Anyone with no contact at all with any members of their family

[Buttonmoomin]

I am in this position and have been for over 25 yrs. I found out that my mother died by finding a notice in the paper and was contacted by a solicitor to say that my father had died.
I have my own teenage children, married and to the outside world have a nice life. I have spent a lot of time with my husband's family over the years.
I feel that you are never "normal", you are not like other people due to your experiences growing up and the lack of normal talk of family, siblings with children etc etc. I have siblings who became mentally ill before I had even left home and they have never worked and never married. I tell people that I am an only child.

I would be interested to hear from someone in a similar situation.

My husband had a perfectly normal childhood, as far as I can tell, but he left home to go to university, met me, and never went back. We used to visit his parents regularly but he had no contact with his siblings or other relatives. I am still in contact with his nieces and nephew but he refuses to have anything to do with them - even when I see them - and says that as far as he is concerned my family is ‘his family’ and the only family he needs.

Thank you mdh2020. That is an interesting situation and I guess he has the opportunity to have contact if he ever wants to. May I ask about his relationship with your family?

I have been NC with my family for around 10 years and now have a live in partner who has never met them. I did worry that he would find it weird when I met him but he's really not bothered as his ex-wife's family dominated their weekends.

I went NC because of lifelong scapegoating of me in my family so it was inevitable really. Best thing I ever did although it felt devastating at the time not celebrating birthdays and christmases like other people. However, lots of 'normal' families are really unhappy underneath so it's an illusion that is readily bought into in society.

I am quite open when people ask about it having realised it's not my shame that my family are like this. Most of it falls on my DM who has a suspected personality disorder. I found therapy transforming for me to get my head around it. Do you think it might help you to deal with it?

Just to add, I am NC with my wider family too. Result of my DMs manipulation, she controls all relationships through triangulation and is NC with one of her siblings. Whole family is a toxic mess!

My mother went NC with her family when I was a child so there was only her, my stepdad, and my brothers.

She and my stepdad abused me daily (she said she never wanted a daughter) she lied about my dad and kept him away too.

I went NC with her years ago, my brothers are both drug addicts so we were LC anyway and they sided with her because they had a very different childhood to me.

She still attempts input into my life (calls SS every now and then, last time was because she heard my dd is a lesbian and she is very homophobic) and makes sure messages are passed on through various people, like she has a letter for me for after she dies, which I won't be reading, one of her friends showed up at my door on the anniversary of my sons death to give me all the photos of me as a child and a few photos she had of my son and a note to say she didn't want anything to do with me or my kids (she knew what day it was and just wanted to upset me more).

As awful as it sounds I can't wait until she dies. She won't be able to put her little digs in then and I don't even hate her, I just nothing her now so I won't be upset at all.

I have a newish partner, he isn't bothered at all by me having no family.

Dacquoise I have had therapy on and off, not sure how much help it has ever been.

I agree that lots of "normal" families have lots of problems and you would not know it.

I suppose it is the feeling of being different, you are not like other people. A major part of you is hidden because the vast majority of people who know you, don't really know you at all.

I admire you being open about it, I could not.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult - yours sounds a very tough situation, At least mine is at a practical level all in the past.

Dacquoise - reading again - how was the therapy transforming? What do you think was the turning point?

Both me and dh are only dc.. We are both nc with our dps. No other relatives apart from our dc!! A weird life ime!!
We filled the gaps with ddogs instead!! Definitely recommend it. No criticisms and lots of love going both ways!

I’ve been NC with my siblings since my parents died. Never had grandparents or aunts/uncles. I get jealous of people with any family tbh, it can feel so lonely. Hate feeling that but it does, especially at weekends/Christmas etc.

This is thought provoking. I have a very toxic family. At one time I was NC with my parents for three years. I have since had periods where I have not spoken to my mother . As a last ditch attempt to fix things before she dies, I organised therapy for us both jointly. The therapist has told me there is no point in continuing as my mother does not have the capacity to change. She told me I have three choices, go NC, reduce contact and have no expectations of the relationship, go in armed for conflict. Work on myself and do inner child work so it isn’t triggering me. It’s hard to know what to do. I would honestly like to move to another country and cut them all of completely. They are so damaging to me. The therapist told me she has not seen any of her family for 30 years. If it’s the best thing for your wellbeing, it takes courage to walk way.

Brollywasntneededafterall - sounds as if you have found a good place. My husband's family have been very much around and that has caused many of its own problems.
One thing that has triggered a current melancholy is a being described as an "oddball" on a recent visit by the Mother in law. She knows the bare bones of my family history and I might have hoped after 20 yrs of knowing me she would be more careful in her choice of words. Of course my husband tells me to not be so sensitive and she did not mean it. As I say, a whole other story.....

When I realised that it wasn't my fault my family were so fractured. My DM made me think it was down to me, I was the problem and needed to fix it. As a result I carried a lot of shame about it around with me. At one point in my childhood they were going to send me to boarding school, to get rid of the 'problem'.

