Anyone Live Apart but are together a long time .

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I am in this situation for the last year and it suits well. We live 40 minutes apart, both work full time mon-fri and have kids .
We met before lockdown so spent the majority of our free time together just cooking, walking and watching films. It was bliss even if it wasn't real life per se.
Our free weekends are the same so we plan for eow to spend together but see each other for a day or overnight in the alternate week .
We catch up with family and friends together and separate during our time together for short periods eg if there is a celebration or event which is perfect .
We have separate social events too which we try to schedule outside of our time together .
Is this sustainable ?
For those in an LAT relation ship or who have friends or family with these type of relationships, what are your experiences or observations ? Can it last ? I don't want him moving in while my kids are young... threeteens but we are looking at another 7 years before they have all flown the nest to Uni. We holiday together , speak every night on the phone , text throughout day and prioritise each other . We are very much compatible and in love but does it get stale or can it develop? Thanks

Anyone please?

Very, very similar situation for me. I think you have a really great arrangement that works and you're both happy with. I can't see a reason why it can't continue like this. Unless something changes. Are you happy to continue? Do you see and plan for you both to live together in your house? You mention holidaying together - for how long at a time is that? spending a day or an overnight alternate weeks seems a bit sparse to me in the context of getting to know how someone is and how they really live on a day to day basis. It's still like a perpetual holiday situation. You haven't have enough time in each other's company to find out what irritates each other haha. I think only when you are actually together more that you can decide if you're really compatible in my humble opinion.

Wow OP I could’ve written your post. Together nearly 2 years & we have the exact same set-up & same reasons for not moving in together yet. We also don’t have definite plans to ever live together once kids have left (I’d probably like to, and it’d make financial sense, but we might both be set in our domestic ways by then).
It works perfectly for us.
We get child-free time together, time with just our respective set of kids, can parent in our own way, don’t have any domestic disputes, have our own front-doors & autonomy, but are very much a couple and attend events together and are close to each others families. It’s absolutely win-win amd we foresee another decade of this until my youngest has flown the nest.

Many of my married friends envy what I have, as they get no child-free time with their husbands, get sick of them not pulling their weight or sharing emotional load with the kids, and end up arguing. We have none of those probs & can keep our relationships fresh & protected from those external pressures.

Enjoy!

Thanks for responding.
We have holidayed for two one week holidays and then long weekends.
We are both tired midweek with various commitments so the thoughts of travelling after a long working day doesn't excite either of us , especially when I'm busy with kids.
Shamefully, I am comparing myself to more conventional relationships which is silly.
I expect that in time we will spend more time with each other in the company of our kids on our alternate weekends ie all spend a day and overnight together.
Selfishly I love our child free time together . No stress or worries. A complete and much needed break.
I've no intention of blending families . I like my own home with my own kids but our relationship is the cherry on top

I’ve been with my partner a year. We text throughout the day, spend Saturdays together, usually see each other once or twice in the week, we holiday together and are invited out and seen as a couple e.g currently planning Xmas.

We don’t live together. He lives alone and has his daughter over sometimes, I live with my kids. No plans to change that whilst any of the kids are school age. Kids all like each other, mind like him a lot, I like his daughter, but no plans to blend at all.

Together 15 years. He's in Scotland I'm
Yorkshire. Fed up of it now to be honest.

Been with my DP for 4.5 years - I have 3 adult children he has none. We live 30 miles apart. Until he became ill (mental breakdown) we split our time across each others houses pretty much 60% mine, 40% his (my house and garden are nicer ) . Neither of us want to live together or share finances. Its working for now. Not sure we will be getting old together (I'm 52 hes 51) but its working OK for now.

My advice is don't overthink things - let it flow.

I did 9 years long distance in the end it didn’t work I cdnt live there North East and he wdnt live here Glos first 7 years were great then it got stale. I think it needed to be moving forward but his business was there and my life was here

I think long-distance is often quite different from mine & the OP’s situation. I live v nearby my partner so we spend a lot of time together (every other week we spend Fri-Tues together) plus every Monday/Tuesday eve. We also pop round sometimes for a quick coffee on weekends when we’re not together and/or pop round to borrow things (a hammer, some cornflour etc) in between times.
We’re effectively living together but have separate bedrooms and spend a few nights apart each week (like many living-together couples do). Every other weekend we get 5 days of childfree time together which we split between houses in a natural way (we tend to spend one night here, the next night there etc or just whatever we fancy that day). He’s got a comfier sofa than me but I’ve got a comfier bed! 😆.

We also text throughout the day, and much of the evenings that we’re not together. We take all holidays together (week-long and frequent mini-breaks) just the two of us, & attend weddings, birthdays etc as a couple. We also buy Christmas & birthday presents for each others kids. To our kids, we’re not “step-parents” but are kind of family friends.
We do our food shopping together, share garden tools, moisturiser ( 😂), even share clothes and running kit quite often.

We’re just as much a “normal” couple as married couples, just with our own space when we want it. It’s literally perfect for us.

