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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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30 replies

Dontknowwhatnametouse · 17/09/2021 06:59

I’ve been planning to leave my husband for a while now and am on the brink of having everything sorted and going. However I’m wondering if I’ll regret it and hoping for some honest advice.

Here are the facts presented as neutrally as I can:

When we’re alone together, we don’t seem to have much to talk about, other than work. Sometimes we just have awkward silences because there’s nothing to say. We don’t have many interests in common any more. But I wonder if that because I’ve been pulling away.

He doesn’t support me emotionally, even when I explicitly ask for what I want, he thinks I’m being over the top. Maybe I am. He never seems proud of me or happy when things go well.

He never surprises me with anything spontaneous, or romantic. But then I haven’t, for a while, because I got fed up of it not being reciprocated.

He’s quite selfish. Likes to do things that he wants to do, puts himself first. Watches what he wants on tv etc. But then sometimes he comes over all generous and wants to do what I want and I don’t really know what that is. So maybe he’s only being selfish in the absence of me having any sort of opinion about things.

He’s never lifted a finger around the house or life admin. But then I am quite particular about how these things are done, and have probably put him off contributing because he’s been worried he won’t do it the way I want it to be done. Having said that, if I ask him to do any sort of life admin task he will put it off, sometimes for months, so it’s always been easier to do it myself.

He doesn’t particularly pull his weight in parenting. But then if he has to parent on his own for the day he’s like a Disney dad and does all kinds of craft, baking etc. So maybe I’m being unfair with that.

He is very jealous and doesn’t like it if I do things without him. But maybe that’s just because he’s very insecure.

Trying to see things from both perspectives here. Does anyone think that I’ll regret leaving, or that these things are things that could be fixed?

We have talked at length about these things by the way, and no lasting changes have been made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowwhatnametouse · 17/09/2021 07:05

I don’t feel respected or loved. But maybe I’m being unrealistic about what that looks like, after 20 years.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/09/2021 07:13

Do you like him?
Do you feel happy when he walks in the door?
Are you happier and more relaxed when he isn't around, or when he is around?
Do you laugh together, have fun together?
Do you want him physically?
Is he the person you want to tell good or bad news to first?

If you don't have those sorts of things, then no, I don't think you'll regret it.

GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 07:17

I don't think you'll regret it, no.

If you're at the point of planning to leave then there is a very good reason for that.

You've already talked to him about it and nothing has improved. What makes you think that the next time will be the time it does? How exactly is it going to improve?

But then sometimes he comes over all generous and wants to do what I want and I don’t really know what that is

Doing what you want to do occasionally isn't being 'over generous', it's normal. He does it because if he was a shot to you all the time you wouldn't be questioning whether it's it's to leave. He doesn't want you to go because then he'd lose the perks of having you at home.

He doesn’t particularly pull his weight in parenting. But then if he has to parent on his own for the day he’s like a Disney dad and does all kinds of craft, baking etc.

Because that is the fun stuff that it's easy to do when you don't have to do it often. It's far more interesting than the every day parenting isn't it? Plus he's planned for it and so it doesn't encroach on his life too much. Plus see above about not being a shit all the time.

He is very jealous and doesn’t like it if I do things without him. But maybe that’s just because he’s very insecure.

Many abusers act out of insecurity and feelijgs of inadequacy. Doesn't lessen the impact on you though.

He’s never lifted a finger around the house or life admin. But then I am quite particular about how these things are done, and have probably put him off contributing because he’s been worried he won’t do it the way I want it to be done. Having said that, if I ask him to do any sort of life admin task he will put it off, sometimes for months, so it’s always been easier to do it myself.

He's not worried. He's doesn't want to do it and has found a way of not doing it - you've answered this yourself in your last sentence.

When we’re alone together, we don’t seem to have much to talk about, other than work. Sometimes we just have awkward silences because there’s nothing to say. We don’t have many interests in common any more. But I wonder if that because I’ve been pulling away.

Firstly, I'm not surprised you've been pulling away if that's the case! Secondly, effort is two ways. If you've given up trying because you go not response, I'd say you've done all you can.

Original poster
Dontknowwhatnametouse · 17/09/2021 07:20

I feel relieved when he doesn’t walk in the door (eg if he works late)
I’m happier and more relaxed when he isn’t around.
We do laugh together, to be fair. That’s one of the only things that’s left. But, only at his jokes. He doesn’t like it if I make jokes.
We do have sex but I think it’s just “going through the motions”
No, he’s not the first person I tell news to.

BUT

Could all these things be improved, by nurturing our relationship. Have they only become this way through neglect?

I’m so full of self doubt and second guessing myself

OP posts:
MrsWorriedMother · 17/09/2021 07:21

I would say he sounds like a lot of husbands / dads with respect to chores / admin / parenting. He doesn't sound like an awful person but ultimately it comes down to do you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him.

If the answer to that is no then life is too short. Move on and be happy.

Original poster
Dontknowwhatnametouse · 17/09/2021 07:23

Thanks, @GreyCarpet. You’re probably right. I guess I’m just conscious of the fact that I have many faults too, and some of the reason our relationship isn’t great, is down to me. Which means I could in theory improve things myself.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/09/2021 07:26

But he's got no interest in improving things. You can't do it on your own. There's only so many times you can go round and round getting lip-service to change.