Through therapy I came to realise that I was actually the emotionally and mentally normal one in the family, a lot of scapegoats are, and that I didn't need to feel shame for other family member's faults. My DM was very promiscuous when we were children and there was a lot of pressure on us from my DM to keep quiet and see it as okay because she was such a 'victim' and we should feel sorry for her. We saw her having sex with one of my uncles (dad's side). She and her siblings were/are all cheaters. They colluded with each other about their numerous adulterous affairs. Now I see it as abusive behaviour.

I have put the blame exactly where it belongs. My DM was mentally unstable (from her own childhood) and her behaviour was abusive. I didn't destroy my family. She did.

I also realised that there is no possibility of normal relationships with any of my family. Some people don't understand because their families aren't like this but I don't see that as my problem. The truth is the truth.

You say you don't tell people about your family which suggests you are carrying shame about this. Is it something you can work on?

UnLunDun - I spent many Christmases alone in my 20's. I hid for the day and waited for it be over. Looking back, I wish that I had done something useful like help out at a homeless shelter or some programme for visiting the elderly.

For me the walking away was a matter of survival - I could not continue any contact without it coming at a huge cost to me. I had to save myself because there was nothing I could ever do as the youngest person in this family. By the time I was an adult the damage was long done.

Washeduponthebeach
I am surprised the therapist said go armed for conflict as I am not sure what that would bring you.

I carry a great deal of shame and have throughout my life - we were the "odd" family in the street. I know at an intellectual level none of it was my fault and I was unfortunate to have the family that I had.
A few people know the bare bones - but what can they really know? They see it through the lens of their own life and I could probably never convey to them what it was really like.
I don't have many close friends but many acquaintances and could not open up my life in those circumstances.

If you haven't already, take a look at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships. You will soon realise that there are a lot of people NC with their family of origin, for very good reason. It's not uncommon and doesn't make you abnormal or an 'oddball'. Sounds like your DH's family bring their own dysfunction to the table and are a bit triggering for you.

Perhaps try to be vulnerable with just one of these acquaintances and see what happens? Not everyone will judge you as you fear. As you say it wasn't your fault and you are actually the brave one for breaking away. That takes guts!

It took me to my 40s to be honest with other people about my family and, you know what, nothing bad happened. Some people do the 'you only have one mum' bullshit, yawn! In fact I don't know one person who doesn't have a dysfunctional family in some form or other. As my therapist says 'we're all fucking mad'

thank you Dacquoise and yes I remember this thread now - I had seen if before and forgotten the title.
yes husband's family have always triggered a huge amount of emotional turmoil for me but husband unable to be supportive due to his own unwillingness to examine his family life at all.
I wish I had said to mother in law "yes, given my upbringing it is not surprising I am an oddball. I prefer to use the word eccentric and don't like the word you used. "
That would likely have resulted in some sort of negative reaction on her part that would have caused husband to be upset at me.
But sod it - I would have said it had I thought of it at the time - but I laughed it off and sort of said I didn't like that word but she is not a woman known for her own self awareness or analysis so it did not lead to a meaningful conversation....

You are also right that there are lots of people with NC of family - I don't know how many with no contact with anyone at all . I guess it raises a couple of things for me:

I have never know anyone talk about it - such is the social pressure and the shame associated with it.

It is sad that there is no one who knew you as a child or young person - no one to talk about you.

For 20 yrs I have listened and listened to the stories from my husband's family, willing for a long time but now with more and more irritation and resentment (my issue I know). I know it is what families do but I am mighty sick of it.

Perhaps don't try to fix your DH's family but protect yourself by not interacting as much. You don't have to exchange one lot of problems for another. Have a look at grey rock technique.

My DPs family are as mad as a box of frogs but thankfully not malicious. However, I am mindful of not being overinvolved with them.

Thank you again. Yes his family are not malicious but his now deceased father could say and do spiteful things. They are just very self absorbed and whilst on the positive they never judged me and accepted me it was obviously on their terms.

I wish I had been a lot less involved over the years and kept a lot more emotional distance.
It is too late for change - I do try to be mindful of how I feel when I am with them, walk away if something starts to stir up feelings but this "oddball" comment caught me off guard.

I have never heard of grey rock - thank you for that.

Something I have found very useful to deal with triggering and other painful feelings, is meditation. There are a couple of apps you can download on your phone. Only takes ten minutes a day. Sounds a bit woo, but If you can teach yourself to observe feelings as they come up, how they make your body feel, but not attach to them they become less powerful. Might be worth a go.

Yes, I have a mindful recording that I do listen to but not in a disciplined way.

I am coming to the conclusion that I almost have what one might call a life long condition. I have to be mindful every day.

I look back on my foolish younger self - thinking I would go to university and leave it all behind me and could cry at my naivety...
30 yrs later I am still grappling with stuff being stirred up.