I HATE MY HUSBAND!!!

[Onedayiwillleavehim]

9 years!!! 9 years of pure hell! Surely, relationships aren’t meant to be this way?! I’ve been abused, physically and mentally throughout these 9 years and I’m so fed up of it. He’s a narcissist, and although he doesn’t put his hands on me anymore he still hurts me so much mentally. Like my emotions and feelings just don’t matter. I don’t matter. He’ll use my horrible family and say I’m the one with the issues not them and soon I’ll have no kids either because of the way I am. Every time I’ve tried to leave him he’s threatened to kill me, he’ll break and smash stuff around the house. He’ll shout, scream and swear in front of the kids, walking into their rooms at 2 in the morning because he knows it makes me so upset. He’s a stone faced liar, but gets so angry if we have a discussion about something and I say that unfortunately I can’t trust what he says. I’ve stuck around for so long hoping things would change, he would change, but he just doesn’t. And I don’t love or like any part of the man he is. He repulses me! He thinks because he doesn’t hit me anymore or threaten to rape me like he used to he’s such a good man?!!!! I hate him!!! I hate him so much and wish I left him the moment he acted like a psycho!
Now my biggest issue is money and truthfully if I won the lottery TOMORROW, I would leave him. I would file for divorce and leave him in a blink of an eye no questions asked. But how can I leave a man I’m financially dependent on?! I’m so terrified of the unknown, and for me it’s like ‘better the devil you know right?’… He threatens to take the kids out of private education if I ever leave, he promises to make my life a living hell… What am I supposed to do?

OP, I think you need a hit of reality here so I’m going to give it to you, however harsh it may be.

If you stay, your children will grow to think this is an acceptable relationship and will most likely get into a relationship similar to yours, themselves. By staying, you are not keeping them safe. You are doing them more harm than good.

I was financially dependent on my ex husband when we were married but I left him and went on benefits. It wasn’t easy but I had to do it to keep me and my son safe. If anyone knows what is going on in your house, then social services WILL be called. I can guarantee that. And then you’ll have absolutely no choice but to leave because they will not deem that an appropriate setting for children.

Leave now. While you have a chance to do so.

Do you really think a private education makes up for the fact that your children are being woken up at 2am and being shouted, screamed and sworn at?

Really?

Sacrifice the private education for a safe loving home where they don’t feel scared - please

You're letting him abuse your DC. Take some responsibility here - this isn't all "happening" to you, there's a degree of you're letting it.

Sorry if that sounds awful, but you're the only one who can protect these kids.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.
He is making your life and that of your children's a living hell now.
Indeed you are the only one who can protect your children here and currently you are not effectively doing that. Your children also need a safe and secure home; they have neither currently. They do not need a private education as much as actually feeling safe and secure. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this what you want them to remember about their own childhoods; feeling terrified and seeing their mother (and in turn them) being abused?. They will be needing therapy for years as adults if you were to stay with him.

Feel the fear and do it anyway; the unknown is not as terrifying as you think (or have been conditioned by him) it is. Better to be apart also than to remain so badly accompanied as you are now.

Seek legal advice asap and get this abusive man out of your day to day lives by divorcing him. He is not above the law even though he thinks he is and you will get a settlement. He will continue to be just as abusive towards you post separation and divorce too but this does not mean to say you should not divorce him. You absolutely should.

Isn't he already making your life a living hell?! What exactly could he do?
The kids not being in private school isn't the worst thing in the world.
You need to leave, you know you do. Do that and everything else will work out.

@discombobulatedonion The kids are in a happy and good environment, it’s just when he has his outbursts once in a while, when we argue and I don’t drop it that the kids might see it and most the time I do end up dropping it because I don’t want him to get angry and witness the nastiness between the two of us. I try my hardest to shelter them because I grew up with abusive parents myself and don’t want them witnessing the same. It’s probably why I’ve stayed so long.
But It’s not as easy as just getting up, leaving and going on benefits when you have 4 kids. I own a house so I doubt I’ll be entitled to anything :( but I also haven’t worked for 8 years now and don’t have any qualifications that would get me a job that paid me enough to be able to pay a mortgage of this size. Which is why it’s not as easy as getting up and leaving. I’ve been making plans for a couple of years, small savings in other accounts, because I know I will leave him one day… it’s just a question of when

The kids are in a happy and good environment, it’s just when he has his outbursts once in a while, when we argue and I don’t drop it that the kids might see it and most the time I do end up dropping it because I don’t want him to get angry and witness the nastiness between the two of us. I try my hardest to shelter them because I grew up with abusive parents myself and don’t want them witnessing the same. It’s probably why I’ve stayed so long.

