Can’t disagree with husband

[twoandeights]

I really need some advice. I’m having trouble with my husband and need to know what steps to take. We’re at the point that he’s throwing tantrums and shouting every time we disagree over anything because I’m “telling him he’s wrong”. He seems to have a huge chip on his shoulder about me disagreeing with him. I can say “that’s not my recollection of what happened” or “my opinion is different” and it leads to him ignoring me until I apologise. He is on tenterhooks and the slightest hint of me telling him he’s wrong sends him into a sulk. It’s becoming incredibly hard to live with and I don’t know what to do. Surely a disagreement is people having different opinions or it wouldn’t be a disagreement. It feels as if he just wants me to agree with him all the time! Has anyone else been through this? How did you resolve it?

@TigsytheTiger

You don't need to understand, just know it is wrong and it makes you unhappy.

As to how you get it over, leave and live a better and happier life with your DC.

That. Stop trying to work out the whys. It makes no different. He's abusing you in front of your children. That is incredibly destructive.

If you find it hard to leave for yourself, for goodness sake do it for your children. His anger is damaging them more every day - and affecting their relationship with you. No child should have to witness this stuff.

Protect them. Protect yourself. Leave.

It feels as if he just wants me to agree with him all the time! Has anyone else been through this? How did you resolve it?

Sadly yes. The amount of times I used to say "Can we just agree to disagree?"

But no, apparently that wasn't allowed.

Yes to silent treatment. Yes to needing an apology.

We are divorced .

Get on great now! Small doses...

Honestly, some people take it as a personal attack if you have an opinion that differs from theirs. They are a pain in the arse or worse. I would not stay with someone who behaves like this.

I think I would have to confront him and tell him everything you have written, in the hope he sees sense.

I had some issues with my DH and in the end Ihad to blurt it all out. He listened (as I truly threw a wobbler) and I don’t think he realised just how bad he had been until that point.

Maybe he just needs to hear how bad things are and that you are not prepared to accept it. If not, you know where you stand.

Just don’t leave it too long.

I you for 15 years. Am two years out now. It gets worse and eventually breaks you.

I am recovering but it is very very slow. He destroyed my sense of self and identity. That takes ages to come back.

Don’t be me. Try to move on earlier.

Don’t waste your time trying to work out why he does this or understanding him. That’s a waste of time and will get you nowhere. He does it because he can. Because he cares only about himself. Spend your time instead working out a plan to extricate yourself and your dc from this toxic relationship.

Do you have friends and family you can confide in, and support you with your plans?

@Walkingwounded it’s been 10 years. It’s already too late. I’m too old to start again. I’m spent. The only thing I can hope for is a peaceful life on my own. There’s nothing actually left for me. I left it too late. If I’d got out ten years ago I would have stood a chance and had the energy and not had to cope with Covid restrictions etc I just need to get to the point where I don’t feel like actually chucking myself in front of a train every day. That would be nice.

[quote twoandeights]@Walkingwounded it’s been 10 years. It’s already too late. I’m too old to start again. I’m spent. The only thing I can hope for is a peaceful life on my own. There’s nothing actually left for me. I left it too late. If I’d got out ten years ago I would have stood a chance and had the energy and not had to cope with Covid restrictions etc I just need to get to the point where I don’t feel like actually chucking myself in front of a train every day. That would be nice.[/quote]
Of course it’s it too late to have a new life! It’s never, ever too late. How old are you? A lot younger than me, I’ll wager. And I’m just divorced and buying a new house and I can’t wait for a life without the ex and all the baggage that brings!

Never too late, NEVER too late!

You're not starting again, you're turning in a different direction. Life isn't a game of snakes and ladders. Even if one or two things appear to revert to an earlier stage you're still in a different position than then.

Don't write off the last decade of growth and experiences.

I respect that you feel there's nothing left for you, and I am truly sorry that you are in so much pain. I disagree with you wholeheartedly - just because you can't picture a better life doesn't mean you won't have one.

You probably have more than 30 years in front of you OP.

