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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunken kiss

43 replies

Heartbroken2323 · 14/09/2021 13:38

So I’ve been with my boyfriend 12 years, we are very happy (we’re very happy) always felt so lucky to have found such a gentleman.
This is why I am so annoyed and hurt that I could behave in such a manner.
I went out on Friday night and kissed someone I dated back in the day, the kiss lasted a couple of seconds, I pulled away and regretted it: we had only just linked lips. There are no feels involved and I have never done anything like this in the past no matter how drunk I have got:
My partner later on collected me an when I got in the car it’s the first thing that come out of my mouth, I had to tell him.
I have really really hurt him and it’s tearing me up, I can not see anyone, I usually work I can’t attend work, I’m not sleeping at all and not eating. I’m beside myself. My OH wants to let it go and move on, it’s going to take time to heal but he wants too.
I’m not sure I can forgive myself… I currently hate myself. I feel like I’ve let him down, everything I’ve proven to be these past 12 years I feel could be destroyed. Everything we have built could be destroyed. We have a family, we have a home. I don’t know where or what to do from here

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 14/09/2021 13:45

Do you imagine that you’re infallible OP? Do you think you can make it through a whole life and not cock up or make a mistake ? You’re response seems way over the top given what happened. You made a mistake, you owned up and now you need to move on. There’s nothing to be gained in beating yourself up about it anymore.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 13:45

All you've done is proven that you're human and fallible amd you owned up to it immediately.

You've told him and he was upset but said he wants to move on from it.

You can't go to work because of a silly drunk kiss that didn't really happen at all if you stopped it as quickly as you say?

You're being a bit of a drama queen about it tbh.

Suzi888 · 14/09/2021 13:52

I don’t think YABU to be honest, once the trust has gone it’s hard to build up again.
If you were the man locking lips, there would be an LTB response.

Luckily you are a woman, partner wants to move on, you’ve confessed, apologised and you feel awful about it.
Are you sure it was only a kiss? because not eating, sleeping or attending work sounds like there was more? Hmm

If not, you need to put it behind you now and don’t do it again. Don’t text the other person or talk on social media. You can’t take it back, so unless there’s more going on here then you need to move on.

Honeymare · 14/09/2021 13:57

Oh FGS let it go. It was a mistake, you confessed, move on. Do you think if you forgive yourself you are giving your partner permission to do something similar?

FawnDrench · 14/09/2021 14:03

You need to find some perspective from somewhere and get over yourself - this is a massive overreaction on your part.
Are you always this painstakingly over-the-top soul-searching when you make a mistake or have a slip up?
I hope not...

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 14:19

Tbh, if you were my partner, I'd find all of the dramatic self flagellation far more difficult to get past than your initial mistake.

yousawthewholeofthemoon · 14/09/2021 14:23

You are making this all about you rather than about your partner, if I was your other half and having to reassure you a lot I would get fed up pretty quickly.

Original poster
Heartbroken2323 · 14/09/2021 14:41

Thank you for all of your messages. Maybe I am being over the top, but I’m heartbroken to the fact that I’ve hurt him so much.
I am only human but I have never made such a mistake where I have truly hurt someone that I love so much. & I’m not sure how to deal with it.
I was posting on here to see if couples have had a similar experience and have gotten past it.
It was definitely only a kiss, like I said that lasted seconds before stopping.
Some
People might think that’s nothing, but we are a happy couple that has a fantastic relationship & get on great. There was no need to make that silly mistake & I know I deserve the way I feel.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2021 14:44

Well why did you do it?

The dramatic victim routine is a bit much and self indulgent. Not eating or going to work, who’s that helping and when are you going to get a grip?

Describing yourself as hurt because of your own poor behaviour is very odd. Only one person should be hurt the long term partner you were unfaithful to. If he’s over it the least you can do is stop wailing and grovelling and get back to work.

girlmom21 · 14/09/2021 14:49

I think you're lying to yourself about there not being any feelings involved to be honest.

A kiss doesn't just happen. There has to be a build up. You have to be close enough for a kiss to be able to happen.

That's the reason you're hating yourself IMO.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2021 14:51

You are making this all about you rather than about your partner, if I was your other half and having to reassure you a lot I would get fed up pretty quickly.

This. What you need to do is a proper confession (done), apology (done) and a genuine self-inventory to work out why so you never do it again (not done). What you're doing isn't helpful.

Self inventory, let me give you some things to start with:

Do you have a drinking issue?
Do you have leftover feelings for the kisser?
Are you feeling flat, stale, ignored, unexcited or bored in your relationship?
Do you have any impulse control issues?

And go from there. No one genuinely happy in a happy relationship with no issues kisses someone else. If you aren't honest you'll do it again. Stop wailing and gnashing teeth and be honest and calm.