They're really not, do you want them to continue the cycle like you have because they will, they will think it is normal.

This is why it infuriates me so much that women are mostly expected and mostly willing to give up their financial independence to raise kids.

[quote Onedayiwillleavehim]@discombobulatedonion The kids are in a happy and good environment, it’s just when he has his outbursts once in a while, when we argue and I don’t drop it that the kids might see it and most the time I do end up dropping it because I don’t want him to get angry and witness the nastiness between the two of us. I try my hardest to shelter them because I grew up with abusive parents myself and don’t want them witnessing the same. It’s probably why I’ve stayed so long.
But It’s not as easy as just getting up, leaving and going on benefits when you have 4 kids. I own a house so I doubt I’ll be entitled to anything :( but I also haven’t worked for 8 years now and don’t have any qualifications that would get me a job that paid me enough to be able to pay a mortgage of this size. Which is why it’s not as easy as getting up and leaving. I’ve been making plans for a couple of years, small savings in other accounts, because I know I will leave him one day… it’s just a question of when[/quote]
@Onedayiwillleavehim

You’re correct, it isn’t as easy as that - but postponing it for longer isn’t going to make it easier either. You need to get out as soon as possible, because even if you try to stop your children from witnessing it, they’ll still know something is wrong and will still feel the effects from it.

You will be entitled to something. Benefits office won’t make you stop paying your mortgage payments. They’ll offer some form of help.

He walks into their room at 2am and you say it is a good environment.

OP he cannot be as bad as you say and your children not realise. It just simply cant be. Neither of you can hide all of this. You say you try your hardest and your probably do but you cant shelter them from it all

Record every incident you can remember and every incident from now on.

Take some advice from wimens aid, and Rights of Women.

See if they think he'll get residence (highly highly unlikely).

He's using the typical texf book bullshit abuser threat - I'll take the kids, you won't get the kids. It's extremely unlikely but get some legal advice from experienced, relevant sources like above and build your "case".

Why can't you move into the house you own, or sell it and buy another suitable one.

You'll be entitled to 50% of joint assets (he might get some of value if your house though .... you should be in it in order to avoid him getting that, they'll not want to.force a mother and resident parent to sell to give him any money until.kids are 18 plus).

Two reasons to get into your house.

Trust me, it wasn’t an easy decision to make. I’ve always been a very independent woman self sufficient woman. I had to be. And now I’m paying the price for giving up that independence.

Ok OP— get your ‘hard thinking head’ on immediately. If your kids are in private Ed then chances are you have some assets- bear in mind his assets are your assets too, be it house, cash in bank, pensions. Make a measured analysis of what assets you have and speak to a solicitor about getting an injunction to get him out the house— then get the house on the market. A lot of people stay put but have no cash ,y personal preference is to rent somewhere in a good area using cash from house sale, get kids in a good state school and take it from there. He will have to pay child maintenance as well. First thing though is way up the assets and see a solicitor. You do have ways out and you need to be strong for your kids. I have nothing but contempt for this arse and he deserves to be totally taken to the cleaners

"The kids are in a happy and good environment, it’s just when he has his outbursts once in a while, when we argue and I don’t drop it that the kids might see it and most the time I do end up dropping it because I don’t want him to get angry and witness the nastiness between the two of us. I try my hardest to shelter them because I grew up with abusive parents myself and don’t want them witnessing the same".

Your boundaries, already skewed by seeing previous abuse at home, are being further eroded by your abusive H now. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, your parents showed you abuse and you have subconsiously gone onto replicate being in an abusive relationship yourself. Its what you know. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually happy and respectful loving relationship is like and you still do not know either. Saving money too takes time and it could be many years before you leave if at all. He will have totally destroyed you by then; the longer you stay the harder it will feel for you to actually break free. You're putting up barriers to leaving now but no obstacle is actually insurmountable.