All my relationships are like this. Perfect!! LAT is the best way IMO.

@operationsbacktoback I haven’t done this personally but know of 3 couples who have. All 3 relationships eventually fizzled out as although it was a novelty for a while, there was nothing holding them together and they didn’t build a life together. Not saying that’s the case for everyone but all 3 of these friends said they would never do it again. I also think you don’t really know someone until you live with them.

I have a few friends that are in LATs, one has been for over 10 years. They are married with two children. Her DH comes to stay with her and kids Fri -Mon then back to his home the rest of the week. They are very very happy. No one treats them no less than couples that live together. They make joint decisions and travel together.

I dated someone for two years who lived 45mins away. We say each other Sat - Sun and would meet up for lunch or dinner mid week. We chatted every day as well. I never felt like we weren't a real couple. I never got irritated by him, or bored, because we were in each other's space every day. We got invited to weddings, and did holidays together, it was really ideal. Then he moved in with me... and that ended everything. lol We were just better apart. And i'm not one that needs to have someone around all the time, I like my space.

I know a couple that live together every day and they hate each other, they probably would've done much better together if they didn't see each other every day.

So only society has conditioned us into thinking you "must" live together for your relationship to be "real".

I have been with DP for 8 years and he lives just under an hour away.

We are very happy. It has turned out great - especially for the children. We have 4 between us, youngest 2 are now both 16, eldest have gone off to uni. He is a FT dad too and it was just never going to be the right thing to move the kids about. I'm glad we didn't - we still have a great relationship and all the kids have thrived and not been impacted by a big move / living with a step parent.

We are planning on buying somewhere together in 2 years when the now 16 year olds have gone to uni.

It works for us / and me.

I have this set up too. Been with dp 2 years. He lived an hour away until recently and we would see each other EOW when I didn't have my kids and a night in the week. I am the only one with a car though and he wanted to see me more so he moved to my town and we now live a 20 min walk/2 min drive away from each other.

He lived with me and my teen dc for an interim period while he was waiting to move into his house and it was ok, we didn't kill each other but I was glad to get our space back when he left.

We can now see each other more often and for shorter amounts of time if we want but no plans to live together, certainly while my dc are at home.

I also have a freind who doesn't have children and neither does her dp (and won't be having any) and they have lived apart since they met around 5/6 years ago with no plans to live together. They both like their own space and have jobs where they live (40 mins apart) and don't feel the need to live together but are very much a couple and a partnership.

Don't worry about what other people do. If your situation works for you both and your kids then surely that's what matters.

I have this too. It’s brilliant! I never want to live with someone full time again! We live 40 minutes apart. I go to his Wed and Thu when the kids are at their dad’s, he comes to mine Fri and Sat - leaves on Sunday afternoon and repeat. It’s perfect. We go on holiday together alone and with the kids, spend Christmas and birthdays together and both have demanding jobs. That bit of space enables us to get our lives straightened out before meeting up again.

I've been in a relationship like this for a couple of years. We're both single parents and my partner lives 10 minutes away. We see each other when we can, which is basically every other weekend. At the moment it works for us.

With 5 kids between us (all age 8 to 13) a blended family just wouldn't work - it'd be total chaos. Neither of us wants to relocate despite only being 10 minutes drive apart, mainly because kids are settled at their schools and we don't want to change them. Also, our housing situation makes it impossible - obviously neither of us has a house big enough for 5 kids, but my partner rents (social housing), and I have a mortgage. I/we couldn't afford to buy a big enough house together, and my partner doesn't want to give up the cheap rent of their social housing.

On top of that we're both quite independent and like out own space, especially after both getting burned by previous relationships.

There are some downsides though. I do find it quite hard that we don't see each other for two weeks at a time. Evenings are the worst, it's so frustrating knowing that you have someone who's relatively nearby, but also out of reach.

I think it's important to have an 'endgame' - something to work towards where we will be together. It'll probably be 10 years before we are in a position to live together - kids are grown up. Now I've no problem with waiting for that, but I need to know that it's on the horizon. Except we've not discussed it seriously yet - planning that far ahead seems like obscene amount of commitment (neither of us has had a relationship last that long in total, nevermind before living with someone). So I do have a bit of an insecurity thing in that I'm worried about investing the next 10 years (my 40's) with someone who might just want to carry on living apart forever.

When I explained our relationship to a friend she was flabbergasted at the idea of being in long term relationship without living together: "Are you really prepared to wait that long to be properly together with someone??" Her attitude threw me a bit, but clearly this arrangement isn't for everyone.

Hi OP, another LAT-er here. Like @MuckyPlucky I'm in a v similar situation - almost 3 years together now, one hr apart, 4 kids between us, see each other a couple of times a week (though this can stretch to fortnights apart when busy), we holiday together, and no possibility or desire to blend.