RobinPenguins · 17/09/2021 07:27

I don’t feel respected or loved. But maybe I’m being unrealistic about what that looks like, after 20 years.

This isn’t what love looks like after 20 years. It changes, of course, but kindness, having each other’s back, being a team and feeling proud of one another shouldn’t go away.

It sounds difficult, I’m sorry. I think sometimes it’s harder to make a break when there’s no one concrete reason like infidelity, just two people who have changed and become incompatible or fallen out of love and it’s not the fault of either of them.

GoodnightGrandma · 17/09/2021 07:30

I feel very like you, but the one thing that has made me decide to go is the way he has made me feel lately. If I point out a mess he’s made and not cleared up I get this ‘face’ off him and an attitude of ‘here we go again, she nagging’ and I’ve had enough. I’ve told him that it’s disrespectful to make a mess after I’ve cleaned, and I’m the only one in the house that cleans.
I’ve become very resentful as I now push down anything I want to complain about and just do it myself, because of his attitude. I suppose it could be seen as a type of gaslighting - him making me feel too in to say anything.
Time to,go.

GoodnightGrandma · 17/09/2021 07:32
  • him making me feel too uncomfortable to say anything
GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 07:33

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

Thanks, *@GreyCarpet*. You’re probably right. I guess I’m just conscious of the fact that I have many faults too, and some of the reason our relationship isn’t great, is down to me. Which means I could in theory improve things myself.
Of course you have faults too. We all do!

But as Category12 says, he has no interest in improving things. You can't do it alone.

If you want to try it then do, it doesn't sound like a "leave now!" scenario just a "Is this really what you want the rest of your life to look like?" scenario.

So if you want to work on aspects of yourself, do so, try it.

But this...

I’m happier and more relaxed when he isn’t around

Says it all really. That's the point at which the relationship is over in my book.

Pemmican · 17/09/2021 07:35

I feel relieved when he doesn’t walk in the door (eg if he works late)

Your marriage is dead.

You're just living with its corpse.

Original poster
Dontknowwhatnametouse · 17/09/2021 07:37

Thanks everyone. You’ve all confirmed what I’ve been thinking, except @MrsWorriedMother - but this is what I’m concerned about! Is he just like most dads/husbands? Is this just life?

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 17/09/2021 07:52

No it’s not just life, there are many long married couples who enjoy a sex life and each other’s company.

GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 07:56

No. Its not just life!

More than that, even if it were just like everyone else's relationship, that doesn't mean you have to accept it for yourself.

You don't need to he in a relationship or arrange if it isn't making you happy. You could be single and living a great life instead.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/09/2021 08:00

No its not just life. He is just like many abusive H's I have read about on here and elsewhere.

Rebuild your life without him in it. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Themadcatparade · 17/09/2021 08:16

People are married for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years…. and still feel loved and respected.

From what you have said you make it sound like maybe you both have not put the effort in, have I got that right?

  1. Do you think it can be saved with effort?
  2. Do you want to carry on?
  3. Have you spoke to him about all of this? Is he approachable?
MissSmiley · 17/09/2021 08:47

@Dontknowwhatnametouse I left a man who I still loved, a man who I had been with for over 20 years, a man I still like a lot, makes me laugh but he was so stressful to be around, we're still great friends, the relationship made me feel lonely, I don't regret it, I'm much happier, everything doesn't have to be a complete disaster to end a marriage

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/09/2021 12:40

You've put a 'but' after every reason. You don't need to have a list of reasons. And you don't need any buts! It's time to go.

housewifeathome · 17/09/2021 12:52

I feel sad for you - nothing you have listed makes him sound like a bad person. Just human really. You just sound like you've drifted apart a bit perhaps, and I wonder if you could perhaps work on things. Or find things to do together, shared interests.

You sound like you haven't been making much of an effort either. I don't mean that in a bad or accusatory way so please don't take it like that - but it comes across as you've given up and maybe that's why he is also withdrawing?

My question to you is: how would you feel if you split up and he met someone else, would you feel jealous?

Also.. have you spoken to him about splitting up and what was his reaction?

Original poster
Dontknowwhatnametouse · 17/09/2021 21:17

Oh see you guys are as split as I am. Half saying I should just get on with it and half saying maybe I should give it more of a try.

So torn

OP posts:
category12 · 17/09/2021 22:01

How about a time limit? Give it a year/six months of counselling/mindset resetting/whatever, and if you're back in the same position/not much improved next autumn, then you split up?

Alcemeg · 19/09/2021 14:08

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

I don’t feel respected or loved. But maybe I’m being unrealistic about what that looks like, after 20 years.
No, not feeling respected or loved is not something you can dress up as a good relationship. These feelings don't arise out of thing air. You'll be happier alone. Good luck! Flowers
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 19/09/2021 14:38

Why doesn’t he like it if you make a joke?!

girlmom21 · 19/09/2021 14:42

You're questioning yourself on things because your actions have changed as a result of his actions.

If you were happy with him you wouldn't have changed and you wouldn't be questioning your own judgement.