My 8 year old daughter has no close friends

[Sallysay]

It's breaking my heart to see.
My daughter (8) attends a very small school with not many children in her year group. She had a best friend throughout the first 2 years of primary school who then rejected her at the end of year 1. Throughout year 2, my daughter still referred to the girl as her best friend whilst the girl didn't want to be best friends with her. She went through such a traumatic time with it as she seemed to really latch on to her. We really had to have a lot of discussions about what makes a friend and how a friendship works both ways. How we shouldn't really want to play with someone who tells us that she doesn't want to play with us every single day.

I could see why it didn't work out as they are very different and because of the small class size, there isn't an opportunity to make many friends. After lots of upset and a bit of grieving for a lost friendship, my daughter began playing with 2 other girls. She certainly isn't as attached to these girls as she was her previous best friend thankfully, but it hurts to see her left out such a lot. The 2 girls are best friends so if they ever choose partners in games or choose someone to sit by, they understandably choose each other and my girl gets left out.

What is hurting now is how my daughter has really become accustomed now to being rejected and being an outsider. It's normal to her now. She'll tell me how she gets partnered up with the teacher as if it's normal.

It's not that she's not liked. She's very bright and I would say respected by her class and was voted by them to be the class leader last year. She just isn't really close to any of the children in the class. She's become a bit of a loner since the rejection of her best friend. I'm guessing the rejection was probably down to her being so infatuated with her in the first place.

I get on well with the parents of some of the other girls (there are only 8 girls in the class in total) but they're not really my kind of people either so it's difficult to build friendships with them to help my daughter. I feel like she's been unlucky that there's nobody quite on her wave length in her class.

My eldest daughter (12) went to the same primary school and formed some great bonds with the girls in her group, as did the parents who are still friends too, but it's been an entirely different experience for my youngest daughter. I asked her who she would like to invite over for dinner one night after school and she said she didn't feel like she had anyone to ask 😥.

I want to help her. This can't be doing much for her self worth and self esteem. She's such a kind, friendly little girl, she deserves a good friend. But I'm not sure how to help her. Should I encourage bonds outside of school for now and hold out for high school? I've thought about changing schools but it seems drastic and the other school in the area is also a small one, so she may end up in a similar situation.

It sounds heartbreaking and I really feel for you and your lovely little daughter who indeed sounds bright as a button and very deserving of friends.

I think in your position I would do as you've suggested and try to give her opportunities to nurture friendships outside of school. Are there any clubs (horse riding, swimming etc) that she might enjoy and that would allow her to form social bonds? Other than that you could try building her self esteem in other ways- by talking to her and spending lots of time with her as a family. Before she goes to high school you could try to find other local mums for play dates to help her form some friendships before she goes with others in her class. Is there another local school that would work even if it seems drastic? Has your daughter ever expressed the desire to change schools?

Hi op, this must be upsetting, It’s positive that your Dd is so open with you.
In your position I’d talk to the teacher. They are pretty good at keeping an eye out for a child if they are being left out.
Also I notice you only talk about friendships with the other girls, what about the boys in her class. Can you arrange play dates with some new kids?
Does she go to any clubs outside of school? They can be good for friendships.
I have a friend who’s dd didn’t click too well with anyone in her class (small school) so she moved her to a bigger school & she’s now much happier. That’s quite extreme I realise, but the more children there are, the easier it might be to find others with things in common.
Good luck

I was in her shoes and still dont understand why my bloody parents didn’t move me

I didn’t make any friends until I was 12 and I had plenty. Never a social butterfly but always in a good group of chums

I wonder

1. Speak to teacher
2. Build up extra curricular stuff - definitely took the edge off for me
3. Think about moving if it continues for another year or something

I've suggested a change of school to DD but she says she wants to stay where she is. She likes the teachers! She gets on really well with them and the teachers always say what a pleasure she is.

The teachers all look out for her as they're aware of the situation. They've been very understanding and have orchestrated situations to benefit her a couple of times, but I guess, they can't force it.

She does a couple of extracurricular activities- but they're quite independent ones and not necessarily group activities. I've spoken to her about changing to something more sociable but she says she wants to stick with the ones she does. She could do extra activities which she says she will do, but it means a lot of running around during the week on my part.

She is loosely friends with a couple of the boys in her class but she's very pink and girlie so tends to give up on them as soon as they start playing army or racing games!

