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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

How do you leave your husband when you've no money

27 replies

justwantkindnessinmylife · 17/09/2021 21:32

Just that really. I'm 40. I'm in Scotland. I have no support. I have no family. I just found out my mum who is my only support is going to pass away soon and I'm heart broken. My DH is selfish and lacks compassion. Tonight he's been swearing at me and I'm not sure I can continue to be with someone like that. Has anyone ever done this? I have two very small children and a mortgage and sadly quite a lot of stuff on finance. Im not the breadwinner, I'm on a low wage. I'm stuck aren't I?

OP posts:
bluedomino · 17/09/2021 21:38

The Citizens Advice Bureau have been a massive help to me. Ring them for some advice. I hope you are OK.

Original poster
justwantkindnessinmylife · 17/09/2021 21:45

@bluedomino

The Citizens Advice Bureau have been a massive help to me. Ring them for some advice. I hope you are OK.
@bluedomino Thank you. I think I will. I want to know my options. Everything in my life is crap right now. Work is bad, I have a crazy colleague I know it isn't me because everyone else thinks the same about her but right now I'm the victim. My mum obviously and it's a sudden diagnosis and she's deteriorated very very fast. I don't really have friends, they all moved away. I don't know what I've done to deserve all this. I'm a pretty kind and gentle, loving and fiercely loyal person. Rest of my family are abroad.
OP posts:
Sakurami · 17/09/2021 21:53

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I would go and see what you're entitled to and take it from there

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/09/2021 21:57

I borrowed from my dgm for private rental.. Not being callous but has your dm anything to loan /leave you op? Knowing she has helped you leave an unhappy marriage may be a comfort to her..

RandomMess · 17/09/2021 21:58

Does your Mum have a home? Temporarily move there to be close to your Mum and then initiate the split.

You can live in the same house and claim UC as a single parents and child maintenance.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/09/2021 22:00

I filed for divorce and didn't tell dh for a fortnight... I applied for benefits from the date I filed... All(benefits) went through before I threw him out...

Original poster
justwantkindnessinmylife · 17/09/2021 22:04

@RandomMess

Does your Mum have a home? Temporarily move there to be close to your Mum and then initiate the split.

You can live in the same house and claim UC as a single parents and child maintenance.

@RandomMess No she rents and basically had no assets
OP posts:
Original poster
justwantkindnessinmylife · 17/09/2021 22:05

Also my mum is a long drive away.

OP posts:
Happynow · 17/09/2021 22:08

You are never "stuck" my darling. There is always a way. Stick to your principles about how you want to live your life/the way you want to bring your children up. Do not stay in a relationship which is damaging to you and your children. There may be ways of healing it later. You will not starve, you will not go wanting. Make the jump ... do not expect someone else to change to meet your ideals/what YOU want from life xx

category12 · 17/09/2021 22:11

Maybe go to your mum's with the kids and spend what's left of her time together. Get a job there. Top up from universal credit and child support from him?

coodawoodashooda · 17/09/2021 22:19

You will be so, so much better off without him. Women's Aid are brilliant. They also have some decent accommodation that they might help you with whilst you got on your feet. Please dont accept his behaviour. Life should feel free.

Anxiety46 · 17/09/2021 23:22

You can most definitely get out of this.
Have you access to any money ? Joint account? Child benefit ? .
Is your house your own with any equity in it.
Can you apply for social housing? Benefits.
Your husband will have to help you financially with the children. If you can get a copy of his payslips/bank statements.
There is always always another way.

MNHQ
MillieMumsnet · 18/09/2021 09:30

Hello everyone
We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask users to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong. We strongly advise against parting with any cash or giving away your personal details, and if you receive a PM which makes you uneasy - report it to us and we’ll take a look.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon. In the meantime, you might find some useful information on our guide for dealing with financial difficulty

Original poster
justwantkindnessinmylife · 18/09/2021 11:54

I don't know why people think this thread isn't genuine? I'm looking for advice and I thought this was a supportive site. This is my life, my real and actual life. Does that mean it's far fetched for people? I'm half Chinese most my family have moved back to China or married someone in another country. My mum is so young and just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. My husband has a terrible temper and cannot provide emotional support. This is true and this is my life. I don't understand why people think it's not real? I wish it wasn't but it is. I am 40 and I am thinking that i cannot live the next 10 years being shouted and sworn at over small issues. Why does this not sound real to people? It puts me off posting in future.

OP posts:
Beelzebop · 18/09/2021 12:09

I don't see why this thread isn't true. I am watching myself, being in a similar situation.

PhoenixIsFlying · 18/09/2021 12:14

Ok listen it can be done. My partner suddenly left and I had no idea how I would cope managing the mortgage and my child. Very stressful and still is but I work part time and claim UC. It does mean living on very little but it can just about be done. I have had to borrow money from time to time from family. I think you need to check on line. There is a website that you can check how much in benefits you will receive. At least then you can get an idea. Good luck x

CreepingDeath · 18/09/2021 12:17

@justwantkindnessinmylife

I don't know why people think this thread isn't genuine? I'm looking for advice and I thought this was a supportive site. This is my life, my real and actual life. Does that mean it's far fetched for people? I'm half Chinese most my family have moved back to China or married someone in another country. My mum is so young and just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. My husband has a terrible temper and cannot provide emotional support. This is true and this is my life. I don't understand why people think it's not real? I wish it wasn't but it is. I am 40 and I am thinking that i cannot live the next 10 years being shouted and sworn at over small issues. Why does this not sound real to people? It puts me off posting in future.
I'm sorry you feel you haven't been supported on this thread. Unfortunately, when anybody posts that they have no money, some folk think they are begging and report it to HQ.

Obviously, yours is not this case, but I guess they didn't read past the thread title.

I second the advice to contact Citizens Advice and see what you would be entitled to upon splitting. You cannot live like this, or subject your children to this.
Are you named on the mortgage? Do you have much equity in the house?

FTEngineerM · 18/09/2021 12:18

I am 40 and I am thinking that i cannot live the next 10 years being shouted and sworn at over small issues.

You don’t need to either, nobody does.
Speak to women’s aid or what ever the equivalent is in Scotland. You’re never trapped even if that’s how he has made you feel.

needtogetfit21 · 18/09/2021 12:48

Follow the advice given OP,
Wishing you all the best x

Lozzerbmc · 18/09/2021 18:41

Im sorry you dont feel supported. I hope you can get some help. Is there any way you could live closer to your mum? Your children are very small. Are they at school yet?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 18/09/2021 18:47

It's probably a good idea to stay with your husband until your mum passes away if you feel safe enough to do so. It will mean you can start putting some money away, getting cashback with the food shopping, little things like that.

Call Citizens Advice for benefits advice and call Rights of Women for free legal advice on the mortgage, finances, and the children.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 18/09/2021 18:49

Here is the link for Rights of Women: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this by the way. I hope things work out for you.

ftw163532 · 18/09/2021 18:53

You don't deserve this.

Speak to Women's Aid as well as Citizens Advice. It is not normal to be treated like that.

Seesawmummadaw · 18/09/2021 19:00

Citizens advice bureau really helped me when I was in a similar situation.
You don’t have to live like this.
I’m sorry about your mum.

Beelzebop · 19/09/2021 11:24

How are you op?