What those years look like is up to you , I am looking forward to moving into my new house later this year, after getting free of an abusive arse. I am probably at least 15 years older than you and I am very excited for the next chapter.

You CAN make an exciting happy future OP , be brave!

@twoandeights

I just don’t understand why he is doing this though and why he thinks it’s ok to be like this? I know I need to leave but it’s incredibly hard because he 100% is fine without me and carries on with life as though I don’t exist and I’m on the floor. How do I come back from this?

He can do it because he runs his relationships by a completely different moral mindset than how you run yours. You run a relationship to be about 'us'. He runs a relationship to be all about 'me'. If you switch from 'us' thinking to 'me' thinking, his behaviour will all fit perfectly, and be really predictable and standard and ordinary. Most people don't think in this way naturally, but some do. You'll never understand why he's like that, any more than you can understand why a dandelion is yellow: it just is. Thinking 'it's ok to be like this' is 'us' thinking; so it won't have crossed his mind.

It is then marriage ending until I capitulate

Stop capitulating. The marriage is over already if he's using it as a tool to force you into saying he's right. Yu come back from this by standing your ground, holding your boundaries, and refusing to continue with in a relationship where you're treated like this.

He can just piss off. He won’t improve, he’s an entitled twat

[quote twoandeights]@Walkingwounded it’s been 10 years. It’s already too late. I’m too old to start again. I’m spent. The only thing I can hope for is a peaceful life on my own. There’s nothing actually left for me. I left it too late. If I’d got out ten years ago I would have stood a chance and had the energy and not had to cope with Covid restrictions etc I just need to get to the point where I don’t feel like actually chucking myself in front of a train every day. That would be nice.[/quote]
It's never too late. I divorced when I was 52, nearly 53. Had a great time single, then met a lovely man. You have all the rest of your life to really live!

Ive absolutely been going through the same thing with someone in my life . I spent a long time thinking I can word things better , be gentler , no mention things etc to the point I barely had a voice . Anything I’d say remotely annoying to him or that raised a question or issue they fly into a frenzy, swearing and telling me I make them miserable and that I’m rude .
It’s taken a long time but Ive realised just so controlling and that these type of people don’t see they are ever at fault it change

My late father moved across the country in his eighties to come and live with us. He had a great social life, an epic romantic life (I really, really didn't want to know about anything else, but it was with partners of around his own age) and took time to enjoy everything that was going on around him.

He didn't have fantastic pensions or any savings, and he didn't always have good health, but he went out and had a blast.

I don't have anything useful to add to the advice already given. And as I am permanently suicidal, I get that it's hard to see a glimmer of light in your situation. But I dont want you to think that there is no hope in the future. There is hope for peace, quiet, and a calm mind.

Sending all good wishes.

@twoandeights

I think I need to make moves to try and separate myself emotionally and psychologically. I’ve just started a new job so I’ve got that as a focus. Build up my CV, build up my support network. I’m starting counselling. Feel incredibly broken and unsure and lost.

You are doing ALL the right things here.

And I second all the PP who say forget about understanding why he does it. Knowing why won't change him - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, & you can't cure it.
However ... there is a book called "why Does He Do That?" which, if you can safely keep a hidden copy or e-version of, would do you the power of good. Not because you need to find out "why?" in the sense of being able to change anything about your husband's behaviour. But to help you spot patterns, & develop coping strategies while you plan & build up those support networks.

Use your counselling to understand yourself, gain strength of mind & support while you quietly work on your next steps.

Congratulations on the new job :)
Along with reaching out here, it's one of the first small steps you are taking to deal with this man's baneful influence on you & the DC.

oooops trigger finger here's the link - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

What do you mean too late!? My mum met the love of her life at 55, 4 years after her 30+ year marriage ended. Another friend of mine met her lovely partner in her 60s. Definitely not too late. And anyway you don’t need another relationship right now. You need to get away from this one.

[quote twoandeights]@Walkingwounded it’s been 10 years. It’s already too late. I’m too old to start again. I’m spent. The only thing I can hope for is a peaceful life on my own. There’s nothing actually left for me. I left it too late. If I’d got out ten years ago I would have stood a chance and had the energy and not had to cope with Covid restrictions etc I just need to get to the point where I don’t feel like actually chucking myself in front of a train every day. That would be nice.[/quote]
There's loads left for you!