I would not wish to upset you further but history is repeating itself and your children are seeing what you did as a child. You cannot protect your own self here from being abused and they're seeing and hearing far more than you realise. They are not stupid and at the very least they are hearing all the rows; sound travels. Their so called father is also causing them to have disturbed sleep by going into their rooms in the middle of the night.

Have you actually sought legal advice; it appears not and what you are writing is not based on fact but your own supposition. You own a house; who is currently occupying it?. Is it in your sole name?. If its tenanted can you give the tenants notice to quit?. Your own safety here as well as your children's is and should be your primary concern.

How old are the children ?

If you have lads they will likely turn into him and your girls will turn into you . They will choose men like their Dad and react to their partners behaviour in the same way you do and “shelter” their kids

Then the cycle continues ….

SS told me this .

You think private education is really that important? More than a living, safe, supportive home life?

You are deluded. Get out and help give your children a real future. As adults they will hate you if you don't.

Seek advice from woman's aid and a solicitor.

Whatever you do, don't tell anyone you're planning to leave him. Not your children, not anyone except women's aid and your solicitor until you can figure out who to trust.

Do your family members know about his abuse? Are they supportive of you?

You own the house you live in, you'll get 50% of that plus he'll have to pay maintenance for 4 DC.

Take the first step and contact WA and a solicitor for advice.

I try my hardest to shelter them because I grew up with abusive parents myself and don’t want them witnessing the same. It’s probably why I’ve stayed so long.

They are witnessing it.

Your thinking is flawed - you're keeping them in an abusive environment to protect the from experiencing an abusive environment?

Being bale.to say that your kids are in private education isn't worth this. Amd no mount of private education is going to make up for the trauma being inflicted upon them.

I don't ever talk about this but my mother used to burst into my room in the middle of the night screaming and dragging me out of bed. My father was a weak, passive enabler who stood by and watched.

I left home at 16 and never looked back so you may end up losing your children once they can get away and what will you be left with then? My mother died in April. Alone and unloved

Goodness, people on here are so brutal. Clearly I’m already going through something hence I’m on here talking about it but to call someone ‘deluded’ and use such harsh words does not help!! Talk about knocking someone down more than they already are!!! I already feel like absolute crap, there’s no need to knock a person down even more. There’s a way to speak to people who are going through things in life, show some compassion, there’s just no need to be so harsh and rude!!!

@Onedayiwillleavehim

Goodness, people on here are so brutal. Clearly I’m already going through something hence I’m on here talking about it but to call someone ‘deluded’ and use such harsh words does not help!! Talk about knocking someone down more than they already are!!! I already feel like absolute crap, there’s no need to knock a person down even more. There’s a way to speak to people who are going through things in life, show some compassion, there’s just no need to be so harsh and rude!!!

@Onedayiwillleavehim

While I respect your opinion and agree that it is hard, I can guarantee that if people hadn’t spoken to me the way we are speaking to you, I would not have left my husband almost 2 years ago. I was 21 when I left him, I’m 23 now and in a much better place. I needed the push to get out, and I think you do too.

@RantyAunty thank you. That’s all I want. Some guidance, some encouragement and reassurance it will be okay when I leave!!! A place to vent out because I have so much hurt inside me. Not to hear how deluded and stupid I am

You will find all responses here from kind and gentle to brutal but they all have the same aim, to help you get out as soon as you can and not think that staying in this environment is good for anyone. I think the fact you get a range of responses is good, some people need a kick up the backside and a touch of reality, others need gentle reassurance and help. You get both, take your pick. Very many of the people giving those responses have been in your situation and know what that are doing.

You need to leave, deep down you know, thats why you came on MN. The answers are brutal because when you are in an abusive relationship these hard hitting answers maybe the only way you will actually wake up and save yourself and your children. You are the only sane adult to get them out of this horrible existence. You are saying that you are terrified of being on your own....better than ending up in hospital when his rage gets the better of him and your kids end up with years of therapy because you were "scared" of being on your own. Wake up OP, take the hit you will get on MN and save yourself and your children,