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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another one about behaviour!

38 replies

Namebunny · 17/09/2021 03:20

Visiting elderly mum for a week, I last saw her for one week before Xmas. Dh says’ why should I do all the work while you have a holiday?’ And asks me how ill pay for it. ( I’m a sahm). Eventually he is ok about me going , when the teens are off school so he can cope. The day I travel he suddenly offers to take kids to school - he never does this. As I’m packing he tells me he thinks he’ll resign. Why now? Am about to leave so obv rubbish time to drop a bombshell. When I get there it’s like he has no options so he now has to be nice. If I’m right and it’s the same pattern, when I get home he’ll be super pleased to see me and get a flu and have to have a day in bed being brought dinner in bed.
Actually that sounds crap doesn’t it.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/09/2021 06:07

Yes it sounds like crap.

He doesn't want you to go so he's determined to put a spanner in the works. And punish you when you get back.

Perhaps you need to go back to work and plan an exit?

Original poster
Namebunny · 18/09/2021 04:27

Thanks category 12.
Just not sure how, but yes, I think you’re right

OP posts:
Weenurse · 18/09/2021 04:38

Agree, become independent,so the power to choose whether to stay or go, is yours

QueenBee52 · 18/09/2021 05:20

@category12

Yes it sounds like crap.

He doesn't want you to go so he's determined to put a spanner in the works. And punish you when you get back.

Perhaps you need to go back to work and plan an exit?

Agreed

Please enjoy this time with your precious Mum... time slips through your fingers like sand... treat it with the respect it deserves..

Im sorry but your husband is a selfish prick ..

PinniGig · 18/09/2021 05:21

Wow he sounds a piece of work. I'm tempted to think you should start hatching plans and get out of there with the kids asap.

Bananalanacake · 18/09/2021 07:30

What's he like if you have a night out

Wombat96 · 18/09/2021 07:33

Clearly has some issues. Far too much drama.

I'd get a plan together.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/09/2021 07:35

This

Shoxfordian · 18/09/2021 07:35

It sounds like you should stay with your mum and not go back. He’s very controlling

BrutusMcDogface · 18/09/2021 07:39

He’s a childish, petulant arse. Definitely look into how you can become independent of him, as he just loves the control he has over you.
Could you look for a job?

bigbaggyeyes · 18/09/2021 07:41

I'd have responded to his comment about resigning with 'if it's what you want then ok, we'll talk about it some more when I'm home' then go and enjoy your time with your Mum.

He's trying to sabotage your time with your Mum because, selfishly, he doesn't want you to go. He'll then punish you when you get home. I'd not run around for him when he's sick, offer him the food you've got in the cupboard and leave him to it. Then have a discussion about you going back to work so he can resign. Or you could just kick him into touch and leave his abusive arse

Brollywasntneededafterall · 18/09/2021 08:16

Urgh he sounds like my exh.
After years of mc I was back in touch with my dm. He bloody hated it... He used to text me all day if I was with her. Nasty ones if I didn't reply quick enough..
Even my 40th was ruined by him.
I divorced him before I turned 41..
Best thing I ever did.

Original poster
Namebunny · 18/09/2021 10:29

Thanks guys. Big baggy eyes (I’m sure they are beautiful!) I did do this. Go me! Yes, I’ll say I’m busy when he’s sick. Thanks.
Also…we couldn’t go away in summer as he had big meetings. That kept moving so we all had to wait for him. He said we’d go away at half term, and his parents offered to chip in..now he’s making excuses to book anything - covid/ work/ my work ( it’s my busy time, but I could work with a laptop) money. Just realised this has happened before too.
Is it deliberate? Does he know he’s doing it? Am I being selfish just thinking of holidays while he brings in the money, as he says. I have a bit of savings I could use, but I find I automatically come to a mental stop when I think of booking anything.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 18/09/2021 10:38

Is it deliberate? Does he know he’s doing it

Doesn't matter. If you're asking us rather than talking to him, the relationship is dead. You're on the look out all the time for what games he's playing.

