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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To end it because of this?

35 replies

Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 10:18

Seeing someone since July. I like him. However I'm a single parent to a young child and work full time. Ex is abusive and hardly has our child. Parents good but getting older. I hardly have any time to myself let alone have a relationship. I also don't want my child involved in the relationship so leaving time for us is hard. Is it just to much hassle??

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 17/09/2021 10:21

@Kangaroosfeet how old is your child?

Original poster
Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 10:27

4 so young.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 17/09/2021 10:46

What made you start seeing someone? Surely these were all issues beforehand?

GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 10:50

Ypu can end a relationship for any reason you like Smile

Original poster
Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 10:55

We starting seeing each other as we like each other. My ex is very off and on with childcare so he must have been in a good phase when we started seeing each other !!

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 17/09/2021 11:01

People will tell you on here to stay single until your child leaves home, I don't agree however and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship as a single mother.
I would arrange a regular babysitter for seeing him until you are more confident about him, then as time goes on and because your child is so young would your bf consider coming to spend time at your house after your child has gone to bed?
This arrangement could continue until you're happy to introduce him to your child, speak your him and find out how much time he expects from you

Original poster
Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 11:15

I don't have anyone to regularly babysit unless I find someone off the internet and I'm not keen on that! He does have a child but hes older at 12 so its different. I'm exhausted most of the time aswell lol

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 17/09/2021 11:21

I don't understand how you can expect anybody other than you to be able to answer this.

Is it too much trouble for me to go to the shops this afternoon? I've got some housework to do, and an appointment at 2:20pm... Is it too much hassle?

peachgreen · 17/09/2021 11:23

I guess if you really liked him you probably wouldn't be thinking about ending it and it wouldn't seem like a hassle, so.

Original poster
Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 11:24

@TheFoundations

I don't understand how you can expect anybody other than you to be able to answer this.

Is it too much trouble for me to go to the shops this afternoon? I've got some housework to do, and an appointment at 2:20pm... Is it too much hassle?

Thanks for your help on this matter xx
OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 17/09/2021 11:28

@Kangaroosfeet

I don't have anyone to regularly babysit unless I find someone off the internet and I'm not keen on that! He does have a child but hes older at 12 so its different. I'm exhausted most of the time aswell lol
Is your child in nursery? If so ask if they can recommend babysitters. Maybe some of the staff do it as a sideline. Or ask other parents if they use a babysitter. Are you friendly with your neighbours? Would any of them have an older teen who does babysitting? Don't rule out ever getting a night out because you don't want to get a babysitter off the Internet.
TheFoundations · 17/09/2021 11:29

There's no need for sarcasm. My point is that it's entirely down to your preference. Nobody can tell you if you can be bothered to do something or not.

How do you expect them to? Or am I misunderstanding the question?

girlmom21 · 17/09/2021 11:30

If you're not in a position to date it's perfectly reasonable to end the relationship.

teahelpseverything · 17/09/2021 11:30

It definitely is hard work to manage a relationship when you're a single parent without reliable childcare. I have 2 DC and exH is useless and never has the DC so I have them 24/7/365 unless I pay a babysitter (no family close by).

It's ok in the early stages when you're just meeting someone for lunch or dinner etc but it is harder as the relationship develops because then you want to spend more time with them to get to know them better etc and be sure of the relationship before thinking of introducing your DC but you can't because you can't get the time away from DC to spend the time with your BF - it is a vicious circle.

However if you're feeling that it's too much of a hassle then that suggests that the relationship isn't right for you/you're not really that into the man - as otherwise you would want to find ways to make it work - eg you both taking a day off work when your DC is at nursery/school if evenings/nights are tricky etc.

crackofdoom · 17/09/2021 11:30

I had a conversation the other day which upended the whole “no dating until the kids leave home” being the gold standard, and best for said kids.

Three friends- a,b,and c- all single mums who have had kids with appalling, abusive wastes of space. Mine (a) and c’s kids have never met their dad’s, b’s saw him for a while but intermittently, and then drifted off. Me and b have both had subsequent relationships, now ended, but those exes continue to see our kids and play a positive role in their lives.

Friend c confided in me the other day that never knowing her dad is tearing her DD apart, and that it would probably have been easier for her if at least she’d had some kind of solid father figure in her life like mine and b’s kids have. It’s a thought 🤔

Original poster
Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 13:14

I like him but I just cannot commit at this moment.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 17/09/2021 13:17

When is child 5? They’ll free up more time.

Original poster
Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 13:19

It won't free up weekend time but shes 5 next Sept so will starting school

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 17/09/2021 13:20

@Kangaroosfeet

I like him but I just cannot commit at this moment.
Have you talked to him about it?
Original poster
Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 13:26

Not yet but I will tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kangaroosfeet · 17/09/2021 13:27

I don't see how it can work really. I get literally very little downtime and I do have a condition that causes fatigue so after work, gym etc I'm exhausted.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 17/09/2021 13:29

@Kangaroosfeet

I like him but I just cannot commit at this moment.
I think explaining your feelings to him will be a good indication of what kind of a bloke he really is. That way you finish it because he tries to mess with your head because youve explained your vulnerability, or he understands and you stay together.
2bazookas · 17/09/2021 13:41

No need to end it. See him when you have time, enjoy.

seensome · 17/09/2021 13:47

I would ask him round in the evening when your child is in bed, it's along time to be alone until your child no longer needs babysitting for you to go out.
In a years time you might feel differently about him meeting your child when you've got to know him well enough.

liveforsummer · 17/09/2021 14:29

My dc are 8 and 11 now and I still don't have the energy to date. As a pp said it's down to you as an individual