feeling like a bad partner but I can't change!

[KevinTheKoala]

I have another post on the sex board sorry, I didn't know where I should put this. My partner of 9 years has been asking me to perform sex acts on him that I am not comfortable with, I have done them because he wanted me to try despite my reservations but now he's saying that I am not 'into it' enough and need to do more and that I am not listening to him, I don't care about him and I'm selfish. He doesn't stop talking about it, and he says that he's spoken to his friends who agree that they would do things for their partners and he would do anything I wanted him to do and so I am the selfish one who needs to try harder. I tried to explain that Im not comfortable and I don't want to do these things and he gets really angry telling me that I'm just not trying hard enough. He says that because I have agreed to do these things already I can't now change my mind.

It doesn't help that our sex life in general is pretty rubbish at the moment, I am on antidepressants and have no sex drive and even if I did I have been bleeding constantly for 4 weeks now thanks to my contraceptive so everything is based around him - which admittedly isn't his fault and it probably is very selfish of me that I don't initiate sex more often. He says that he's just trying to help me by putting pressure on me because I need to get out of my comfort zone, that it will help with my depression and uses non-sex related examples of this but I feel like sex is different, and that I should be comfortable!

I'm pretty sure if I don't do these things then he will find someone else who will, he says that he won't but certain comments he makes say otherwise. And the fact that he has said that he has mental health issues as well and this will help him, but because I won't do them I'm making him worse. It hasn't always been like this, it's got worse over the last couple of years and now it feels like it's all he ever wants to talk about. I ended up breaking down in tears last night saying that I didn't want to do something and he's said that going to give me a break today so I think he feels bad about it but I know it will start all over again. I know I'm dissapointing him, I know that I'm fairly boring compared to other people but I really don't know how to change.

What a nasty man. All about him

You dont have to do anything you dint want to, and to be forced into doing something is abuse

To talk to his friends as well, revolting

Next time just tell him

1. If HE cared about you he would want you do to anything you were not comfortable with
2. If HE is not happy with you not doing what he wants you to then he can get Emily to do it
3. You can change your mind about doing anything at any time

4 if HE doesnt like it he can leave

You only have to work 16 hours to get working tax credits and there’s housing benefit as well. Check what you are entitled to, you may well be able to manage without this sex pest. And I bet your depression would get a whole lot better. I wouldn’t put up with that kind of behaviour. Good luck to you 💐

He says that he's just trying to help me by putting pressure on me because I need to get out of my comfort zone

Fucking hell OP. 'Get out of your comfort zone - he means bulldoze through your boundaries. What a prize cunt you've landed. Hold him up like a fish and take a photo then let him go.

If Emily actually said this (doubtful) then maybe her partner is considerate and respectful of her own needs and wishes so she enjoys doing things for him? Why don't you say this to him? Me, I'd split up, once a pig always a pig.

He hasnt spoken to any friend. He be told he was out of order otherwise. Asking your partner to do sex acts they know they're not comfortable with and laying on pressure is bad.

Tell him you don't give a toss who he talks to, you're not doing it anymore and he's not to ask. Then focus on finding out how to ditch the twat.

This man sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. It's bloody creepy, NOT normal, and it comes across as if he is a whisper away from sexual assault. Please seriously consider your future before he oversteps.

It feels unmanageable, because you are trying to imagine the exact same life, but without him
This would be a new life, a new start.

you said he'll do thinks for you if you ask him? Ask him to stop with the stuff that makes you uncomfortable. If he doesn't then you need to walk away. He cannot treat you like this and you cannot let him away with it.

He's abusive and trying to coerce you into something you're uncomfortable with. Thats not on. You deserve better.

*things

I don't know how rental agreements work, but you need to be off yours or get him off it. Does your local council have a domestic violence unit? Are you willing to talk to the police about getting him out? You are probably entitled to benefits. In effect, this man is raping you. Regularly. Coercion, not choice. You will feel like a non-person, if you don't already. You've shared here, that's a good first step. What's next? That doesn't involve you providing sexual services to that horrible man?

He is the selfish one. Let him find someone else , you will be well rid of this abusive idiot.

Please ditch this man op. As soon as you can

He lied about Emily. She said no such thing. And even if she did, so what? You don't have to like what Emily likes. We're all different and entitled to say No to things we don't want to do. And that is especially the case when it comes to sex.

It has nothing to do with his mental health. Noone's MH ever got better because of a sex act. And even if it did for some weird reason help his MH, why would that be OK if it ruined yours?

Why does he think his MH is more important than yours?
Why does he think he can force you to do things you don't want to do in bed?
Why does he not care about you and your feelings?
Why does he think you are a plaything there to fulfil his every sexual need, with no regard for what you want?
Why is he talking to his friends about this? (although as I said above I really don't think he is. I think he made that up to make you feel in the wrong).
How could he possibly enjoy sex that you were clearly not enjoying?

You know what that makes him don't you?

You deserve better than this unfeeling monster. Please get rid.

Have you checked out what you would be entitled to as a single parent from UC? www.entitledto.co.uk/

He would also be expected to pay child support if you were the Resident Parent.

Don't stay in a relationship where you are coerced into sex acts you don't want.

Is it rimming? Tell him "I wash your skidmarks, there's no way I'm continuing to put my tongue in there after seeing how incapable you are of wiping your arse"

In all seriousness. What positives does this man bring to your life?

I love the advice on this thread. Forcing you to do stuff you don't want to do is rapey, OP.

Sorry op but this isn't normal loving partner behaviour its more like rape and grounds for ending the relationship. It isn't healthy at all.

It’s really uncomfortable reading your opening post, OP. His behaviour is horrible and it’s worrying that you can’t see it for what it is - abusive, controlling, coercive and just really, really not how you treat someone you love.

Urgh he sounds like a complete pig who is being unduly influenced by porn - bet it is one of the following - rimming, anal, spitting/ejaculating on face and strangling.

Does he care about your pleasure? Is he a helpful partner? Sounds like of you have to stay with him you need to establish some strong boundaries.

Why is your focus on giving (or failure to give him) what he wants? Your focus needs to be on what you want. With the right partner, your needs and wants will mostly be met instinctively, because you will 'fit together' (ie 'be compatible') Nobody will have to do things that make them feel uncomfortable in order that the other's needs are met.

If you're too stuck in the situation to see it clearly, back away and think in more general terms:

What do you want from a relationship? Are you getting this in your current relationship? Are your wants and needs respected? Do you feel emotionally safe? Does your partner listen to and respond thoughtfully when you share your feelings?

If you have a single 'no' in those answers, then this isn't a problem with your sex life; it's an over-arching problem that your partner has no respect for you, and if that's the situation, you need to leave.

There's nothing complicated about this, and the only thing that muddies the waters is that when you think 'I don't like this', another part of you thinks 'Maybe I am wrong not to like it though?'

Your feelings are never wrong. If you don't like something, you don't like it, and you can't make yourself like it any more than you can make yourself like eating dandelions. What would you think if somebody got furious with you because you wouldn't eat a bag of dandelions, even though they really wanted you to? You'd think they were a horrible person, and mean, and a bloody idiot, right? You wouldn't think 'Oh, he says Geraldine ate a bag of them yesterday, so I should at least try...' would you?