Page 2 | Don’t know what to do

Jd1991 · 2021-09-16T20:57:20+00:00

Hi all. Sorry for this post I’m new here but I don’t know where else to turn. My and my boyfriend we’ve been together nearly 4 years… it’s been long distance due to ur jobs. We’ve discussed starting a family etc and are both keen on the idea , however it’s come to light recently that he has actually lied about his age to me. Amongst other things… told me he was born in 88…. He was born in 82, the age doesn’t bother me it’s the fact that he lied about it…. I also stumbled across a letter from child maintenance…… he’s got a son… not once has he mentioned this to me. I love him so so much and I know I need to discuss this with him but it’s hard to because that lack of trust is in the air. What would you do? How would you tackle this topic? I’m scared it will ruin what we have…. But then not saying anything will too. Please help a girl in need

Original poster

Jd1991 · 17/09/2021 14:52

Thank you for just saying what I’m thinking. The only reason I find this as struggle I’m not (in my opinion….) The best looking person in the world you has massive self confidence issues, a poor opinion of myself/ shy etc. I don’t want any sympathy or anything like that. He’s the only person who has made me feel like this ever, and I really want a family kids etc the whole lot. I know it’s the right thing to leave I guess I’m just gutted I may never get my hopes and dreams. This weekend…. Im doing what’s right for me so thanks for helping see sense.

OP posts:

Viddy2021 · 17/09/2021 15:05

Correction- he's the first person maybe but not the only one. You deserve so much better. No decent man hides the existence of a child to a partner of four years.

layladomino · 17/09/2021 15:06

All the best @Jd1991

You really won't regret leaving him. He lies. He's lied for 4 years. And to lie (by omission) that he doesn't have a child is just awful. That shows you who he is as a father. Would you choose that father for your own child?

So a potentially uncaring / absent father, and a lying partner. He is no catch. You deserve better.

Anordinarymum · 17/09/2021 15:09

Oh dear, he is a liar isn't he? It's time to rethink

Mamamamasaurus · 17/09/2021 15:14

I haven't RTFT

He's shown you who and what he is - a liar. What next, a prison sentence? A whole family?

VirgilStarkwell · 17/09/2021 15:20

Dump and run. You deserve SO much better than this arsehole.

ChargingBuck · 17/09/2021 15:23

@Marjoriedrawers

Unless you've asked him in the past if he has children and he said no, then he hasn't lied about having a child. He just didn't tell you which although deceitful is not the same as being flat out asked if you have kids and then lying about it. But regardless trust us a problem now because he did lie about his age and concealed the fact he had a child by omission.

Come on - it's not just about trust.

It's about a man who has contentedly abandoned/neglected his own child FFS.

There's nothing to "tackle" in a conversation. He's a shit.

housewifeathome · 17/09/2021 15:37

OP when you love someone you don't hold back or lie about your age or having a child. If you value your partner and see a future with them you can't be anything but truthful about who you really are. There's no relationship at all without honesty and trust.

Simply put, I don't think he is or ever was, particularly interested in a future with you. The long distance thing confirms this. I think he's been stringing you along whilst living his life. You sound like you have very little self confidence so maybe you have been feeding his ego and that's why he's around 4 years later. Please try to work on your confidence as you sounds so lovely and you deserve so much better than the crumbs he is throwing you. There are other men out there who have so much more to give you than this liar 😘 xx

Marjoriedrawers · 17/09/2021 16:39

@Chargingbuck

Whole lot of assumptions there. We know nothing about the circumstances of the child or if there's been abandonment or neglect. All we know is he just hasn't told the OP. How do you know the ex hasn't prevented access or didn't even tell him she was pregnant until the CSA came after him and now he doesn't know how to tell OP?

GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 17:02

@Jd1991

Thank you for just saying what I’m thinking. The only reason I find this as struggle I’m not (in my opinion….) The best looking person in the world you has massive self confidence issues, a poor opinion of myself/ shy etc. I don’t want any sympathy or anything like that. He’s the only person who has made me feel like this ever, and I really want a family kids etc the whole lot. I know it’s the right thing to leave I guess I’m just gutted I may never get my hopes and dreams. This weekend…. Im doing what’s right for me so thanks for helping see sense.

Glad to hear it.

The thing is, you're never going to have the life you want with this man.

Go amd find someone better!

GreyCarpet · 17/09/2021 17:05

[quote Marjoriedrawers]@Chargingbuck

Whole lot of assumptions there. We know nothing about the circumstances of the child or if there's been abandonment or neglect. All we know is he just hasn't told the OP. How do you know the ex hasn't prevented access or didn't even tell him she was pregnant until the CSA came after him and now he doesn't know how to tell OP?[/quote]
I can't believe you've stated his ex denying him access in his defence

Just think about the reasons why women deny their children's fathers access...

