friend who she is having sex with.

@GreyCarpet

FWB/relationship experience was an interesting but a volatile one, not sure if I'd repeat it...it was just as taxing as a full on relationship in a different way. Not sure what advice to give, sorry for being negative...

In what way? Just curious encase I've had a few and found them to be the opposite - far easier and with fewer expectations!

"but if you want together someone online all you need is to get kn with them well enough to stand being in their company amd to fancy them enough to want to have sex with them."

I have ended up meeting someone who I actually fancied as in personality and the physical appearance. I realised I could aim high, rather than low bar/status men available on these sites (who are for want of a better word ten a penny). Initially I did 'aim' for just knowing them well enough, wanting to have sex with them etc however we'd meet up almost every weekend for 18 months, we talked on the phone and texted daily, it was exclusive and I think for me it became very difficult not to get attached emotionally, as of did for him. It mirrored a normal relationship (which we ended up doing, sort of) but it ended due to me wanting to start a family.

@GreyCarpet

You're right though in theory FWB/FB should be easier than a conventional relationship... I think I might have been covertly looking for a boyfriend ... I think if there's a next time, I'd prefer to have a conventional relationship which is a clearly defined from the start or at least not close my options by saying 'FWB/FB'

One was a friend of a friend, messaged me one night asking for a shoulder massage (bit out of character I thought at the time), then pounced on me when I went round. Said she just wanted some casual fun, but a month or so gradually started turn it into something more, by raising the prospect of marriage and children. I didn't have the same aspirations so we stopped.

Another was the best friend of my ex, and ironically it was actually my ex who inadvertently brought us together. They're no longer friends, but we're still together, and in a proper relationship. Might sound a bit shit, but the thing we had in common was that we were both victims of my ex's toxic manipulation and controlling behaviour.

I now think, that if you want casual, then a fuck buddy is a better way to go about it than FwB.

For me a fuck buddy is someone you meet for sex. That's it
No other contact between you. That's not something I'd want. It's too clinical.

A fwb is someone you'd keep in contact with as you would a friend (not a close/best friend) Have a similar outlook on life. But there are no expectations on either side, like you'd get in a more traditional relationship.
And that is something that will suit me.

I know I won't end up falling in love in or wanting more.
I just want the best bits of a relationship without all the drama

@FindingTheImpossible

For me a fuck buddy is someone you meet for sex. That's it No other contact between you. That's not something I'd want. It's too clinical.

A fwb is someone you'd keep in contact with as you would a friend (not a close/best friend) Have a similar outlook on life. But there are no expectations on either side, like you'd get in a more traditional relationship.
And that is something that will suit me.

I know I won't end up falling in love in or wanting more.
I just want the best bits of a relationship without all the drama

It is easier said than done, almost naïve ? Sorry Op I don't mean to be harsh. (when you've never tried this arrangement before). Repeated meets, good sex, good chat, oxytocin etc can interfere with one's preconceived plan.

@zonky, naive in what sense?

Not everyone wants a traditional relationship, to live with someone, marriage etc.

From what I've read on mumsnet every relationship has a chance of failing. Childhood sweethearts, people meeting later in life, fwb etc. . Looking for any kind of relationship is easier said than done, what are people meant to do, give up looking for any kind of relationship in case they never find what they ar looking for?

@FindingTheImpossible I don't think your naive.

I had a FWB for 15 months, we had great sex, we messaged every day, we chatted about life and sometimes went out for meals, met up twice a week and I never developed feelings for him.

If you go into it knowing its just FWB it will hopefully stay that way, I understand sometimes one person falls for the other but that doesnt happen in all cases.

My FWB ended because he thought he could dictate about me going to a swingers club (without him) and I wasn't having it.

I think the only contacting when horny is what a friends with benefits is, but on those evenings when you’re both looking to have sex, you might make an evening of it?

I had a FWB that I originally met on okcupid, we went on a few initial dates, had sex and enjoyed each other company but knew it wasn’t long term relationship material, we had a FWB thing for about 18 months before he met his now wife and I moved onto another relationship.

We were in constant contact and we did only see each other on days we were having sex, but we still planned things to do on that day or evening, knowing that ultimately we’d be ending up in bed. We might book to go to the beer festival or out for a few drinks near his, or he might cook for me and we’d spend the night on his sofa having a bottle of wine and flirting/teasing and watching something on Netflix.

We just didn’t really expect contact or emotional support outside of those occasions. It’s not to say we never spoke outside of planned sex, we’d share funny memes or chat a bit, but that would usually be a preamble to sexting or sharing pics too.

That’s what a FWB is. If you want other contact and to feel “wanted” other than for sex and evening company then I think you’re actually looking for a relationship.

