My 8 year old daughter has no close friends

[Sallysay]

It's breaking my heart to see.
My daughter (8) attends a very small school with not many children in her year group. She had a best friend throughout the first 2 years of primary school who then rejected her at the end of year 1. Throughout year 2, my daughter still referred to the girl as her best friend whilst the girl didn't want to be best friends with her. She went through such a traumatic time with it as she seemed to really latch on to her. We really had to have a lot of discussions about what makes a friend and how a friendship works both ways. How we shouldn't really want to play with someone who tells us that she doesn't want to play with us every single day.

I could see why it didn't work out as they are very different and because of the small class size, there isn't an opportunity to make many friends. After lots of upset and a bit of grieving for a lost friendship, my daughter began playing with 2 other girls. She certainly isn't as attached to these girls as she was her previous best friend thankfully, but it hurts to see her left out such a lot. The 2 girls are best friends so if they ever choose partners in games or choose someone to sit by, they understandably choose each other and my girl gets left out.

What is hurting now is how my daughter has really become accustomed now to being rejected and being an outsider. It's normal to her now. She'll tell me how she gets partnered up with the teacher as if it's normal.

It's not that she's not liked. She's very bright and I would say respected by her class and was voted by them to be the class leader last year. She just isn't really close to any of the children in the class. She's become a bit of a loner since the rejection of her best friend. I'm guessing the rejection was probably down to her being so infatuated with her in the first place.

I get on well with the parents of some of the other girls (there are only 8 girls in the class in total) but they're not really my kind of people either so it's difficult to build friendships with them to help my daughter. I feel like she's been unlucky that there's nobody quite on her wave length in her class.

My eldest daughter (12) went to the same primary school and formed some great bonds with the girls in her group, as did the parents who are still friends too, but it's been an entirely different experience for my youngest daughter. I asked her who she would like to invite over for dinner one night after school and she said she didn't feel like she had anyone to ask 😥.

I want to help her. This can't be doing much for her self worth and self esteem. She's such a kind, friendly little girl, she deserves a good friend. But I'm not sure how to help her. Should I encourage bonds outside of school for now and hold out for high school? I've thought about changing schools but it seems drastic and the other school in the area is also a small one, so she may end up in a similar situation.

I think you should leave her be. She seems happy and well adjusted. I think you might be reading too much into psychological issues she might get - you might uproot her and still have the same issues. As other have said look for outside stuff like Brownies

I also think you might be projecting (as I have done too with my son who seemed to struggle to make friends). If she is happy just let her get on with being partnered by the teacher and be grateful you aren't hosting playdates left, right and centre with children who seem to have nothing in common with yours. My son once commented that he had to be partnered with whoever was left as everyone else had a best friend. I hid my sadness and heart-sinking feelings and reacted in a sympathetic but upbeat for the future way and now, at secondary school, he seems to have a small but tight group of friends. I think it's important not to let them feel they are letting you down somehow by not having friends. It's similar in our house in that his younger sisters are the direct opposite and nothing happens in their class that they are not a part of, so the contrast was very difficult for him. Also, you see how much fun they have with children their own age and worry that that hanging out with you/their siblings isn't enough. However, for some children, it is.

One of mine has struggled with friendships. She has ADHD and would rub other children up the wrong way or break rules of games etc. Not intentionally but because she was quite self centred. She was in a class with only 8 girls through primary (some left and others came but the total was always 8!). She had a best friend in year 1 but otherwise didn't, though the friend did stick by her more than some. But the low numbers worked to her advantage in some ways. She got invited to most of the girl's parties every year (guess most of the mums would have felt bad about leaving her out) and some boys parties. I was in bits about the issue but repeatedly reminded myself that dd was happy enough and didn't complain. She was very sociable and good at meeting playmates at the park, swimming pool etc. She made lots of transient friends at clubs and activities or on holidays. She got on better sometimes with younger or older girls.

I agonised over it all, promoted any friendships that I could etc. But looking back I think I worried too much. She's grown up now. She doesn't have a massive social group and isn't as outgoing as she once was, but she does have friends now, and did have best friends at different times during her teenage years.

I have had experience of lots of parents in this situation. They hoped it would get better but as their children got older, it just became more of an issue. My job role includes admissions and by Yr5 and 6 they ring me to ask to move to a bigger school and to see if we have any places. It's invariably moving children from a small school to a bigger one.

If things don't improve in the short term I would think about moving her.