Sorry if this has been asked a lot of times before, but I never quite understand it. I'll try to describe something that happened the other night, and can anyone please tell me if this is gaslighting or not.
Quick background (although I've posted many times about this) - no sex for 10 years, pretty much separate lives in that I do all the parenting and go to work whereas he works and then that's it for the day, had the talk with him but he continues to bury his head in the sand in order to keep the family together.
Anyway, he goes to see bands a lot, usually by himself, locally and further away which sometimes takes him away from home for a whole day and night. I don't mind as I am happier just me and the dc at home, although have become resentful that he has all the freedom to do this and I work around it. He told me last week that he had two tickets to see a band we both like, but I instantly felt that I didn't want to go. One reason that I'm still not keen on being in a crowd in an enclosed space, and the other that I plain don't want to go out with him. So, I worried about telling him all weekend, and finally told him on Monday night that I didn't want to go because of my concerns about covid. But before this even happened, he made me miss my pilates class as he was late in from work, hadn't phoned to say he'd be late which might have allowed me to leave the DCs in on their own for ten minutes (they're big enough) and turned it round on me saying it was my fault as I should have phoned him. For one thing, he almost never has his phone on anyway, and another thing he wasn't apologetic in the slightest. It's not a massive problem to have missed my class, but if ever he needs me home by a certain time so he can go out, he's literally waiting on the doorstep. But still I thought, shit, is this my fault?
So then he asked if my mum could come and look after dcs while we went out to this gig, and I told him I really didn't feel like going (knowing full well he'd go on his own, I wasn't stopping him) and he really kicked off, saying I was unreasonable, ungrateful and selfish. He said I was being ridiculous about covid, and went on so much about it I gave in and said I'd go. Then he said "don't come just to do me a favour, forget it."
It made me think maybe I am being unreasonable to have concerns about covid, we're both double jabbed, as is everyone who would be at the gig, so I felt all churned up as if I'd created a big fight, and by this time our youngest was crying. Then he went on to call me ungrateful again because the George Forman grill he bought me for my birthday is still in its box...... I said there is nowhere to put it and I won't even use it anyway. He's brought this up several times. So this time I answered back saying I go out of my way to get him presents I know he will like, but this was a randomly chosen last minute thing from the nearest sale shelf in the entrance to Sainsburys. But still he maintains I should be happy with it, and I think....should I?
So, I took the youngest upstairs to get away, the eldest followed us up a few minutes later and we just played a game together while he sulked on his own downstairs.
I had to go down again and he followed me to the kitchen with a new rant about my running. "You've never ONCE asked me to go for a run with you! Does it not enter your brain that I might like to come with you?! Again, selfish!" So I told him, no, I don't want him to come, I like to get away on my own. He just didn't get it. And again I thought, am I being horrible wanting to run on my own? I literally took up running to get away from him. Does he not realise???
So now there's an awful atmosphere in the house because I dared once to say no. He makes me feel like I have to back down all the time, but I want to say to him, "what you're doing is gaslighting me and it's not fair." Am I right to say that? Sorry if a bit long and confusing x