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Original poster

Would you be annoyed? Is this a break up offence?

36 replies

KittyScratch · 17/09/2021 13:45

Basically the partner lost his job last year because of the government lockdown closures. He handled it reasonably well. It didn't look like he was down or depressed. He kept busy. He was doing odd jobs for neighbours like handy man stuff on the side along with the pandemic payment.

He got new work in a bar. His new schedule meant a completely different schedule to mine so much so that we don't even share one day off together in a week or even a month. All summer long it's been work, work, work for him. I was working too and I had my fair share of a though and intense schedule. I am in work when he has his days off during the week and I have weekends off and he's working. I tried to make the most of our situation and made do with the little pockets of time we do have but it is getting harder for me now. I tried to be supportive too with my partner and I am usually a positive person.

Things are now going up in the air for us.

We were invited to a function for next weekend. I mentioned it to him to see if he can get the day off. It would be nice to spend a day together. He got back to me yesterday and he said that he has the day off. I was delighted. Finally a day off together. Then when we were chatting on the phone this morning, he's gone back on it now. He made up an excuse about work saying there's other staff who wants the day off and there's a function in his place and it will be busy. He's not a manager by the way where he organises other peoples days and days off.

I'm absolutely gutted with him going back on it. I'm gutted because he can't give me one day.

In my mind I'm thinking about calling it a day with him. He can marry his job considering he loves it so much.

I suppose I'm looking for reassuring that I'm not being too hasty.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 17/09/2021 13:47

Not at all.
You're not happy and he seems pretty unbothered.
Has he met someone at the bar?

HollowTalk · 17/09/2021 13:48

There's no point, is there? He should be dying to spend time with you, not brushing you off with some excuse.

Thehop · 17/09/2021 13:50

God no I would walk. There’s no longevity in this situation

5128gap · 17/09/2021 13:52

Is he worried if he doesn't work he might lose this job? Losing a job as he did before can knock confidence, and he may be overly concerned to please in this one so it doesn't happen again?

MatildaIThink · 17/09/2021 13:53

Maybe he is worried about losing his job with days off, maybe he asked informally, rather than formally and forgot to do that bit, of course you might have just drifted apart.

You both need to talk to each other. I would not do anything hasty, you could be reading a lot into a complicated situation, but also be realistic in that this last 18 months has been a huge time of change for many people and maybe this relationship has come to it's natural conclusion.

seensome · 17/09/2021 13:55

Your lifestyles are too out of sync for it to work, I assume you can't see each other in the evening? there's not much point if you can't spend time together.

respecttheforum · 17/09/2021 13:56

You don't need to justify ending a relationship. It doesn't have to be toxic or desperately unhappy to do so.

Is the current job a long term plan? Is he struggling financially or worried about losing hours?
This seems more about him not prioritising time with you than the job itself but ultimately, if things don't change, your lifestyles really aren't compatible.

layladomino · 17/09/2021 14:11

If he'd asked for the day off and they'd said no, then you couldn't blame him. However it sounds as though he's been given the day off, then decided to work so someone else can be off. If that's the case, it's reasonable that you are annoyed, when you've not had a day together in weeks or months.

Only you will know if he has form for this stuff and is generally unbothered, or if actually he had the day off but now his boss has withdrawn it.

The overall picture is more important. Do you feel valued, important, someone he loves spending time with? If not, then I agree it's break up time.

Original poster
KittyScratch · 17/09/2021 14:41

He's working for some good people and there's a slight history too so he is on good terms with them. I don't think he's worried about losing that job. There's also loads of other hospitality work going and other work too like factory work. I know the situation within hospitality would be rocky coming out from the pandemic but I think he should be good. I really don't think he's worried about losing the job. I think he's being a push over and working too hard trying to make a hood impression.

I had a funeral in my family a few weeks ago and he did the same back then too. Just humming and hawing about work and getting time off work to go. He was going to the funeral one minute and then the next he wasn't because of work.