Am I being selfish just thinking of holidays

You're not going to be lying on a beach, are you. A decent spouse respects that their partner needs to maintain family connections. How would you respond if he arranged to go and see an elderly family member of his?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2021 10:48

I remember you from previous writings re him.
Did you ever get around to reading the Lundy Bancroft book that was recommended to you?.

Colourmeclear · 18/09/2021 11:01

It does sound pretty crap. It sounds like you know him very well and it's draining that all it seems you can hope for is that he isn't a complete twat. Holidays are supposed to be an escape but if he's there too, how much of a break is it really?

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 18/09/2021 11:05

You say you have a bit of savings you could use to pay for a holiday. Is there sufficient in that pot to pay for legal advice / rent somewhere so you can leave?

Original poster
Namebunny · 18/09/2021 11:50

Thanks Attila. Gosh, Yes I did and Yes it was a difficult read. I wondered if I got too sucked into thinking of him, and now I’ve found that I got sucked in again. Things can be ok - until I want to do something for me but it’s so subtle it’s hard to pinpoint. I’m just left feeling confused and dispirited somehow. It’s like a step forward and two back. I will re read it. Also denial, also sheer impossibility of leaving. Savings are 2 k, so not much for rent!
Also learnt am in habit of being a victim, moaning on mn and not getting any oomph, as nothing seems doable. I really don’t like that. I’ve become really wet.
Sounds daft but I have a few people in my life that I only just realised (!) make me feel miserable, which is great as it means I can do something about them.
Started a thread about this and a wonderful p mentioned darvo Deny Attack and Reverse Victim and Offeneder. Explains why I’m confused and exhausted! Really need to get some oomph. It’s very tiring holding yourself back all the time!
Thanks so much mns.

OP posts:
pinkflask · 18/09/2021 11:53

Can you call him out on his behaviour in advance? Eg say clearly - “whenever I go away, you get ill the next day and need to be waited on”. Then he’s aware that you know and if it happens again you know it’s deliberate!

Elieza · 18/09/2021 12:24

Could he have mh issues and can’t handle you his rock not being there?

Or is he just an arse.

Agree with calling him on it. You may well get gaslighted but at least you’ll have said your piece.

The kids are older so perhaps now is the time to get back to work. Then you’ll have more choices. And not have to listen to his bs. And he can’t complain you don’t work. Let’s see how much he likes doing his share of housework!

CoasterCoaster · 18/09/2021 12:52

OP you say you're a SAHM but then mention him using it being your busy time at work as an excuse not to book to go away. Does that mean you do have some income of your own and if so could you increase your hours to get more independence? Also, if you are actually working, has he put the idea in your head that you are somehow still a SAHM because you earn less than him or something? I just wonder if this is another manipulation technique he's used on you to make you feel more dependent on/beholden to him when actually you do contribute to household finances?

toothpicklover · 18/09/2021 12:58

I’m confused by the SAHM comment and then you say it’s a busy time at work for you

Original poster
Namebunny · 18/09/2021 13:00

Pink flask, that’s a great idea. He’ll deny it of course.
Eliza I’ve been looking for work for ages with exactly that in mind!
He may well have mh issues, his parents are mad. And he’s had a rough few years.
Getting a bit tired of being his rock though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namebunny · 20/09/2021 05:10

Oh, sorry. I’m a sahm and as I seem to unemployable, have started a small Etsy shop. Last Xmas it made a small amount So he’s being supportive, with reservations . He’d like to resign as he hates his job and do something else, so I need to be earning a huge amount.
In the past he’s gone from suggesting training to saying Don’t waste your time and I somehow lost impetus. He’ll deny it, and it’s taken me a while to realise that to do anything is somehow a massive struggle. Which I thought was me being flaky. It probably is, I find it impossible to make a tiny decision and everything scares me. I’m sure I used to have oomph!

OP posts:
Kittenlittlen · 20/09/2021 05:28

So you’re a SAHM and as a result he thinks the family income belongs entirely to him simply because he’s doing the paid share of the families work?
Tell him that’s fine . You’ll find the money to go away ( borrow it from a friend if need be ) . Maybe consider returning to work and releasing yourself from this horrible situation
Then tell him he better be ready to cough up money for a housekeeper and someone to care for his kids while he’s working because you will no longer be available to provide him free childcare and housekeeping .