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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dont know if this is a reason to leave

27 replies

Mary93 · 14/09/2021 19:20

Hey loveys just need some advice.. Feel so down right now.. Dc are asleep so im alone n feeling shit again

So recently me and my husband split for around 3 month due to him never communicating with me. He returns home from work quite late and by that time im actually asleep or ready for bed

I told him as we don't see eachother much i would like him to communicate with me in the day even just once.. He did say he would but he actually hasnt made any effort i still call him because i miss him in the day etc.. I do feel needy but i feel like we don't speak much.

I feel very lonely in our marriage, i love him alot but very empty. I do everything in the house n kids..

What do u think i should do.
I feel like leaving again but its really eating me up. I dont know what to do i have 2 dcs i dont want to break our family

OP posts:

Purplewithred · 14/09/2021 19:23

If he’’s happy living that way and you’ve left once then come back and he still hasn’t changed then I can’t see that things are going to change for the better in the future.

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 19:25

Why did you get back together?

Probablyinpain · 14/09/2021 19:25

Hi. Couldn't read and run. My I guess now Ex and father of my child moved out 3 days ago for many reasons but this being one of them. I felt like I always harassing him almost to talk to me. He was never here. Despite speaking about our issue multiple times, nothing ever changed.

I feel sad now but I feel like I made the right choice. Cemented by the fact that he doesn't even seem bothered or didn't bother to fight for the relationship. Just delfected the blame onto me.

I was suggested to write a pros and cons list if you feel this would help you. Good luck x

PalmarisLongus · 14/09/2021 19:28

You owe no one a relationship, if you're in one, even a marriage, you can leave for any reason at all.

Everything to one side, ask yourself if you are happy... If the answer is no, time to make a change.

JinglingHellsBells · 14/09/2021 19:36

what work does he do so he's home late?
Is it shifts?

Would you normally be up at that time?

Original poster

Mary93 · 14/09/2021 19:42

He said he was going to communicate to me often.. Which happened for 2 days @TheFoundations

@Probablyinpain yes id love that im sorry u was put in the same position im just so scared of doing everything om my own but if i ask myself dont i already do everything alone. I answer myself with a big yes. I just stay for our memories. I cant live like this i feel depressed

OP posts:

Probablyinpain · 14/09/2021 19:46

I too am sorry for your position. It's not a nice way to live. You can always DM me if you'd like support. I can say whole heartedly that I know how you feel. I have 2 children and yes I'm adapting to doing it all alone, I basically was anyway.
You also need to ask yourself these 2 questions. Is this the life you'd want forever? If you didn't have DC would you still be together?

Original poster

Mary93 · 14/09/2021 19:46

I also feel pressure from family they all say im at fault. As his working i should be patient. Let him come home when he wants etc, doesnt matter if hes not home for dinner etc. They also kept telling me single life wont be the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mary93 · 14/09/2021 19:49

I dont want this life. Its like im holding onto a big HOPE. I certainly would have left long time ago back 2 - 3 years ago as this has been happening for a long time. Ive just let it go as i kept telling myself he will mature. @Probablyinpain

OP posts:

CinstonWhurchill · 14/09/2021 19:55

Op, this all depends on a multitude of things. What are yr DP's working hours? What are your working hours? Are you both working long unsociable hrs?

Suchluck · 14/09/2021 20:03

It’s the mechanic isn’t it?.

Original poster

Mary93 · 14/09/2021 20:05

Just spoke to him and hes being very dismissive saying im always like this. Why does he need to communicate with me in the day. Saying im always looking 4 an argument

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 20:18

@Mary93

They're right, it won't. It'll be much better, because you'll still have all the same stuff to do, but you won't have Mr I-can't-be-arsed-with-you dragging you down.

Nobody gets to tell you what you should and shouldn't do in life. It's your life, and you make the rules. They're called your boundaries. And if anybody wants to tell you that you're causing any kind of trouble for upholding your boundaries, then that's a person who doesn't respect you, and you need to show them the door. The only people you want around you are those who respect you.

WithLargeTableMouse · 14/09/2021 20:25

You say that you don’t want to break up your family but this isn’t any kind of family life you’re living now is it? And that’s down to him not prioritising family life not you, he’s the one breaking up the family not you.
Personally I’d rather feel lonely because I was actually single than because I had a partner who didn’t bother to spend time with me and our children.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/09/2021 21:28

What's his job/industry op? Is he self employed and working all the hours god sends to keep a roof over your heads, or is he choosing to make himself busy to avoid having to do owt around the house/parent his children?

Does he have days off - what happens then?

GoodnightGrandma · 14/09/2021 21:29

I have been very lonely in my marriage, so I get it.
As nothing has changed and you’re still unhappy, why stay ?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/09/2021 21:31

And certainly it's a reason to leave if you're not happy. You don't have to stay in a relationship with anyone based on what your family think. If they love him so much they can marry him!

My question about his hours and job is more to establish if this is a temporary situation which will improve once he's got a promotion / established his business / met a financial goal, or whether he's simply ducking out of family life.

Original poster

Mary93 · 14/09/2021 21:38

He just got in and ignored me.. So hurt told me he doesnt care im petty for even mentioning how he dont communicate with me.. I called him once today. He said im messing with his mental health and its not a joke..!!! Am i that bad god

OP posts:

Original poster

Mary93 · 14/09/2021 21:40

Hes self employed but has been saying for the past 2 years it will improve by this month ive heard it many time. He says his working towards a mortgage.. But i do pay for everything with my maternity @EvenMoreFuriousVexation

OP posts:

Original poster

Mary93 · 14/09/2021 21:41

His also annoyed by the fact that dinner wasnt enough to fill him up.. I told him im not his maid. So now hes being very dismissive

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 21:44

@Mary93

Even if you were that bad, he's responsible for himself, so the right thing to do would be to leave you, not stay in a relationship with you and criticise you.

givinglessfucksdaily · 14/09/2021 21:45

@Suchluck I do think it's the mechanic

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2021 21:57

I hope he earns enough to pay his share, do you really pay for everything with your maternity. That must be difficult for you.

category12 · 14/09/2021 22:31

It doesn't sound like he's much of a parent or partner.

What is he actually showing the children that's worth staying in the relationship for?

updownroundandround · 15/09/2021 07:08

I agree it definitely sounds like the 'mechanic'

If it is you again, you need to know that nothing will change until you change it !

You're not happy, so why the hell do you stay ?

The children see how unhappy you are, and it is affecting them !

Do you want your children to grow up and have relationships the same as yours ? Do you want your girl to think that she is worthless ? Do you want your boy to grow up and treat his wife the same ?

You are showing them a totally horrible 'relationship' is 'normal'

Please think about the life both you and your children deserve, and stop trying to achieve it with a worthless man !

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