And, if it were the case that he'd managed managed have landed himself one of those psycho exes, and it was unjustifiable, he'd have gone through the courts; stopped at nothing. Right?

ChargingBuck · 17/09/2021 17:11

[quote Marjoriedrawers]@Chargingbuck

Whole lot of assumptions there. We know nothing about the circumstances of the child or if there's been abandonment or neglect. All we know is he just hasn't told the OP. How do you know the ex hasn't prevented access or didn't even tell him she was pregnant until the CSA came after him and now he doesn't know how to tell OP?[/quote]
How easy would you find it to conceal the fact that you had a child from your partner of 4 years?

If he was regularly visiting his child, do you not think OP might have noticed his frequent absences?

How do you know the ex hasn't prevented access or didn't even tell him she was pregnant until the CSA came after him and now he doesn't know how to tell OP?

In the vanishingly unlikely event that it panned out like your scenario, where child maintenance only becomes an issue 4 years after the birth, it would still be pants that he didn't tell OP about it when he got notified Why would his loving partner not be one of the first people he spoke to?
& what on earth could make PP suspicious about a man who has already bullshitted OP by pretending to be 6 years younger than he is?

He's a wrong 'un.

Marjoriedrawers · 17/09/2021 17:14

But you still don't know the circumstances so that's all just speculation. Yes it's wrong but we know nothing whatsoever about the circumstances.

Marjoriedrawers · 17/09/2021 17:17

@GreyCarpet

Well of course, because women never conceal anything or prevent access for spurious reasons.

TweetyPieBird · 17/09/2021 17:18

Claiming to be SIX YEARS younger than he actually is and hiding a DC… why would you want to stay with this liar? There’s probably more that you don’t know yet!

Viddy2021 · 17/09/2021 17:22

This is a no brainer, sorry.

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/09/2021 17:25

I'm sorry op but this bloke has chosen you for the reasons you have stated
Low self esteem and confidence and will accept anything thrown at you because you don't believe you deserve anything more ...he saw you coming

The good news is you've seen the car crash coming and have the chance to swerve out of the way, then go see someone for the self loathing because I bet your fab

ChargingBuck · 17/09/2021 17:28

@Marjoriedrawers

But you still don't know the circumstances so that's all just speculation. Yes it's wrong but we know nothing whatsoever about the circumstances.

It will remain speculation until OP does the obvious thing & talks to her b/f about it.

The fact that she feels so unable to talk frankly with him that she needed to post here for advice says a lot about the quality of the relationship. If you saw such a letter, & had confidence that your b/f of 4 years was one of the good guys, you'd just immediately talk it over with him, wouldn't you? Want to understand what happened & support him.

But OP feels unable to do that - she's already been lied to about his age, & her gut is screaming at her that he has lied about the child too.
Hence she is using phrases like "tackling him" & "don't want to ruin it" & even considered not raising the issue at all.
Those are not feelings women have about good men who they trust.

NotaCoolMum · 18/09/2021 10:08

You definitely don’t “need to talk to him” about these things- you NEED TO LEAVE ASAP!

Freeloadingtosser · 18/09/2021 10:19

OP, he has lied both by commission and omission. About hugely significant things. In a 4 year relationship it is a huge act of deceit and dishonesty to pretend a child does not exist.

Also there is presumably a reason he lied about his age, and sustained this for years. Are you much younger and wouldn't have normally considered a man his age? In that case, he has manipulated you and circumvented your boundaries.

In my view, this isn't something to come back from. It's not a couple of little porkies to impress you, it shows a seriously deviant relationship with the truth and integrity that will arise again.

I wouldn't bother asking the truth about his son. You'll get string after string of lies.

You mention how you feel you won't meet another loving partner. Please understand this is not a problem with your looks, shyness, or other characteristics. It is due to lack of confidence that you feel this way. This self esteem issue is one that can be addressed, maybe with the help of some therapy. Please don't feel that the best partner you can hope to find is this man, or that he is preferable to being alone. He isn't.

Sakurami · 18/09/2021 10:25

Woah. How can someone be in a relationship with someone for 4 years and not mention the most important thing about him????

JovialNickname · 18/09/2021 12:35

Just going back to the age thing for a bit... so you've celebrated 4 birthdays with him, bought him a card with "happy 30th" or whatever on it, watched him blow out 30 candles (or whatever) joked about how does it feel to be 30 instead of 29 etc and he just laughed along with this? No guilt, no awkwardness, no feeling bad for deceiving you? Just laughing along with the fact you believe his lies? That's just awful.