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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why doesn't he support me..

30 replies

Yellowcrockpot · 17/09/2021 01:21

I dont really know why I am writing this, except there might be someone who will listen.

I am mid 30s. Dp mid 50s. Promised me the world, never happened (I believed he had a successful business, money coming from a house sale when I met him, it never came) I was naive and silly, gave him all my savings..

Almost 4 years on I have now changed career (after I gave my successful career up) and I am struggling trying to make my way in a very competitive market.

At first Dp was very supportive, until he met other men on my course (who were perfectly nice to him), I have passed my first course (with support from MN) and now I have enrolled on an intermediate course, Dp has spent the whole evening putting me down, as i am already feeling insecure that I won't pass this course, I have to learn quickly alot of Latin for my subjects.

Dp met some people on my first course and didn't "like them" (probably because they were male and I got on with them) now he's telling me I've only gone on this course through "comfort" when the honest truth is just that I want to love what I do, and be somebody..
Where I am trying to be is a competitive market..

I'm not 100% sure why I'm writing this except to prehaps get aome support? Am I just wasting my time?

OP posts:
Unsure1983 · 17/09/2021 01:22

Wasting your time with him, yes.

Original poster
Yellowcrockpot · 17/09/2021 01:23

Apologies If my post didn't make much sense, feeling a little bit insecure and put down.

OP posts:
Shanghaisprize · 17/09/2021 01:29

Am I just wasting my time?

With the career change and courses - no, definitely not. With your OH - yes, by the sounds of it. He is a liar and controlling and will hold you back in life and drain your precious energy. You are still young, don't waste your precious time or energy on a man like this, walk away.

Shanghaisprize · 17/09/2021 01:36

feeling a little bit insecure and put down

Well, yes - that's exactly what he is aiming for. He knows you can easily do way better than him, and is trying to destroy your confidence so you don't also see that. Be very careful, manipulation like this is very insidious, it will destroy your self-esteem and sense of self and make it incredibly hard to leave the relationship. Which is exactly what he wants btw.

BlackIsQueen · 17/09/2021 01:41

Oh love don't let him steal anymore of your precious life.

Time40 · 17/09/2021 01:49

He sounds toxic, OP. Why did you give up your previous career? Did he manipulate you into doing that?

QueenBee52 · 17/09/2021 01:50

LTB

Original poster
Yellowcrockpot · 17/09/2021 01:56

Thank you as always lovely people who have replied.
I am working so hard to get to where I want to be.
I applied for a job, and Dp was very supportive. I didnt get the job and someone else did, so I've ended up volunteering at the same place, and I think making a good impression, but I worry I'm wasting my time.
Dp says I probably am.
Now ive gone on the next course, and he's become incredibly insecure, even down to being derogatory about my tutor who is very knowledgeable and supportive.
I dont know what to make of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowcrockpot · 17/09/2021 02:01

@Time40

He sounds toxic, OP. Why did you give up your previous career? Did he manipulate you into doing that?
If I am very honest, then yes. It was my lifeline, and I was very good at it, but he promised to "look after me" (young and naive, and unhappy in my career)
OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowcrockpot · 17/09/2021 02:04

But what I don't understand, wise MN, is that where I volunteer, and didn't get the job I applied for, dp has come and worked his socks off to support me, and make me look good, he's not all bad, so why the negativity sometimes but not others?!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2021 02:10

You can't possibly get rid of this arsehole fast enough.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2021 02:11

He likes you younger, less powerful and insecure. You building yourself up gets you closer to leaving. Because you will in the end. You're growing past him.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2021 02:16

@MrsTerryPratchett

He likes you younger, less powerful and insecure. You building yourself up gets you closer to leaving. Because you will in the end. You're growing past him.
This x1,000,000.

He knows that if he wants to keep you around, he's got to keep you down.

Original poster
Yellowcrockpot · 17/09/2021 02:21

I'm sat here quietly reading the replies. It was MN that got me to get on a course in the first place. The belief even strangers had in me.
I think that's why i am writing this post again.
Thank you for the honest replies in really am trying

OP posts:
Namebunny · 17/09/2021 02:27

I wonder if he helps you with volunteering because it’s safe for him - he knows you didn’t get the job so are not about to run off.- and it makes him look good. And he can bask in your admiration and keep an eye on you. He says you are wasting your time - Does he actually help and encourage or is there little put downs? I think he’s keeping an eye on you and just drip feeding that it’s a waste until you lose the will to do it. They can be so subtle you don’t even notice them. Keep a journal of conversations.
I’m going through similar and it’s taken ages for me to see because it’s all so subtly done. You doubt yourself and can’t see what’s going on because it becomes the norm. It doesn’t need to be noticeable, or dramatic but over time you get sucked in and lose confidence.
Slagging off the teacher id say is a definite sign that he wants to be the big man in your life. And is trying to put you off doing the course. I had similar, it was all,’oh it’s raining, stay in tonight, ’ it meant I’d get to the course exhausted and not sure why. Does this happen to you?

Namebunny · 17/09/2021 02:31

Oh gosh, look at your post..you had savings you gave to him. You had a career you’ve stopped encouraged by him, you’re doing a course he can’t actually say no outright to so he’s making it hard to do it.
He is dragging you down. It will get harder and harder to get to the surface again.

BlackIsQueen · 17/09/2021 02:39

Because he can only feel like he is a worthwhile human when you need him and he will resort to any means to keep you in a subordinate state.

Coyoacan · 17/09/2021 04:25

I'm so glad you have consulted mumsnet, OP.

Billandbob · 17/09/2021 04:40

The best advice I can think of is to leave this lying horrible man!

twoandeights · 17/09/2021 04:44

What did he do with your savings?

WandaLust101 · 17/09/2021 04:44

Relationships should lift you up and enhance your life. Of course there are tough times, but, overall your partner should be a positive addition to your life.

Can you honestly say that about this guy?

Time40 · 17/09/2021 09:18

But what I don't understand, wise MN, is that where I volunteer, and didn't get the job I applied for, dp has come and worked his socks off to support me, and make me look good, he's not all bad, so why the negativity sometimes but not others

Because if you volunteer rather than doing paid work, that's good for him - you're not being paid, so you have less independence and are kept dependent on him.

I agree with other posters: this man is trying to keep you down. He's doing everything he can to stop you developing a career, because he knows that you will grow past him and then leave - and I'm sure he thinks that this is especially likely because he is twenty years older than you. He will be really feeling the age-difference by now, op - trust me on that!

I think this is coercive control, and I think you should leave him.

middlingmess · 17/09/2021 09:28

You will definitely leave him, that fact you've posted on here means you have awareness that he's toxic.

Now you know you will definitely leave him, why waste anymore of your time?
Just finish it and start your new and improved life.

OhCobblers · 17/09/2021 09:34

@MrsTerryPratchett

He likes you younger, less powerful and insecure. You building yourself up gets you closer to leaving. Because you will in the end. You're growing past him.
Couldn't agree more with this.

Do you mind me asking how much in savings you gave him and why? Is there a chance you could get that back?

FetchezLaVache · 17/09/2021 09:38

You're staying because of your sunken costs, both literal and metaphorical. You're never going to get any of it back, just cut your losses and move on.