Another one about behaviour!

[Namebunny]

Visiting elderly mum for a week, I last saw her for one week before Xmas. Dh says’ why should I do all the work while you have a holiday?’ And asks me how ill pay for it. ( I’m a sahm). Eventually he is ok about me going , when the teens are off school so he can cope. The day I travel he suddenly offers to take kids to school - he never does this. As I’m packing he tells me he thinks he’ll resign. Why now? Am about to leave so obv rubbish time to drop a bombshell. When I get there it’s like he has no options so he now has to be nice. If I’m right and it’s the same pattern, when I get home he’ll be super pleased to see me and get a flu and have to have a day in bed being brought dinner in bed.
Actually that sounds crap doesn’t it.

Bum, lost my reply! Just thank you. I’d LOVE to go back to work but seem to be unemployable and he thinks I was wasting my time in a shop. Thanks all, I’ve slipped back into wimp mode. Not good!

What a horrible wee bastard of a man. The anger I get when I read threads like this is immense.

You might need to emotionally toughen up and really call him out for his shit. Refuse to be emotionally manipulated by him anymore.

Thanks rjacksmiss.
I agree with you.
When I’m away, I question, when I’m back I get sucked in again. It sounds silly, but like so many others, it’s hard to know what’s just general crap after both being at home for so long.
I mentioned to a friend he’d said about money to come away and she said, ‘he’s not doing that is he’
You are right, I need to call him out - and see what happens. I suspect massive DARVO.

Well omg! My cynical predictions haven’t occurred! Dp is as positive as I’ve ever seen him, no being ill. Just nice, welcoming party. He enjoyed being with the kids. obviously I’m back in place as housekeeper, and listener to his daily woes, but that’s up to me to sort out. And I am starting to put a lid on endless negativity.
Delightfully surprised! My bad!

I remember your previous threads.

A sudden personality change - I'd suspect he's found your threads.

I find it unlikely that he's had a major revelation in the space of a week when he's dealing with self sufficient teens and not even having to do the school run 🤔

Thanks even more furious vexation. I don’t know what’s happening.. I have stopped helping/ enabling. I now say, ( for example) ’ she’s your mum, you should know her address, not me’ instead of rushing off to find the address book. I say,’ can you make the salad/ load the dishwasher while you are going on about work’ It’s little things, but I am now putting my foot down a lot and.. well, fingers crossed. It might change, but I think I have strategy’s. I have also worked on my confidence, so I feel like a person. Not an invisible home help who doesn’t deserve any better.
We’ll see!

I really hope he's had a revelation and does change, permanently.

Ime people tend to make an effort when given an ultimatum then revert to type, but cross fingers your fella continues to step up!

Thanks! I am guilty of being optimistic and I think you are right and I’ll turn into a boiled frog again. Have noticed that they managed without me , but now I’m back I realise just how much sodding housekeeping I do!

Why do you keep saying you’re unemployable? Are you chronically insubordinate? Incapable of following instructions or being punctual? I’m guessing not, btw! Parenting gives you a heap of skills and you can learn how to use equipment and learn systems. Just wondering if it’s a message your H has fed you over the years.

I'm glad you're growing in confidence @Namebunny
And it's great that you're expecting more of him - the address book and salad / dishwasher examples are good ones. Keep them up. Don't falter.

For a long time you've been in a place where his opinions and his feelings matter more to you than your own. You've deferred to him. You've assumed he has some magical ability to know you better than you know yourself.

Now you've seen how he treats you, and how you have allowed him to, you can't 'un-see' it. Which is good.

There is a small chance that he's had some sort of revelation and - if you keep calling him out and not standing for his nonsense - that you can go on to have a happy relationship.

Sadly the chances of that are fairly small, as controlling, selfish tendancies tend to be very deeply ingrained. It's possible (and unfortunately, more likely) that his current efforts are just part of a plan to get you back in line again.

Please look in to retraining / applying for jobs. If your DH has changed then he will encourage this and actively support you. He'll do all he can to help make it happen, including happily accepting that he will have to take on more of the household tasks than he currently does to balance the workload.

Thanks dery and layladomino for your support.
I’m very out of touch with my previous career.it’s massively competitive.and moves very quickly And have no office skills or experience- I haven’t even had an interview in aeons. I sound victim y again. Will look into some sort of training It’s good to write this stuff out and read it though other mns eyes as it were. I also said this a year ago and seem to be still stuck, though moving very slowly forward.
I am currently working on some ( I think!) lovely bits for Etsy, which did surprisingly well last year. Dh doesn’t encourage, it feels like he’s pressuring me to get on, but then when I said I was looking at a new printer he rolled his eyes and said,’a printer?’ Then I doubt myself.
It’s a lot of money going out ( from last year) and I’m very nervous about wasting it.
although I have finally got a space to work in. And have stopped meeting him for lunch etc he’d moan about his morning and it would take me ages to get back on track again. I thought it was me being lazy and unproductive, it is, but I also realised that all the moaning was exhausting and leaving me no time to think.
He thinks I’m playing, wasting time and the pressure is on him and he hates his job. I think I’d need to retrain, which Dh rolls his eyes at and tells me iv had years and I’m making excuses.
Yesterday I went out for chores and he’d tidied the kitchen So that’s good.
I’m also, I’m ashamed to say, knocking back the wine atm. Not good.
Thanks!

Don't get into a shame spiral about it, but knock it on the head. t's a coping mechanism but an unhealthy, damaging one.

You'll have more energy, more resilient emotionally and clearer headed if you don't lean on alcohol.

Thanks category12 certainly would. Feel awful today too!