I HATE MY HUSBAND!!!

[Onedayiwillleavehim]

9 years!!! 9 years of pure hell! Surely, relationships aren’t meant to be this way?! I’ve been abused, physically and mentally throughout these 9 years and I’m so fed up of it. He’s a narcissist, and although he doesn’t put his hands on me anymore he still hurts me so much mentally. Like my emotions and feelings just don’t matter. I don’t matter. He’ll use my horrible family and say I’m the one with the issues not them and soon I’ll have no kids either because of the way I am. Every time I’ve tried to leave him he’s threatened to kill me, he’ll break and smash stuff around the house. He’ll shout, scream and swear in front of the kids, walking into their rooms at 2 in the morning because he knows it makes me so upset. He’s a stone faced liar, but gets so angry if we have a discussion about something and I say that unfortunately I can’t trust what he says. I’ve stuck around for so long hoping things would change, he would change, but he just doesn’t. And I don’t love or like any part of the man he is. He repulses me! He thinks because he doesn’t hit me anymore or threaten to rape me like he used to he’s such a good man?!!!! I hate him!!! I hate him so much and wish I left him the moment he acted like a psycho!
Now my biggest issue is money and truthfully if I won the lottery TOMORROW, I would leave him. I would file for divorce and leave him in a blink of an eye no questions asked. But how can I leave a man I’m financially dependent on?! I’m so terrified of the unknown, and for me it’s like ‘better the devil you know right?’… He threatens to take the kids out of private education if I ever leave, he promises to make my life a living hell… What am I supposed to do?

Small steps, but quickly

Start by looking here and get all your documents gathered

What to include in your safety packing list:

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Check if you are entitled to anything:

www.entitledto.co.uk/

Think about what you might potentially need to support yourself. Do courses, get your CV up to date, look for part time work if you can. Check out the £10 a day thread under money matters on here

When you are ready to see a solicitor you will have already had a head start. But please don’t put it off, you need to get rid ASAP

[quote Onedayiwillleavehim]@RantyAunty thank you. That’s all I want. Some guidance, some encouragement and reassurance it will be okay when I leave!!! A place to vent out because I have so much hurt inside me. Not to hear how deluded and stupid I am[/quote]
I don't think anyone has called you stupid unless I have missed it.

Honestly OP sometimes we need to be told things in a matter of fact way. People are responding to your post because they care enough to.

It may sound harsh but when you're in the thick of it sometimes we all need things spelled out.

If you only wanted encouraging comments telling you it'll be ok then perhaps your OP should have been worded differently.

I was financially reliant on my husband, but he left me and the kids for another woman. I've had to be self sufficient now with the help of benefits. Some things we have cut back on or cant do for now but we are surviving. I would find a good time and leave. Doesn't sound like you and the kids have a life at all right now!

And sorry I say this as someone who has had a murder in the family because a relative would not leave her husband and he murdered her casually one morning after school drop off.
Fucked the kids up for life.

You get one chance at this life OP. As do your DC.

Give them one worth living.

You aren’t deluded OP - you sound an intelligent caring woman who has been trying to hold it all together in an impossible situation. Do yourself an almighty favour- check out mentally, look at him as a temporary ATM and see a solicitor pronto and get sizing up all your assets. You have assets, you have a way out- you just need guts. I actually think this guy is a borderline psychopath

OP your husband is abusing your children and you are colluding in it. This is abuse:

Every time I’ve tried to leave him he’s threatened to kill me, he’ll break and smash stuff around the house. He’ll shout, scream and swear in front of the kids, walking into their rooms at 2 in the morning because he knows it makes me so upset.

You need to contact a domestic abuse org,, Have a look at your local council website, it will be on there. You were brought up in an abusive household and your children are in an abusive household because they don't know any better.

Keeping children in an abusive environment is considered neglect OP. Contact your local DV organisation and get some advice on leaving. You don't tell an abuser you're leaving as they tend to escalate the abuse, you are most vulnerable when leaving an abuser as are your children.

It will be ok when you leave because you won't be in an abuse relationship and you'll be protecting your children. Children are really not stupid, they will know so much more than you think is going on. Little people have huge ears.