Original poster
Heartbroken2323 · 14/09/2021 15:01

What was I thinking coming on a thread and expressing how I feel in this day and age!
I was not looking for sympathy, I know I’m not the victim, i know I shouldn’t be the one feeling so low, but I am. I can’t help the way i feel. I don’t want to not sleep at night, I don’t not want to be able to work, I want to eat im just struggling atm.
It was a kiss, to some it might seem small but to me it’s huge there are no feelings involved I truly love my other half with every inch of me. I do not speak to the OP via text, call or social media.
Thank you for all your lovely opinions

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2021 15:09

What was I thinking coming on a thread and expressing how I feel in this day and age!

You're deflecting, which is exactly what the other behaviour is about. Proper self-inventory. That's what you need.

Original poster
Heartbroken2323 · 14/09/2021 15:12

Thank you!

OP posts:
Dery · 14/09/2021 15:13

"You're deflecting, which is exactly what the other behaviour is about. Proper self-inventory. That's what you need."

This.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2021 16:03

Again, why did you do it?

FlumpsAreShit · 14/09/2021 16:17

Have you 'really really' hurt him or are you dramatising? I'm not sure I can imagine DH or I get so upset over a drunken kiss if it was a one off, nothing else and no emotional affair or anything else. Or am I missing something?

Original poster
Heartbroken2323 · 14/09/2021 16:43

I’ve obviously come to the wrong thread here.
A drunken kiss is obviously nothing to some!
I am not dramatizing anything. How rude.

& Anne- I don’t know why I don’t know how but it happened. I was extremely drunk, no excuse either.

OP posts:
scoopgalore · 14/09/2021 17:02

You reeeeeeally need to stop making this all about you!

SmileyClare · 14/09/2021 17:12

My oh wants to let it go and move on

Forgive yourself and move on.

All this self flagellation is just going to drive a wedge between you and your partner and will make this a massive issue for him.

You're not showing him you're sorry, you're showing him there's a major issue you can't move on from.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2021 17:12

It’s your thread, you’ve posted and people have replied. If these extreme feelings and behaviours are a new thing for you then maybe see speak to your GP. I’d be livid if my husband kissed someone else, he’d feel the same if I did it. So I’m certainly not saying it’s no big deal. But your subsequent behaviour is probably forcing him to neglect his own feelings while you’re having this disproportionate reaction and he’s no doubt concerned about your wellbeing.

You’ve got kids and a job you’re currently neglecting because you’re so wrapped up in your emotions. You have to realise how that looks.

Thewookiemustgo · 14/09/2021 17:18

For some people, OP, crossing a line that goes below their own high moral standards is a horrible experience. It might get coloured by religious views, unresolved guilt issues, hangovers from strict parenting where you were either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ with nothing in between. The realisation that you have dropped way below your expectations of yourself, of your image of yourself in this relationship, has clearly spiralled you into a depression. “Just a kiss” for some can be as devastating for the psyche as going as far as illicit sex is for others.
This isn’t about the kiss, OP, it’s about the huge reaction you have had to guilt issues, even having confessed and been forgiven. I think you need to get to the bottom of this and learn that making poor choices in the heat of the moment can be sadly part of the human condition. Fallibility will happen, it’s what you do next that counts. You were honest, apologised and are clearly remorseful. That should have been the end of it and you should have learned from it and moved on.
The fact that you haven’t, and that you feel so terrible you can’t bear to show your face anywhere, is your real problem. Find a good counsellor and explore your belief systems around good/ bad and guilt/ forgiveness. You’ll be ok OP, but you need to get help about the above issues and not worry what a bunch of randoms think about whether the kids was a big deal or not. The only people this matters to is your partner and you. He’s ok with it, you really, really aren’t. When your mental health starts affecting your ability to live your life and enjoy things, you need help. There’s more to this than meets the eye I feel. Good luck OP, try to be kind to yourself in the interim but please get help. X

Thewookiemustgo · 14/09/2021 17:19

Kiss not kids. 🙄

TheHouseIsOnFire · 14/09/2021 17:20

Yeah it sounds a bit like you’re enjoying all the drama this has created tbh. Let it go, your partner has (or at least will in time). It’s a self fulfilling prophecy here - the more you make a big deal of it and keep going over it and being so OTT the more chance you WILL ruin your relationship, as your DP will soon lose sympathy with you if you make it all about your own guilt and not about how he feels. His feelings are a passing mention in your posts. It’s all about you. Stop for a moment and put yourself in his Shoes. A drunken kiss isn’t nothing of course. But if he immediately told you, was genuinely sorry and had done some self reflection would you hold it against him?

On the other hand if he went into a tailspin, made himself ill over it, took time off work, couldn’t sleep etc. might you just think there’s more to this than a drunken kiss - “he seems totally floored by it. Maybe he’s struggling with the relationship, maybe he’s wishing he was with the kissee. Maybe more happened than he’s admitted to, otherwise why is he so cut up about it. And what about MY feelings here? Are they not as important as his?!”

You’re going to push him away with all this angst. He’s forgiven you. Forgive yourself, move on, don’t drink so much next time you’re out if you can’t trust yourself.

gannett · 14/09/2021 17:26

I know I deserve the way I feel

Wallowing much?

OP you've written a LOT of words about how terrible you feel but not many about your partner, or what you're going to DO about this in the future.

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