Brownies/ Cubs seem like goid social groups, does she go?
Can you reach out to the other parents? Explain Dd is struggling & ask them about play dates.
We often go to the local park after school, it’s nice as there are other families that do the same & my dc have been able to develop friendships through this. Perhaps put a message on the class WhatsApp to say you’ll be at the park on x day after school & it’d be lovely if any one would like to meet you there, all welcome.

I think you are worrying too much and possibly putting pressure on the situation by asking her to invite children etc when you know she hasn't been making close friends at the moment. She sounds happy and is learning about different kinds of friendships, including those with teachers, having already experienced an overly intense friendship and how that doesn't work for everyone. So long as you are creating positive social experiences for her she doesn't need to have specific close friends or 1 named best friend. She can be friendly with a wide range of ages and other children and that is just fine.

Oh poor girl. A choice of 8 girls as friends? No wonder she isn't having much luck. My DD's primary has 50 girls in her year, there is always someone to play with and she is in a close group of 8 but also has 4 other great friends with different interests and personalities. Your DD needs normal sized peer group to interact with - bare minimum 15 girls I'd say.

I would move her to a larger school, immediately. She will probably like the teachers at the next school too. She can't imagine moving so of course she will vote to stay. You need to step in as parent and make the best choice. The teachers at my DD's primary are lovely. Why wouldnt you like the primary teacher at any school? They are typically a nice bunch of people.

If you are unable to switch school then you need to start plundering other year groups for friends. Start with Y2 and Y4. Ask teachers if girls in other years are lonely and can teachers try and put the girls together.

Also you urgently need to engage her in group extra curricular. Brownies or similar. Maybe something like climbing lessons, where there is quite a lot of standing around watching others climb. Or volunteering at a community garden or conservation project if there is a kid-friendly one. Or a theatre or dance group. You want something where kids arent always active, though, and have time to chat and bond. Good luck.

With kindness, do you think you may be projecting a little? From what you write it seems your dd is at peace with it, doesn’t mind being partnered with teachers etc, accepts the reality that it’s a small school - is thi more distressing for you than it is for her?

My children have all been in very small primaries (think 10-20 children in entire school), and in some ways that helps ease this kind of situation as all the years and both sexes simply have to play together/learn to appreciate everyone. I wouldn’t be too quick to move a child, as you say, there is every chance this would happen elsewhere too. I’d concentrate on extra-curricular activities like Brownies and also maybe invites for a small group of classmates for something like swimming, rather than one classmate to the house. Is there a play park the school children can play in after school? Going there regularly may help.

I agree you are projecting a bit.

I would personally move her schools. I wouldn't tell her it was about friendships, I'd tell her you found a better school where they do more and hopefully she will have more social opportunities.

I think you need to not mention friendships for a while.

I was going to say Brownies.

Sounds like she'll make a fair and just leader to me.
Envisage her being a judge (or referee of some sort) when she grows up and it might give a different view on the matter and help you see how else she could interact with others around her or how well she does it already.

DD is best friends with a twin. They are both quite strong minded and will disagree over what to play and the friend will ditch her for her sister. She often also does the same when picking partners etc so dd is left with a straggler or to play alone. She genuinely doesn't seem to mind and I think it's a good thing to have the confidence to just mingle and play alone if the situation comes up. I'd praise that rather than trying to push closer friendships. It's probably less stressful in the long run as all the falling outs that come with it can be upsetting. Like you it's so different to my experience with dd1 who was/is a little social butterfly but would have been pretty distraught at being left to play alone. Friendships start changing as they get older anyway so things may change frequently from the current dynamics over the next few years if primary. Fwiw there are 90 dc in DD's year and I certainly couldn't name 8 girls that dd is friends with. I can think of 3 but 2 are now in a different class and one is a neighbour that she seems to be drifting apart from now anyway. Moving to a bigger school won't necessarily change things anyway.

To add, like your dd she is popular and liked, works well with anyone in class that's she's paired with just happy with her own space if her one or 2 friends done want to play/aren't available etc.

To be honest, you sound more upset by this situation than your DD. It sounds as though she rubs along with her peers, but none of them are her people - it happens in life. From what you've said, she sounds pretty independent.

