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Original poster

Don’t know what to do

47 replies

Jd1991 · 16/09/2021 21:57

Hi all. Sorry for this post I’m new here but I don’t know where else to turn. My and my boyfriend we’ve been together nearly 4 years… it’s been long distance due to ur jobs. We’ve discussed starting a family etc and are both keen on the idea , however it’s come to light recently that he has actually lied about his age to me. Amongst other things… told me he was born in 88…. He was born in 82, the age doesn’t bother me it’s the fact that he lied about it…. I also stumbled across a letter from child maintenance…… he’s got a son… not once has he mentioned this to me. I love him so so much and I know I need to discuss this with him but it’s hard to because that lack of trust is in the air. What would you do? How would you tackle this topic? I’m scared it will ruin what we have…. But then not saying anything will too. Please help a girl in need

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 22:04

His age isn't that big a deal but he's lied to you about having a child.
That would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me.

Presumably he has no contact with the child? I wouldn't be able to have a child with an absent father even if I could trust him.

NannyOggsward · 16/09/2021 22:07

He’s lied to you about 2 huge things.

He’s a liar, who can omit, lie and keep you out of parts of his life.

What you have isnt real based on this anyway, run run run. Although I suspect you’ll be one who is back in a couple of years, baby in arms and he’s still messing with your head.

LIZS · 16/09/2021 22:08

Those are pretty significant lies to hide for four years. What else has he not told you? Are you included in family events, met his friends etc. Does he have any contact with his child and/or ex?

OneFootintheRave · 16/09/2021 22:12

Don't be a fool. This man is a liar. You've seen the light. Wise up.

seensome · 16/09/2021 22:15

This is the biggest deal breaker I've seen on here ever I think, the age one is very off putting but to completely pretend his son never existed to you is unbelievable, why would you want to settle down with a man like that and you say he's a long distance relationship, it's quite possible he's already got a double life and another relationship. I wouldn't trust anything about him. Run!

GentlemanJay · 16/09/2021 22:42

Two massive lies. Huge. Maybe it's time to run.

ChargingBuck · 17/09/2021 00:55

It's been 4 years & he LIED about being a father?
& is happy to concoct a ridiculous lie about his age?

These are just the 2 lies you've found out about ...

What would you do? How would you tackle this topic?
I would tackle it head on, & ask what the fuck he thinks he's playing at, concealing a child that he evidently doesn't bother to maintain a relationship with.

I would expect him to bluster back with more bullshit about how he's an innocent wounded party, the mother of his child is mad, prevents him from seeing the child, he pays but isn't allowed contact for (invented) reasons ... & then I would dump him.

OP, if you had a child, no matter at how much distance, would you be able to simply pretend that child doesn't exist, to your partner of 4 years?

It is inexcusable.
Why would you look to "start a family" with a man who can so easily abandon his child?

Iflyaway · 17/09/2021 01:01

I’m scared it will ruin what we have….

He has ruined what you have. He's not the man you thought he was.

Bin him off because if you stay you are setting yourself up for a life of misery.

So sorry OP.

Nogardenersworld · 17/09/2021 01:09

No I wouldn’t tackle either of these things I’d just stop contacting him
You’ve been together FOUR years, and he doesn’t mention that he lied about his age or his son?
Why did he lie about his age too? What was the point?
And how’s he kept a child secret? He can’t be seeing them that much? That’s what your DC can look forward to too

What other secrets has he got that you’ve kit found
I honestly couldn’t be bothered

You don’t even live together, cut and run before it gets more complicated

category12 · 17/09/2021 06:36

I’m scared it will ruin what we have….

It's ruined already. Speaking about it isn't what will ruin it.

GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 06:38

@category12

I’m scared it will ruin what we have….

It's ruined already. Speaking about it isn't what will ruin it.

Was just about to post this very thing.
GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 06:41

It would be a deal breakers for me. You're already long distance so you don't have combined lives. I'd just dump him amdove on. Not even worth trying to sort this one out. How will you ever trust him about anything?

Aubree17 · 17/09/2021 06:45

He's lied about two very important things.