I'm sick of it now and I'm tempted to tell him to fuck off and get married into his job. The last time we spent a day together was back in May because our two jobs clashed. We had small pockets of time together but that was it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2021 14:44

It's worse to say he's doing it and not than say he can't from the beginning. That disappointment when he appears unbothered is really sad.

It's been so long now with no change, I'd consider splitting. I wouldn't be surprised if he's seeing someone from the job in a couple of weeks.

Original poster
KittyScratch · 17/09/2021 14:44

That's rights. The evenings are out because he generally starts work between noon and 3 and he works til finish. That's 5 days a week. Then when he does have days off I'm working. I can work til about 8 or sometimes 9 or 10 and it's just too late then.

OP posts:
Viddy2021 · 17/09/2021 14:51

You should be the priority, not people at work - when nothing serious is at stake, as you said. He's proving he's not reliable. Imagine what it'd be like with children or other additional responsibilities (the funeral is bad enough!)

Original poster
KittyScratch · 17/09/2021 14:53

Layla

That's what it looks like to me. He said he got the day off and not even 12 hours later he went back on what he said and said that there's a question mark over the day now because other staff are looking for the day off and there's a party booked in so they will be busy.

It does look like he's allowing other people to get the day off ahead of him.

He also told me a few weeks ago that from September it looks like maybe he will be able to get a weekend day off here and there depending on the younger staff goi g back to college and their hours etc. That's what he said to me and I think it was all bull to keep me sweet. I don't know what he was about.

We haven't shared one day off together since before the summer. It was May.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyScratch · 17/09/2021 15:02

The biggest thing for me is that we both spent the whole summer working long in our respective jobs and I asked for 1 day from him and he can't give it.

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 17/09/2021 15:10

You don’t mention a single thing you actually like about this man? Do you think if you met him for the first time now, would you get together with him?
I don’t think it’s petty to say that you just have incompatible lifestyles. You need to think about the future too - you sound like an intelligent person with a good career. Do you see yourself settling down with a guy who works in a bar or factory?

leakymcleakleak · 17/09/2021 15:13

How long have you been together? How old are you both?

GoodnightGrandma · 17/09/2021 15:13

Sounds like he’s just not that bothered about seeing you.
Has your sex life taken a nose-dive too ?

Rozziie · 17/09/2021 15:16

How old are you both? This does sound really flakey and like he's not that bothered.

Auroreforet · 17/09/2021 15:21

Have you not had any annual leave since May that you could take?
Or is he working 7 days a week?

Original poster
KittyScratch · 17/09/2021 15:21

We had 4 years together and it was very solid between us.

I'm just now looking at things between us in a black and bleak way. I asked for day and he can't give it to me and this will be it going forward and it will be Christmas before we know it and we probably still won't have one day together because of his job.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyScratch · 17/09/2021 16:25

I was denied annual leave

OP posts:
UpstreamSwimmer · 17/09/2021 16:28

Partner of how many years? That makes a huge difference.

Right now your schedules aren't highly conducive to a good relationship, but nothing is set in stone. Is it really worth breaking up with a life partner of 10+ years over this? I don't think so. Especially as things are likely to even out once he feels more secure (losing a job is a huge blow to one's confidence).

A partner of six months, on the other hand...

TheFoundations · 17/09/2021 16:38

I'm sick of it now and I'm tempted to tell him to fuck off

That's it. Full story, right there. Anything else is just self doubt and drama. You're sick of it, so tell him to fuck off.

Nobody can tell you whether something is a 'sackable offense'. It's your opinion, your taste, your boundaries. You know you've had enough. You can't be 'too hasty' because there are no rules or guidelines about how hasty/not hasty you're supposed to be.

You are looking here for validation: Validate yourself.

Original poster
KittyScratch · 17/09/2021 16:39

We are together 4 years.

The last time we spent a day together was back at the end of May. It's been 3 and half months and he can't give me one day even though he said he got it off.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 17/09/2021 16:40

How is he when he’s home ? Has he changed ?

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