I didn't have this problem at primary school, which was tiny - 2 years to a class. But this happened to me at secondary school. My 2 best friends had gone to the same primary as each other but different from me so they were already best friends and I sort of latched on. If we had to pair, I knew they would always choose each other and I would pair with someone else. Actually, I think it worked well for me because it meant I had to socialise with other people and I had to be learn how to be adaptable and out-going. I made interesting relationships outside that close friendship. The three of us had a great time together inside and outside school. To this day I feel close to all my friends rather than just a best friend. So whether this is part of my natural personality or was formed by that experience, I don't know. But I was content and maybe your daughter is too. I certainly wasn't harmed by it. Friendships are so fluid when you're younger.

Your school is too small. We all went to the idyllic village primary and it’s fine if you get lucky but if your tribe happen to be the other kids that are there but if not you are stuffed. My poor sister only had two other girls in her class and one bullied her - she was trapped as no others to play with. We purposefully sent ours to a big 2 form entry primary so they had a lovely deep friendship pool.

Thank you for the fantastic advice here!
I maybe am projecting a little. The other girls in the school seem to have a close friend that they do lots with and she doesn't. But actually, maybe that's a good thing as highlighted here.

Chat with her teacher and ask if she can partner her with a child to send her off with to play with each break time. That’s often all it takes
If she loves dancing, enrol her in nearby dance classes If she would like to try a sport or art group, start her in that. She will naturally form friendships as she chooses

I think the whole idea of having ‘a best friend’ is very overrated, particularly at that age when friendships ebb and flow, and where it’s in their best interests to build up a wide circle of friends so that if they fall out with one friend, it doesn’t have a catastrophic impact. She doesn’t appear to be unhappy - but you appear to be unhappy for her, which is really not what she needs. My DD doesn’t have a best friend in school - there is a close knit group of 3-4 of them and they pair off for different things sometimes - my DD and one of the group are in the same maths class so will get together to do homework, she’ll meet another one because they particularly like the cake in a particular local coffee shop, etc. Her closest friend lives 6 miles away and goes to a different school but they do the same sport together and spend weekends watching YouTube videos of other people doing that sport. Friendship comes in all shapes and sizes and the drive to have the cliquey ‘best friend’ isn’t really in her interests right now. Think about how you can change your expectations and support her.

I think I’m your position I would go look at other schools. Even slightly outside your area. It sounds like she needs a bigger peer group

I was in your position 3 years ago when DD1 was 8. She was at a small village school and didn't have a best friend and, like you, I was heartbroken when she couldn't think of anyone who would want to come for a play date. I made the decision to move her and I can honestly say it was one of the worst decisions I've ever made as a parent. For the last 3 years of her time at primary, she was the outsider constantly on the periphery of some very established friendships that she could never infiltrate. She's now started at secondary and already has 3 good friends that she talks about and wants to meet outside of school. It's a really big secondary school and, finally, she's found people that she connects with. My advice to you would not be to rush into changing schools but instead to encourage activities outside of school like Brownies/sports clubs where she can feel like 'one of the team' somewhere. IME, it will get easier at secondary. Sending love. I know how heartbreaking this can be!

How social are you and your DH?

Is your area isolated and not have a lot of children?

I also had this issue pre-covid, I even posted on here, like you for advice. The advice I got overwhelmingly was to move her. Luckily we had another larger school (although still one form entry) in the next village. My DD was happy enough at her old school and never asked to move but I could see she was missing out on such an important part of the primary experience by having no close friends, no playdates, no birthday party invites etc. I took the plunge after the first lockdown as she had become even more isolated and disconnected from school. I also worried that maybe she wouldn't fit in at the new school either but i had to give it a go for her sake. Anyway for us it has been the right move, she almost immediately made a best friend and has a wider circle of good friends. She sounds similar to your daughter, bright, sociable and emotionally aware and these traits will make it easy for her to find her way in a new environment. It also helped that she knew a couple of the girls from the new school already from Rainbows , so definitely second brownies as a great afterschool option.

I would organize lots of play dates. At her age it is still possible to influence friendships. Invite different kids over every Friday or arrange to meet at the park. If it is just the case that she has been inadvertently being left out this should sort it out if they do like her its just they don't really notice her
Speak to the teacher and see if any of the other girls is in a similar position and see if they can par her up if possible with her. That or I would look to move her in the next school year. These things can become entrenched a little