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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling like a bad partner but I can't change!

44 replies

KevinTheKoala · 16/09/2021 10:32

I have another post on the sex board sorry, I didn't know where I should put this. My partner of 9 years has been asking me to perform sex acts on him that I am not comfortable with, I have done them because he wanted me to try despite my reservations but now he's saying that I am not 'into it' enough and need to do more and that I am not listening to him, I don't care about him and I'm selfish. He doesn't stop talking about it, and he says that he's spoken to his friends who agree that they would do things for their partners and he would do anything I wanted him to do and so I am the selfish one who needs to try harder. I tried to explain that Im not comfortable and I don't want to do these things and he gets really angry telling me that I'm just not trying hard enough. He says that because I have agreed to do these things already I can't now change my mind.

It doesn't help that our sex life in general is pretty rubbish at the moment, I am on antidepressants and have no sex drive and even if I did I have been bleeding constantly for 4 weeks now thanks to my contraceptive so everything is based around him - which admittedly isn't his fault and it probably is very selfish of me that I don't initiate sex more often. He says that he's just trying to help me by putting pressure on me because I need to get out of my comfort zone, that it will help with my depression and uses non-sex related examples of this but I feel like sex is different, and that I should be comfortable!

I'm pretty sure if I don't do these things then he will find someone else who will, he says that he won't but certain comments he makes say otherwise. And the fact that he has said that he has mental health issues as well and this will help him, but because I won't do them I'm making him worse. It hasn't always been like this, it's got worse over the last couple of years and now it feels like it's all he ever wants to talk about. I ended up breaking down in tears last night saying that I didn't want to do something and he's said that going to give me a break today so I think he feels bad about it but I know it will start all over again. I know I'm dissapointing him, I know that I'm fairly boring compared to other people but I really don't know how to change.

OP posts:

clouds87 · 16/09/2021 10:36

This is awful but when you said he has spoken to his friends about it - whether true or not - you need to finish things. Do not by guilted back. Let him crack in and find someone else who would be happy with it, the longer you stay with him the harder it will get x

romdowa · 16/09/2021 10:40

He is a pig and so are his friends , pressuring someone to preform sex acts that they are not comfortable is not OK. You do not have to do anything that you don't want to.

girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 10:42

You absolutely don't need to get out of your comfort zone.
Sex is the one time you should stay well within the parameters of your comfort zone.

I'd leave him for sexual coercion and for discussing your sex life with his friends. He's disgusting.

EarthSight · 16/09/2021 10:43

It's one thing to complain that your needs are not being met, but there are worrying things here -

And the fact that he has said that he has mental health issues as well and this will help him, but because I won't do them I'm making him worse

This is pretty much emotional blackmail. There is a limit to what one can expect from sex. The other person has boundaries and limits too. It's should not be up to you to provide everything your partner wants, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You should not feel like a masturbatory tool or an actress, which to be honest, what this sounds like.

He's talking to a number of other people about his sex life with you. Wtf is that??? Why is he going round multiple people talking like that??

Ignore his friends. They are likely to be like him. Doesn't mean they're right. Fucked up people can often find other fucked up friends.

You can change your mind AT ANY TIME. People change. It's inconvenient or upsetting for people, but it's what happens in life.

He says that he's just trying to help me by putting pressure on me because I need to get out of my comfort zone

I don't think this relationship is good for you. Comfort zone to me sounds like he is pressuring you into BDSM activities, or he wants to dress up in outfits that you really don't like.

Stop caring if you're boring. Those are his sex standards, not yours, and it doesn't mean they are superior. I wouldn't be surprised if he's contributing to your depression.

GreyCarpet · 16/09/2021 10:44

I'm pretty sure if I don't do these things then he will find someone else who will

Let him then.

He sounds awful and I wouldn't be putting up with this.

Tee20x · 16/09/2021 10:55

Definitely leave him. This is coercion. Also why is he talking to his friends about your sex life, is he 16 years old.

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 16/09/2021 11:04

He didn't tell me that he was planning on talking to his friends about our sex life until after he'd done it and came home and basically said 'I thought maybe I was being unfair but actually *Emily (not real name) said that she'd happily do things for her partner and so it's not just me. Your the problem'. I am really embarrassed about it.

OP posts:

SantanaBinLorry · 16/09/2021 11:12

Grim. Get rid.

EKGEMS · 16/09/2021 11:13

Oh @KevinTheKoala you are being coerced and manipulated by your husband. He is treating you horribly. You shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed-it's him who oughta be! I don't know if you realize he's behaving like an entitled sob. Who cares what Jenny down the block does?! Tell him "Well Jenny's husband doesn't treat her like shit and manipulate and coerce her!" Just give a thought to whether you wish to continue your relationship.

CorrBlimeyGG · 16/09/2021 11:15

I don't think he's spoken to his mates at all, it's the "everyone else is doing it so why can't I?" line that stops being appropriate when you're twelve.

You're being coerced into doing things you don't want to do. That's abusive. Do you have somewhere safe you can stay?

NoNoThankYou · 16/09/2021 11:18

This is sexual coercion, which is a cigarette paper away from sexual assault.

By e sounds of it, he basically doesn't care about your actual, enthusiastic consent - he just wants you to fake it well enough for him to enjoy himself. In my book that makes him what we used to call 'rapey', creepy and vile.

Don't be fooled into thinking that everyone is busy having lots of varied, adventurous sex. There's been such a huge push against "kink-shaming" and subtle shaming of "vanilla" tastes in the past years that you'd be forgiven for thinking that everyone's busy having anal sex and being spanked, but it's still not the norm.