As PPs have said, there are a lot of upsides for the adults and kids concerned. I went through a tricky phase earlier this year where I wanted more, and seriously considered ending the relationship. It took a while to unpick the issue, but for me it was a lack of identity as a couple (i.e. not much joint socialising or involvement in each others families). I felt in the girlfriend zone and wanted to be in the partner zone. This turned out to be more lockdown-related than LAT-related, and as things are opening up and we're spending time with friends / family as a couple, I'm feeling much calmer about things.

Your set up sounds nice, and I suspect that your misgivings might come from societal norms rather than your own thoughts and feelings. Lots of people don't get this way of life (not to say they don't envy it). The Facebook group Apartners has lots of comparable stories and I find it quite inspiring to find out how other long-term LATers arrange their lives.

One of the best things for me is that we are actively choosing to be in the relationship every single day, rather than defaulting because the other person happens to live in the same house, or married us. Many of us are living proof that marriage/cohabiting does not equal lifelong commitment, so why not try another approach?

I've been with my partner 12 years and we've lived apart for 10 and a half of those years. We are both now in our early 50s, he works 200 miles away and I'm a freelancer who is currently not working much due to a serious illness. We did live together for a year in the city he works (with a flatmate) but due to financial pressures when the lease ended after 12 months I had to return to my previous city of residence.

Partner was in a lot of debt when we met (now cleared) and moving to my city would have meant a considerable pay cut that he just couldn't afford...he did take a 6 month sabbatical 3 years into our relationship to fully investigate a move to me but it just wasn't possible. I'm also bipolar, and I've found living on my own makes dealing with my mental health a lot easier. I see my partner on average twice a month, he spends all his annual leave with me and we often go on holidays abroad.

I know to lots of people our relationship isn't 'real' but the great thing about getting older is that I care less and less for what is in the end is just someone's opinion....it's not a fact.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, living about an hour away, and couldn't be happier. There's no way I'd inflict him on my kids after seeing how having a step mum has affected them, and really don't seen the need. He would like to get married but knows I'm not keen at the moment.

We really make the most of our time when we are together but then get on with our lives quite happily when we're not. If I want a sparkly ring or fancy holiday we'll just do it, I don't need to get married as an excuse.

Don't worry about what other people think, do what's working for you.

I’m married but we live apart. It’s not what most people’s idea of marriage would be and we’ve had our share of comments telling us how it’s not normal.

It was second marriage for both of us and things were difficult with his children and their animosity which we believe comes mostly from a very bitter ex wife. It was becoming more and more impossible and my health was suffering. We were always completely financially independent and we could afford for me to buy my own place.

We have never been happier, our time together is now very special we have rediscovered the love we always had. He gets to see his kids when he wants to and I don’t have to live a lie anymore. It works for everyone.

Socially we’re expected to live together but I say if it works for you sod what’s expected and what people say.

Im just over a year into this, 2 single parents with kids under 10, live 40 mins away from each other. For child reasons the reality is itll be years before we'd even have the choice of moving in, and in theory thats fine but I've found it difficult at times, we've had a few hurdles in terms of both our coparent exes and when issues arise you cant just nip round for a cuppa and have a chat. Also for about 2 months there we had conflicting childcare and then I got covid so it was a few weeks of hardly seeing one another. I find that hard myself.

Part of the issue is kids haven't met yet, so we can't (on our kid weekends) get together and go for a park wander, we've organised for the kids to meet soon, but it was put off last month due to his ex. So yeah I think we're in a sort of tricky stage really. In real terms he and I are very independant, I like my own space etc, but sometimes our situations mean we end up with very limited choice about seeing one another.

I agree with @supercali77 about not being able to nip round to sort issues out. Means that you both need to be shit hot at phone communication, or patient enough to wait for the next ftf. While I love living apart, I don't always love the distance.

My partner and I live 2 hours drive away. We only see each other at weekends. Have spent 5 whole weeks together since we became a couple 16 months ago. Desperate to be together but her dad is in a care home so she is reluctant to relocate (although says she'd have a better life if she did) and I work in an industry where jobs are few and far between. The distance is starting to get to us but we love each other very much.

My partner and I are coming upto 6 years now. We live 30 mins from each other and our arrangements are the same as yours op. My youngest has two more years before he goes to uni so we might live together then (he would love too but what man doesn’t want someone to wash their pants). However I can’t see his son ever leaving home so perhaps we won’t live together.

I know a couple who have done this for a good dozen years. He would have moved in with her but she didn't want to, so they have come to the compromise that he has now moved into a place on the next street. They seem really happy.

I've been with my bf (or man friend, we are 52/56) for almost 5 years, he lives 45 mins from me in the same town, we have a weekend night and one in the week. He has his 11yo half the time, but neither of us currently wants to live together anyway.
I think there are pros and cons to either way of living; apart or together. We both enjoy having time apart, being independent and being pleased to see one another afterwards. Over the years we've got to know and appreciate each other as in any other relationship.

You say that the arrangement suits you well - then enjoy it :) If it does last, then great. If not, then not.