Leaving an alcoholic partner

[UnappreciatedAndHadEnough]

Account created after a long hiatus as I need the support of the hive mind. I have 2 young boys 2.9 and 0.7. He has an older son 8.0.
He is a very high functioning alcoholic and not at all what people normally picture. Runs his own business and doesn’t drink all day. Can manage some days without a drink.
But here is where the problems start. He likes to go to the pub every day after work for 2-4 pints. Even when he has his eldest to collect. The other days he barely makes it home for the little ones bedtime. He frequently chooses pub time over family time but then makes me feel guilty if I organise something on my own and ask him to have the kids. Response to this always involve him then missing out on pub time. He can’t read a room in terms of level of alcohol consumption snd ALWAYS ends up being the drunkest which is stopping us socialising together as o find him embarrassing and easily angered when drunk.
I need to leave but this is proving impossible due to lack of alternative rental properties. I have a viewing arranged for Tuesday so 🤞 I need you guys to hold me to account though as I’ve been to this stage before 2 years ago and didn’t go thru it after viewing as it suddenly felt very real and like I was failing my family.

You are incredibly brave and strong OP. You got this 💪🏼

I left ex when ds was 2. Ex was drinking 75-90 units a week, every week. He would always be the drunkest in the room too. And when drunk, highly offensive.

I couldn't have ds growing up thinking that's ok. I didn't want ds getting in his car. I never knew if he was over the limit. He just couldn't be trusted.

You are doing the right thing. If you leave now, it will be much easier on the dcs. Be brave. x

Thankyou. The only thing keeping me in the relationship is the fact that I can’t afford rents on my own. It was in the news that prices in my area have risen by the highest % in the whole country in the last year 😬 it is gorgeous and pretty and I really don’t want to live in or on the edge of a town. No judgment for those who do but I hated it when I had for a year.
It’s not just the alcohol it’s his attitude and quickness to anger and grumpy persona. He has form for not helping me when I most need it and I can’t forgive him for that. 8yo has SEN and this definitely adds to the stressful dynamic when he won’t/can’t conform or behave in an acceptable manner.

Well done @Mintjulia I also do not want my sons growing up thinking this is how men should behave. I think he drinks around 70 units a week. I cannot have him being able to collect my children after work as I know he’ll go to the pub first. He already does with his eldest but that is a whole other thread!

I also dont want my sons to grow up thinking this is how men should behave

Bit late to worry about that now. You've given them the gift of an alcoholic father and the fall out for them is going to be massive. The only thing you can do to protect them now is to get out. Even if where you end up isnt so gorgeous and pretty.

@Porcupineintherough you are certainly living up to your name there! Definitely prickly!

If I had know what he was like do you think I would have had children? The nights we had his eldest he came home from work straight away, did a family day out at the weekend. Didn’t drink or smoke around the lad at all from when I met him 6 years ago. We went to the pub together to socialise and had a nice time. Able to leave after a couple and it didn’t matter if we needed a taxi. Went to gigs and parties and meals out all not a problem. Then we have a child and he still wants to be a part time dad and the drinking has increased along with the anti social behaviour. The 2nd child is a miracle baby as I was on the pill, had an excruciatingly bad back and could hardly move and only had sex once in 3 months and his alcoholism has him drinking wine at home until 3am several times a week during lockdown 1. Not planned at all but the little chap is such a delight I am pleased he is here.
There is no need to judge me for falling in hook line and sinker. What I asked for was support to get out now and not a heap of judgey pants pointing out that I have ruined the lives of my children when they have hardly begun

Handhold here. Do push on with getting out - your kids are still very young and have a whole future with you ahead. He isn't going to want 50/50 care, you will be the biggest influence in their lives.

And remember, functioning alcoholics usually become non-functioning alcoholics. You don't want to be there for that (speaking from experience).

Lastly - getting out is hard. It's tough financially. A week after my alcoholic husband was removed by the police, my washing machine died. I could have cried.

But we're here three years later, doing so much better than we would have done if we'd stayed.

"The nights we had his eldest he came home from work straight away, did a family day out at the weekend. Didn’t drink or smoke around the lad at all from when I met him 6 years ago. We went to the pub together to socialise and had a nice time. Able to leave after a couple and it didn’t matter if we needed a taxi. Went to gigs and parties and meals out all not a problem. Then we have a child and he still wants to be a part time dad and the drinking has increased along with the anti social behaviour."

Sadly, it's a familiar tale. They seem to be able to wear a mask until you've committed to them through a shared child. Then, once you're 'snared', they drop the mask and become themselves.

