Stay or go

[Dontknowwhatnametouse]

I’ve been planning to leave my husband for a while now and am on the brink of having everything sorted and going. However I’m wondering if I’ll regret it and hoping for some honest advice.

Here are the facts presented as neutrally as I can:

When we’re alone together, we don’t seem to have much to talk about, other than work. Sometimes we just have awkward silences because there’s nothing to say. We don’t have many interests in common any more. But I wonder if that because I’ve been pulling away.

He doesn’t support me emotionally, even when I explicitly ask for what I want, he thinks I’m being over the top. Maybe I am. He never seems proud of me or happy when things go well.

He never surprises me with anything spontaneous, or romantic. But then I haven’t, for a while, because I got fed up of it not being reciprocated.

He’s quite selfish. Likes to do things that he wants to do, puts himself first. Watches what he wants on tv etc. But then sometimes he comes over all generous and wants to do what I want and I don’t really know what that is. So maybe he’s only being selfish in the absence of me having any sort of opinion about things.

He’s never lifted a finger around the house or life admin. But then I am quite particular about how these things are done, and have probably put him off contributing because he’s been worried he won’t do it the way I want it to be done. Having said that, if I ask him to do any sort of life admin task he will put it off, sometimes for months, so it’s always been easier to do it myself.

He doesn’t particularly pull his weight in parenting. But then if he has to parent on his own for the day he’s like a Disney dad and does all kinds of craft, baking etc. So maybe I’m being unfair with that.

He is very jealous and doesn’t like it if I do things without him. But maybe that’s just because he’s very insecure.

Trying to see things from both perspectives here. Does anyone think that I’ll regret leaving, or that these things are things that could be fixed?

We have talked at length about these things by the way, and no lasting changes have been made.

He’s never lifted a finger around the house or life admin. But then I am quite particular about how these things are done, and have probably put him off contributing because he’s been worried he won’t do it the way I want it to be done. Having said that, if I ask him to do any sort of life admin task he will put it off, sometimes for months, so it’s always been easier to do it myself

Have you genuinely intimidated him away from doing these things or is he running the strategic incompetence and 'Nothing I ever do is right so I shan't bother at all' defence?

You've agreed changes and my sense is that he is the one who has predominantly failed to introduce and maintain them.

How will you feel about your life if you continue like this for another 2, 5, 10, or 20 years? What are you modelling for your children?

I ended my marriage last December and it was pretty much the same as what you are describing although I wasn’t attracted to him either and our marriage had been sexless for a decade (yes, a decade)!!! Big age gap didn’t help but I knew, deep down, I was living a lie and had been protecting others (him/my children) instead of putting myself first.
What brought it to a head was menopause. It hit me a little early - at 45 - and the symptoms were extreme for 6 months. I became very, very conscious of how I was feeling. In the end, my head was turned by someone else - I won’t give the details -
but it was a big wake up call for me and made me realise my life wasn’t what I’d expected and it was, indeed, a dead marriage. With a hell of a lot of soul searching I decided to call it a day as I, like you, felt better when he wasn’t around. It was torture for me now, looking back.
Good luck with your decision but I have no regrets.

@CosmicUnicorn your post really resonates with me and how I’m feeling. Honestly? No regrets? And was it an amicable split or did it get messy

@SweetBabyCheeses99 on reflection - he doesn’t like it when I do anything that outshines him. He will restore the balance (ha!) with a little joke at my expense or derogatory comment. Nice guy isn’t he

@adultchildofalcoholicparents I am quite particular about how things are done and I might have, in hindsight, made him feel a bit crap about a few things he’s done badly. But to be honest I think its more like you describe than I’d realised. He’s perfectly competent at work, and actually, he’s very particular about things being done to a high standard there too 🙄