We both also had (safe) sex with other people during the FWB arrangements as well. There as no expectation of exclusivity on either side, and we sometimes shared details of our other exploits with each other.

It was a very liberating time of my life, and I will always have fond memories of being free to explore whatever came my way.

@CosmicUnicorn It needs to be someone who you can’t see a future with, but who you’re very attracted to physically. It’s no good looking for a FWB like you would a life partner or husband because you’d fall in love and wonder about the relationships potential and that isn’t the spirit of it.

@ZealAndArdour you see, that’s my problem - I couldn’t go with anyone who I didn’t see a future with. I’m a hopeless romantic like that.

Don’t any of you feel unsafe? I mean, what if these guys turned out to be murderers or something - or, what if you caught something (I presume you insist on protection)??

Tinder. Again, was v clear what I was after. Something long the lines of 'fwb wanted, emphasis on the friends element' found two crackers inused shamelessly then accidentally fell for no.3 who I'm still with!
Still friends with the fwb though. Nice chaps both.

Re my Homebase comment...........

Single people do DIY, need to eat, garden, do yoga or go gym.

So.
DIY centres,
Supermarkets
Garden Centre
Yoga class
Gym.
Do the math.............................

@CosmicUnicorn The highest murder rate is men who kill their partners or ex- partners, the murder rate of strangers is so low but you take precautions.
You message and check for red flags, you meet up in a public place, sometimes more than once, you tell someone where you are, if you go their house you tell someone where you are and check in regularly.
If anything ever feels off you stop.

Of course you use protection and also get regular tests as condoms dont prevent everything.

@FindingTheImpossible just to say, my Tinder discussion fell through (because of a mismatch in boundaries- so important to listen to the red flags). I have ventured on to Fab to see what it's about. It's quite a dated looking site, but easy enough to sign up with minimal info and no photo if you want to lurk.

As others have said, you'll be sent a lot of messages regardless of how little you put on your profile, it's quite eye opening!

But what I've found is I've set out my stall, and this will continue to be refined (no married men for example!). You can look at their profiles, take your time, make your mind up.

I'm talking to one guy now who's not been OTT, he has great reviews (lol!!) that sounds on the lines of what I'm looking for. I'm being very true to myself and what I want and I don't care if that reduces the pool. Similar to OLD, you're attitude has to be that you're the prize. Ignore the pushy ones who follow up after 10 minutes saying 'I guess you're not interested then'. I owe you nothing!

If nothing else, it's quite liberating and you can take all these steps and look at them as personal growth.

[quote Getbehindme]@FindingTheImpossible just to say, my Tinder discussion fell through (because of a mismatch in boundaries- so important to listen to the red flags). I have ventured on to Fab to see what it's about. It's quite a dated looking site, but easy enough to sign up with minimal info and no photo if you want to lurk.

As others have said, you'll be sent a lot of messages regardless of how little you put on your profile, it's quite eye opening!

But what I've found is I've set out my stall, and this will continue to be refined (no married men for example!). You can look at their profiles, take your time, make your mind up.

I'm talking to one guy now who's not been OTT, he has great reviews (lol!!) that sounds on the lines of what I'm looking for. I'm being very true to myself and what I want and I don't care if that reduces the pool. Similar to OLD, you're attitude has to be that you're the prize. Ignore the pushy ones who follow up after 10 minutes saying 'I guess you're not interested then'. I owe you nothing!

If nothing else, it's quite liberating and you can take all these steps and look at them as personal growth.[/quote]
@Getbehindme
It's an outdated site yes, but works very well and I'd say probably the best one around that I've come across. I'm always curious to know how other women find the site... I was on it a few years ago, and found it to be much better in terms of finding casual flings/experimenting etc.

Have you been inundated with lots of messages? I remembered at first I thought naively it was about me and my profile/photos, but as you've probably realised it's rather the skewed ratio of many men to few women that's resulting in this deluge of messages. I've also found, like with everywhere else, the men will give you whatever you 'need' (ie. lots of chatting/ personal stories/ background stories so to speak, in order for you to meet them /hopefully sleep with them). A way to create an illusion of connection...

Have you seen a few people you like the look of/like the sound of?

Hi Zonky

I'm liking that I can just say: I'm curvy, I'm looking for this, I'm looking for that. And it's discreet. With OLD it's all smoke and mirrors and I spend time worrying that a local dad will see me on there and start winking at me at the school gates

Only one so far has stood out, the reason being that it's just been a bit of chit chat so far not a dick pic, yet, or anything too bonkers or personal. And he's further away.

I don't want life stories!

I hear what you're saying though.