Thankyou both @pointythings and @WhereYouLeftIt
I am sorry to hear you had a tough time pointy things. I’m hoping my situation doesn’t escalate to that stage. Unfortunately I will be leaving with next to nothing as everything is legally his and we aren’t married. I was setting up my own business and couldn’t even borrow a fiver so all the documents for rent and finance went in his name. His name on the v5 for the 2 work vehicles and the family car. All I own is 1 wardrobe, 1 set of bunk beds, a plastic blanket box and a full length mirror. Private rent is extortionate and I won’t qualify for housing as I’ll be “intentionally homeless” so it will be tough but the end result will be a much much much nicer life

@Porcupineintherough victim blaming much!!!! It’s hardly OPs fault that their father is an alcoholic

Handhold here too. You will absolutely do right by your children if you were to leave him for good and as soon as you are able. This man was nice to you until he was not. He presented you with an act and an act at that he could not ever hope to maintain.

If you need further furniture items for your rental I would consider freecycle or charities like the Lighthouse charities trust.

I remember pointythings from previous writings (she has indeed had a tough time) and I hope you will go forward and progress as well as she has done. Your children as well as you need a life without an alcoholic in it.

It is extra hard if you aren't married. He will however have to pay maintenance for his children - that is not related to your marital status. So you need to get on to the CMS as soon as you can. He sounds financially abusive alongside everything else.

I know you will be able to rebuild your life and make a go of it.

Thankyou all. My viewing is Tuesday for a lovely 2 bed very rural place which will suit us even if it makes the uni commute very long. It will be worth it to be happy on own. True to fo STBEx is now being lovely and even helpful! This is what make it tricky.

But you know that he is really only doing that because he now realises you are serious about leaving so you, his crutch, will be gone. He will revert to type soon enough.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat that is exactly what I need to hear xx

Sofas are often free on Facebook groups. Table chairs usually cheap on there. Washing machine and fridges often fairly cheap there too. Try British Heart Foundation shop for bedroom furniture for yourself or reconditioned white goods. You'll be ok. We're so used to the overconsumption in the UK, we forget we need very little when it comes down to it.

I’ve been in hardship before when I was 17 so know I can find all I need very easily. It’s just disappointing to have got away from that to have things I truely appreciate and then leave it all behind

You are doing the right thing. By you and your children. Don't forget that. None of this is your fault. You couldn't help who he turned in to. You can't change him. You can't control his problem. So you can only do what's right for you and your DC.

You're swapping "things" for freedom though. Freedom to arrange your life without him throwing a spanner in the works. Freedom to find a suitable partner who you enjoy spending time with. Freedom to socialize without feeling embarrassed by his behaviour. Freedom from his hungover grumpy arsed presence in the house. Your new life will be so much better because you'll be leaving your burdens behind along with your things.

Thanks for the motivation everyone. Need to keep the momentum going now. Haven’t told my mum yet but my sister knows the situation. It is partly her impending wedding that has given me an extra nudge in the right direction to get my life sorted.

It's going to be tough in so many ways but think of the peace and the calm for you and your children. That is worth all the possessions , nice houses and money in the world. You'll get through the hard part, make a new life for yourselves and you'll wonder why you didn't do it all sooner.

You are making the right choice for you and for your children. You will find it so much easier on your own.

Please do the entitledto forms online to see what you are actually entitled to though. You aren't really intentionally homeless when you are protecting your children. There are charities that can help out with furniture. Have a look at Gingerbread too, it is a website that offers advice for single parents.

Good luck, your boys have an amazing mummy.

I’m going to let this thread lie for a few days now. I will definitely be back after the house viewing on Tuesday. It is going to be a long slow process and I will need you lot to tell me I need to carry on because I know that STBEx will be nice as pie from now on! He’ll come home on time, wash up, play with the boys, pay me some attention other than asking for sex, walk the dog, suggest going for a family day out, let me go out in the evening without the kids in tow. Everything will seem rosy and I need to remember what life is really like at the moment, not the rose tinted version

Leaving is not a failure of any degree - leaving is what protects your children and yourself. Leaving is the success story.

The first reply may have been harshly expressed, but it does raise an important point: you need to stop viewing this as "breaking up" something good. Thinking like that - "I'm breaking up a good thing" or "I'm failing by leaving" - is what has kept you stuck and is making you waiver now. You do need to challenge that and keep challenging it until you change it.

You're clearly stronger than you give yourself credit for - you felt you were worthy of defending yourself when you felt you had been treated unjustly on this thread - put that to use offline to drive yourself forward.

Leaving is protective and courageous.

You mention motivation. So rather than fixating on the sense of going back to the beginning in your life, what will you be able to work towards in the future as a result of this? Finding just one small positive thing that you will be able to bring into your life and holding that in your mind (against the losses you're focused on now) will feed your hope.

You can remind yourself by writing it down. Write down what life is normally like and all your reasons for leaving.

I get the sense that you feel a bit helpless and that you don't have much control over what you do in response to his manipulation - almost like you're surrendering yourself to give in - but you absolutely have the power to take charge of things.

If you have the ability to save a diary safely on your phone that might be better than putting all the details on this thread, but some approach of recording things for yourself so that you're not entirely dependent on others to push you will help you find strength.

Leaving ultimately has to come from you to be successful long term, even if we encourage along the way.