Someone who doesn't talk about his child (think how proudly most parents talk about their children) and would perhaps appear to be avoiding responsibility on the back of the child support letter is not someone who will make a good parent.

Please consider any future with this man. I fear it will be lined with misery.

Somuddled · 17/09/2021 06:48

What to do? Easy, breakup with him and move on. He is not a good person. Keep reminding yourself that you don't love him, you love the person he pretended to be. That's not the reality, so you don't love him.

niceupthedanceagain · 17/09/2021 06:59

Sounds like he could be my son's dad! He never tells his girlfriends about him because he doesn't see him by choice. I'd suggest if your boyfriend could lie about these two things he'll be lying about other things - faithfulness for example. Sorry I'd leave him.

GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 07:02

Put it like this.

You have two choices now.

  1. Think,"God, I deserve better than that!" Dump and move on with your life.

  2. Decide to 'forgive' him, try and make it work and then realise 10 years and a couple of children down the line that you should have dumped him and moved on at this point.

If you stay with him, this won't be your last post on MN about him, I can pretty much guarantee that!

housewifeathome · 17/09/2021 07:04

He's lied to you about two significant things...

He has lied. Full stop. And maintained those lies for four years.

Genuine men don't do this. The long distance thing suggests he quite possibly has another double life that doesn't include you.

Please leave him! He isn't worthy.

LemonTT · 17/09/2021 07:47

@Nogardenersworld

No I wouldn’t tackle either of these things I’d just stop contacting him You’ve been together FOUR years, and he doesn’t mention that he lied about his age or his son? Why did he lie about his age too? What was the point? And how’s he kept a child secret? He can’t be seeing them that much? That’s what your DC can look forward to too

What other secrets has he got that you’ve kit found
I honestly couldn’t be bothered

You don’t even live together, cut and run before it gets more complicated

I agree. What is there to tackle? You know he has lied to an extent that means he cannot be trusted.

Time to pack up and go, metaphorically because you don’t live together. Which sort of explains why the plans for a family are also a lie.

You know your truth. You don’t need his explanations or lies. Believe in yourself and your truth and walk. The alternative is to ask for more lies.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 17/09/2021 08:33

Run. He lies.

thenewduchessofhastings · 17/09/2021 08:40

I wouldn't have a child with a man who can hide a child and ignore him/her full stop.It shows what he can do to your own child if you had one together and says volumes about the type of person he is.

Also I'd never trust him again;a man who's capable of huge lies and concealing things like that would also be capable of hiding other thing like a mistress etc

Marjoriedrawers · 17/09/2021 08:54

Unless you've asked him in the past if he has children and he said no, then he hasn't lied about having a child. He just didn't tell you which although deceitful is not the same as being flat out asked if you have kids and then lying about it. But regardless trust us a problem now because he did lie about his age and concealed the fact he had a child by omission.

Windmillwhirl · 17/09/2021 09:07

He can't be trusted. The warning signs are as clear as day. I think you will waste your life if you stay with a man you cannot trust.

Nogardenersworld · 17/09/2021 09:49

@Marjoriedrawers

Unless you've asked him in the past if he has children and he said no, then he hasn't lied about having a child. He just didn't tell you which although deceitful is not the same as being flat out asked if you have kids and then lying about it. But regardless trust us a problem now because he did lie about his age and concealed the fact he had a child by omission.
Hmm maybe if they’d been together four months

But four years?!?!
They’ve talked about a family together and he’s not mentioned he’s already got one

Marjoriedrawers · 17/09/2021 10:00

The point remains. Had she asked him if he has children and he flat out denied it then yes he lied. Ha the discussion of whether he has children never been raised but he omitted to tell her he already had one then that's deceitful but it's not the sane as having the conversation and flat out lying. Either way the relationship is in trouble if he can omit something this important.

LindaEllen · 17/09/2021 10:16

Sorry but if this was me, I wouldn't be able to trust him again. Not telling you about his son is huge. It shows to me that he doesn't care much about him, which wouldn't make him an ideal candidate for the father of YOUR children, IMO.