The finances will sort themselves. Comprehensive education will be fine. There are jobs at the moment and you'll be able to claim CMS.

Your children are not in an acceptable environment of any kind. Stop kidding yourself.

OP my exH is also most likely a narcissist. He was emotionally and financially abusive. Like you, I shielded my 2 DC from his moods and his outbursts. They never actually saw any of it. He never burst into their rooms at 2am. But they picked up on it. The tension in the house, the unfairness of certain decisions, and of course, how worn down and broken I was. I didn't realise how much it had affected them until I got out. Once in a safe environment, it slowly came to the surface, and we have seen therapists, which helped immensely.

Please do not assume that your children are unaffected by it because they don't see the high action parts of the abuse. No private education is worth growing up in an environment like that.

Seek advice, quietly. Speak to a DV organisation. Check which benefits you'd be entitled to. Keep a hidden log of the shit your H is pulling. Know where you stand, then quietly start making plans to leave.

Oh and OP, I know it probably feels like you can't at the moment, like you're not strong enough. All your strength is being drained by that shit bag husband of yours. Once you start making plans, and you get a tiny taste of freedom, you will find your strength start to come back. You CAN do this.

@Onedayiwillleavehim

Goodness, people on here are so brutal. Clearly I’m already going through something hence I’m on here talking about it but to call someone ‘deluded’ and use such harsh words does not help!! Talk about knocking someone down more than they already are!!! I already feel like absolute crap, there’s no need to knock a person down even more. There’s a way to speak to people who are going through things in life, show some compassion, there’s just no need to be so harsh and rude!!!

People are just telling you the truth. You will get a lot of sympathy and practical advice on here but you will get honesty too

It is hard to leave yes. But it's doable and you can do this.

Your children are witnessing the abuse - you said it yourself:
Every time I’ve tried to leave him he’s threatened to kill me, he’ll break and smash stuff around the house. He’ll shout, scream and swear in front of the kids, walking into their rooms at 2 in the morning because he knows it makes me so upset.

So they are seeing in their childhood what you saw in yours. Think back to all the times your parents thought they were successfully hiding the abuse, the fights, the broken stuff, remember the atmosphere and how scared you were. That's your children's life now. And they will grow up to either be an abuser, or be abused in their relationships, because it's all they know. You don't want that for your kids. That's why you are posting here.

Contact Womens Aid and just talk to them. Get advice and even the feeling of just having someone on the end of the phone who just gets it is strengthening and empowering. They can help point you in the direction of what you'd be entitled to, how you can leave him safety and help you give your children the childhood they deserve.

I hope someone phones the police and SS as your children are being abused…

If you have 4 children in private education then there is a lot of money in this marriage, and 50% of it is yours. You won’t be destitute.

You need to protect yourself and your children.

This is not a happy environment and you need to break this cycle of abuse. What would you be saying to your daughter if she was telling you all this? (which may potentially happen).

You need support ❤ I've recently come out of an absolutely life changing horrific relationship so I know it's not easy but contact your local woman's aid, they will help you with EVERYTHING, there's so many other support groups too, take advantage of any kind of help u can get, that's what I did. Please do this it will be hard but it will be the best thing you ever do. Good luck xxxxx

Do you not see the irony? You were brought up in an abusive household. You think that's why you've stuck around so long. You are now continuing the pattern with your own children and think they don't see it.

What do you think the next step in the pattern is? Your children do what you did, and end up in abusive relationships. Either as the abuser or the abused. It's happened to you. It could happen to them. Why would you risk that?

Private education, a big house, a steady income - I would give all of those up in a blink to live in a peaceful, safe, calm but modest home, having to count the pennies and send the children to a regular school.

This man is wrecking your life and will do the same to your children the longer they spend watching your relationship.

You, and they, deserve so much better.

Please keep talking on here. And please seek legal advice as to what you would be entitled to if you split. And hopefully you have some support IRL.

Stop seeing barriers to leaving. There is a much better life waiting for you.

Can your kids go and live somewhere non abusive while you’re with the rapist? Unfortunately I was made to grow up in an environment the same as your kids, so I speak from experience. Brutal to have to survive a childhood instead of living it.