Leaving an alcoholic partner

[UnappreciatedAndHadEnough]

Account created after a long hiatus as I need the support of the hive mind. I have 2 young boys 2.9 and 0.7. He has an older son 8.0.
He is a very high functioning alcoholic and not at all what people normally picture. Runs his own business and doesn’t drink all day. Can manage some days without a drink.
But here is where the problems start. He likes to go to the pub every day after work for 2-4 pints. Even when he has his eldest to collect. The other days he barely makes it home for the little ones bedtime. He frequently chooses pub time over family time but then makes me feel guilty if I organise something on my own and ask him to have the kids. Response to this always involve him then missing out on pub time. He can’t read a room in terms of level of alcohol consumption snd ALWAYS ends up being the drunkest which is stopping us socialising together as o find him embarrassing and easily angered when drunk.
I need to leave but this is proving impossible due to lack of alternative rental properties. I have a viewing arranged for Tuesday so 🤞 I need you guys to hold me to account though as I’ve been to this stage before 2 years ago and didn’t go thru it after viewing as it suddenly felt very real and like I was failing my family.

Giving yourself processing time is very wise. We on this thread will be here when you need us. You have a wealth of experience and support to draw on from people who have been exactly where you are.

You need to keep the detachment you've got now. You know the score you've been through it before. He's playing a game and you're watching him act out his moves, you've listed them all. Remind yourself of that whenever you get the feelz, you're falling in love with a character. It's not real. He's acting and he can't sustain it forever.

So I tried to talk to my mum tonight. It did not go well. She spent 1/2 hour trying to convince me to stay unless we are “throwing things”. She says she knows how hard it is for the kids whose parents split up (she was a secondary teacher for 20years) and it’s most important we are all under one roof. It will be no good for the boys if we have to “pass them around from pillar to post” and what about Christmas and birthdays and holidays. It’s much harder being a single parent, it won’t be as hard as now with a baby and toddler. They’ll be grown up soon and then what?

Grr I’m so frustrated right now. Doubly sucks as I was going to have to ask mum to be my guarantor for the rent as I’m a student and so need one.

Your Mum is wrong. Life is much harder for kids growing up in unhappy households than with a single loving parent.

@Bagamoyo1 that’s what I thought. It was blindingly obvious my mum and stepdad stayed together for my sister and the really nice house. They are still together now but have completely separate lives. They used to row a lot and it was awful growing up.
We don’t row so much so long as I remain detached enough to not really care wgg he at ge is up to either at home or at work.

Your mum is absolutely wrong. Children need to grow up in happy relaxed households. That's far more important. Sounds like she's putting finances and what the neighbours think before the happiness of her daughter and grandchildren.

I left my alcoholic partner when my children were around a year or so old. Honestly the best thing I have done. It's been 4 years now and we actually have a good relationship now as friends and he hasn't drunk for 7 months. It had to come from him really. No chance of us getting back together but the fact is we are no longer exposed to his drunkenness and in my situation, abuse. I'm just posting to say you are doing the right thing putting your family first. I'm so much happier without that drama.

I am still going to the viewing on Tuesday. The property is probably a bit too isolated but I would rather that than be in a town/city. And I’ve found an internet service called guarantid if mum won’t be my guarantor. Need to keep the momentum.

Your mum is projecting. She stayed in an unhappy marriage, therefore so should you. It's nonsense, but you can't change it. Don't listen. I hope she doesn't refuse to be your guarantor, that would be low.

My mum projected too - she was incredibly enmeshed with my dad for lots of very valid reasons and when he died, she truly fell apart. When she heard we were divorcing, she said 'how will you live without him?' The answer was: very easily.

Definitely doing the right thing, I’ve been away at mums since yesterday evening. He went out last night as is usual and fine. He hasn’t spoken since he rang to tell me he was eating breakfast and is now back in the pub. What’s the point in me going home? He’ll be drunk and useless by the time I get there after being in the pub for 5 hours

Can I have some advice on today’s drama please? House viewing is loosely booked for 10:30 but they are doing sort of open house from 9:30 to 11:30 due to location and access issues. Partner announced last night that if I’m off uni this morning and he’s got chance of a late start due to completing his work yesterday (self employed and Tuesday AM is dedicated as catch up time) why don’t we take the boys to the park together? Argh. He absolutely NEVER suggests doing anything during the week EVER. Why would he pick this morning to want to go out. Now I look shifty for saying no but can’t really say well why don’t you take the boys as he will only mean for a couple of hours and I would be out until 11:30 at the earliest. Any ideas? At the minute I’m just going about my normal morning and hoping he forgets last nights idea

Go to the viewing. Do what’s right for you

I know I need to go to the viewing. It’s more of a logistical challenge is he doesn’t go to work. Then I’ll be asked where I’m going and need to come up with a good reason to be going out when I am supposed to be studying from home doing self directed or online induction week

You don't need a good reason, do you? How you manage your time is none of his business. You need to go out, that's all he needs to know.

You are doing so well!

I am reading your post so I feel a bit less alone in my own struggle. Have just spoken to my children's school about my own husband.

@beelzebop if you start your own thread here and set out your situation, you will get the support you deserve. It's incredibly hard separating if you have DC, worse if there is an addiction involved, but getting out is so important.

I still remember how it felt to have to tell the school that they were no longer to use my husband as an emergency contact even though he was still living with us at that point. I told them I would welcome social services intervention if they considered it necessary because he was not to be relied upon as a parent. Admitting that is so difficult. Good luck. I hope in time you will make your own escape.

Well done to @pointythings and @Beelzebop it’s really tough. Viewed 2 properties today. The first was perfect but there were lots and lots of people viewing and more booked for Friday so I really just need to wait and see on that one. The 2nd was lovely on paper but in reality attached to a farm with an on-site, nosey landlord and possibly up for sale soon. And they won’t take my dog. Not got anymore hooked until next Thursday but I’ll be keeping an eye on right move. STBEx is still being lovely now I’ve stopped caring he’s in the pub until 6:30 everyday. He’s making an effort with the boys so I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and hide my time. Hopefully I’ll be all ready to go when he next lapses.

@UnappreciatedAndHadEnough I hope you found a way to go to the viewing. If not, let it go. There will be other properties. You will get somewhere x
Do you think he found out that you were going somehow?
I've been there too I'm a little down the road now and life is a world apart from what it was when I was trapped with an alcoholic. I hope you are OK

Oh sorry cross post!

Glad to hear you were able to see some properties. Fingers crossed for you.

Take your time and find the right place - you need to be able to settle down and recover. Your head is firmly screwed on and you can do this.

Thank you @pointythings

Glad you got to see some places, thank you for the encouragement.