Some people genuinely enjoy these and unusual things in bed and, with enthusiastic consenting adults, that's great - crack on. But unfortunately a lot of people have also been guilted and shamed into doing things they don't really want to do because they think they should, out it's normal, in order to please their partner or avoid being seen as a prude.

In a normal, healthy relationship, if one partner isn't into a particular sexual practice (however 'normal'!), the other takes it with good grace or decides that it's a deal-breaker for them and walks away because they want to do that thing but not at the expense of forcing someone unwilling to join them.

He may not see himself as doing anything wrong if this is the sort of behaviour that's been modelled for him but he absolutely is - it's very, very wrong.

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2021 11:20

There is absolutely nothing you're doing wrong. The only help you need is getting this sexually abusive bullying disrespectful cunt out of your life.

What's your housing situation, joint names/yours only?

Notaroadrunner · 16/09/2021 11:25

Disgusting pig. You need to maintain your respect for yourself, as he certainly has none for you. There is no resolution to this. He is abusing you and you need to dump him.

babouchette · 16/09/2021 11:25

Oh my god, sometimes I think i can't be shocked any more by the men I read about on mumsnet, and then you see things like this.

He is absolutely revolting and an entitled prick. No one is "entitled" to any particular sex acts and putting pressure on you (and discussing it with third parties!) is completely unacceptable.

Leave, leave, leave. Think what a relief it'll be not to have to have these conversations any more.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 16/09/2021 11:32

It's really important for your physical and mental wellbeing that you finish with this abusive man today.

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 16/09/2021 11:43

I don't have anywhere to go, we rent and while my name is on the tenancy as well I only work 20 hours a week (average) in a minimum wage job, I can't afford rent and I can't afford childcare to work more hours either.

OP posts:

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 16/09/2021 11:50

Please leave. He clearly has no respect for you. He'll make you feel bad in so many ways and it will grind you down to nothing with that attitude. No one has a right to pressure anyone else into a sexual act. And it really doesn't matter if "everyone else does it". Sex is so varied that many people do/don't do things that others dont/do. For me it's about mutual pleasure, I'm not going to do something that I find unpleasant and don't enjoy myself. You are not a masturbation aid for your partner. They should care about how you feel. Sharing intimate details without your permission is also a breach of trust. It sounds like you'd be so much better off without him.

HeartvsBrain · 16/09/2021 11:57

Oh no, I am so very sorry that he is putting you through this OP. I did have to check half way through your post that you said 9 years, as I thought it must be 9 weeks and his true colours were coming out. You intimate that it has started getting worse in the last couple of years, if that is right did anything particularly change two years ago, like he changed jobs and got new workmates? But whyever this change has happened, whether it is because he started watching porn, or got new "friends", doesn't really matter, as his behaviour is just so wrong.

Do you think that you (still?) "love" him? Do you have any children either together or seperately, and if so do they live with you? Even if you don't love him (anymore) and it must be very difficuly to love such a disgusting person, do you need him, or at least think that you need him? I should think that many of us who have been in a long term relationship think we need the other person, either because of roofs over our heads and the sharef finances, or mentally because after being part of a couple for so long, it is very difficult to imagine being single again, and when we do think about it, we probably think I don't want to watch great (or even terrible) films on my own, I don't want to have no-one to snuggle in to in bed (even if without sex coming into the equation), I have no-one to share the shopping and cooking with, and of course the big one - if relevant - I won't be able to cope as a single parent. Those are just a few of the things that we think we will miss if we leave a relationship, or if we think we can't can't manage on our own. So if you are no longer in love with him - and that really is only for you to decide - or if you realise that you do need out of this relationship, then please listen to the excellent advice that I am sure others will give you. Please believe that you can and will survive the end of this relationship, however you are feeling right now, if that is what you decide to do. Not only would you survive your freedom from him, but I can almost promise you that you would love love the freedom and thrive on it.

Please put yourself first OP, especially as that is what your partner is doing for himself. Oh, and I find it hard to believe that he actually asked his friends about it, ask him for their names, I bet he won't give them.
I do hope that you have some RL support too 💐

DressBitch · 16/09/2021 12:01

Oh love, Emily said nothing of the sort. He's manipulating you.

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2021 12:05

Is his name on the tenancy too? If you were a single parent you'd get tax credits, i bet you'd have enough to live on. If you asked him to leave would he go?

Mabelface · 16/09/2021 12:13

Every time he coerces you into doing something you don't want to, he's sexually assaulting you as you're not giving enthusiastic consent.

blairresignationjam · 16/09/2021 12:14

The title you chose for your post breaks my heart . You have nothing to feel sorry for and you do not need to change.
He is shitty. Trying to normalise whatever the act is is a common tactic in sexual coercion.
Do you have any family close by?
Can you check your entitlements/ UC eligibility if you were to be on a single income?
turn2us
Can you starting squirreling away any small amounts to help get you started?

Wnikat · 16/09/2021 12:15

He is sexually abusive. Please get out. He sounds really nasty.

ravenmum · 16/09/2021 12:15

He is being selfish, he doesn't care about your mental health, he is not listening to you, he does not care about you, he is a huge disappointment as a partner, he is boring as hell coming up with the same old crap spouted by manipulators.
He's turning the situation round because he knows you are trying to be nice and will thus feel guilty if you are accused of these things. He feels no guilt or shame at all.

If Emily said anything at all about this, it will likely be that she sometimes does something her partner likes even though she doesn't find it much of a turn-on. Not that she does something she hates because her partner bullies her into doing it.
If Emily really is doing something she hates because she has a nasty partner too, that doesn't make it OK.

Branleuse · 16/09/2021 12:19

Men often think it will be easy to find another partner to do all the sex things, but usually they end up sad and alone because they dont even care about whether their woman is happy doing it which noone puts up with for long.

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