New job, a peaceful home life with the kids, time for friends, hobbies, dammit even just quiet evenings chilling in your own calm space, with nobody badgering, bullying & haranguing you.

Don't even think about "starting again" at this point.
Although loads of people "start again" in their 60's & 70's! - after a 10 year relationship, Dog knows how many of them bad, you will need to be cultivating yourself, not a replacement man.

You'll stop wanting to chuck yourself under trains when this man is no longer squashing the damn life out of you ...

Keep the focus on your new job, & the children, & yourself.
Let Mr AlwaysRight stew in his own juices, while you crack on with family life as he sulks. Or take the "yes dear" option for a few weeks for a quieter life while you plan your next steps.

There is no way of teaching or reasoning with the type of ridiculous behaviour your husband is exhibiting, & it's telling that he's escalated it now you have your new job. Now he's involving the children, & he may ramp up further as he feels you slipping away from him. Be careful, be cautious, get professional help from a solicitor as well as your counsellor, & play your cards close to your chest as you work out what you want, & how you are going to exit the marriage if that is your goal.

I doubt you're too old. My mum just got remarried at 56. A pals grandma got remarried at 72

Start doing your detective work now as at least an insurance policy if you need to leave. Get copies of his payslips, bank statements, birth certificates & passports for you & dc, driving licence, open a bank account in your name only & try to build up some money or if you work have your wages, things like child benefit paid in & get cashback if you go shopping.

Op I'm living a very similar existence to you, very suddenly my DH has turned quite abusive. He's always had a temper but 99% of the time it could be controlled. He now has no control over it and he can never be wrong it's hell

@TheFoundations
He can do it because he runs his relationships by a completely different moral mindset than how you run yours. You run a relationship to be about 'us'. He runs a relationship to be all about 'me'. If you switch from 'us' thinking to 'me' thinking, his behaviour will all fit perfectly, and be really predictable and standard and ordinary. Most people don't think in this way naturally, but some do. You'll never understand why he's like that, any more than you can understand why a dandelion is yellow: it just is. Thinking 'it's ok to be like this' is 'us' thinking; so it won't have crossed his mind.

The thing I don't get with this is he'd still get a better outcome for him, by compromising than the lose lose one we've ended up in. It's like marriage is a zero sum game to men like this. The outcomes from such games are if 1 compromises and 2 doesn't, 2 gets everything, vive versa for 1, if both compromise they end up sharing the payoff, if neither compromise both get nothing. Some people are more naturally inclined to compromise, some people would rather lose everything then compromise, the only option they'll accept is they win or everyone loses. The person that compromises keeps doing it till the outcome is so bad they'd rather exit the game, because the other person would rather lose then compromise. It's a completely alien concept to me. I can't understand why he'd prefer we both lose rather than compromising. It makes absolutely no sense to me, but that's him, he is who he is.

You haven't mentioned your age and its not clear what you mean by too old to start again.

Do you mean dating? Or property? Or something else?

I left my husband 3 years ago after 19 years together/17 married. (I made the decision in 2011 when my daughter was 8 that I would leave him when she was 18, I lasted until she was 15 before I chucked in the towel. It is hard living like that long term but sometimes needs must but I wouldn't recommend it, get out as soon as you can)
My only aim was to enjoy my life and no longer be held back by an emotionally abusive man.
My plan was to remain single forever and I vowed never to live with a man again.

My life is great, I have a great job, a lovely home, 2 grown up children (1 going to Uni tomorrow), very good friends, great family and loads of hobbies.
I couldn't ask for any more.
I sometimes regret that I didn't leave earlier but mainly I am just thankful I got out when I did.
I am in a relationship lite, no plans to live together or merge lives, just enjoying a few nights together each week which suits us both. Our lives outside of our relationship take priority.

It is never too late to leave an emotionally abusive man.

Can you post more about your concerns so we can try to help?