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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Drunken kiss

43 replies

Heartbroken2323 · 14/09/2021 13:38

So I’ve been with my boyfriend 12 years, we are very happy (we’re very happy) always felt so lucky to have found such a gentleman.
This is why I am so annoyed and hurt that I could behave in such a manner.
I went out on Friday night and kissed someone I dated back in the day, the kiss lasted a couple of seconds, I pulled away and regretted it: we had only just linked lips. There are no feels involved and I have never done anything like this in the past no matter how drunk I have got:
My partner later on collected me an when I got in the car it’s the first thing that come out of my mouth, I had to tell him.
I have really really hurt him and it’s tearing me up, I can not see anyone, I usually work I can’t attend work, I’m not sleeping at all and not eating. I’m beside myself. My OH wants to let it go and move on, it’s going to take time to heal but he wants too.
I’m not sure I can forgive myself… I currently hate myself. I feel like I’ve let him down, everything I’ve proven to be these past 12 years I feel could be destroyed. Everything we have built could be destroyed. We have a family, we have a home. I don’t know where or what to do from here

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 14/09/2021 17:35

I agree, see your gp if you can't function. This seems to have triggered some sort of breakdown in you.

Moving forwards, you can aim to be constructive in mending the trust between you and your partner if you think that has been damaged. You can allow him access to your phone or social media. Perhaps plan some couple time away from your family to reconnect.

Your reaction is quite concerning. Nothing is black and white, good or bad as a poster has already pointed out. No relationship is perfect and you haven't "destroyed" everything. Try to examine why you're holding on to such idealistic notions.

You owe it to your partner and children to find a way to start functioning, eating, returning to your job and to find some way to work through this with your partner.
Be honest with yourself; are you subconsciously attempting to sabotage your relationship? Not from the drunken kiss but by immediately confessing and making this into a deal breaker by your subsequent behaviour.

Theworldishard · 14/09/2021 18:06

@AnneLovesGilbert

Well why did you do it?

The dramatic victim routine is a bit much and self indulgent. Not eating or going to work, who’s that helping and when are you going to get a grip?

Describing yourself as hurt because of your own poor behaviour is very odd. Only one person should be hurt the long term partner you were unfaithful to. If he’s over it the least you can do is stop wailing and grovelling and get back to work.

This

OP only you know what you did it. I'm afraid if you were my partner that would be it. Done. The trust has gone, drink or no drink. What were you thinking?

Theworldishard · 14/09/2021 18:06

Why*

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 18:09

My oh wants to let it go and move on

If that's the case and he's as wonderful as you've said and you love him as much as you've said then you need to honour his request to let it go and move on.

Even if you still have to internally deal with the guilt, maybe with some counselling as it has deeply unsettled you, but you can't keep making it a present topic of discussion with your partner, even if you're saying sorry all the time. It just reminds him of something that caused him pain but he wishes to move on from.

Show him you're truly sorry by putting his wishes first and moving on, with support from other people not him if you need it.

category12 · 14/09/2021 18:49

Go to work tomorrow and stop letting your anxiety dictate to you. It'll do you good to act normally, even if you don't feel normal.

Part of this is the beer fear.

ShuddaBeenMe · 14/09/2021 18:52

Honestly you're making this into a mountain. Not going to work is v v OTT

Marineboy67 · 14/09/2021 20:08

Your partner may well come to the conclusion that due to your extreme reaction, there was more to this than just a kiss. That's the another thing worth considering.

FuckingFabulous · 14/09/2021 21:25

How much space in your marriage are you going to give to this bloke you feel nothing for?

Oh, and when my ex did this- the tearful confession and then did the days of depression and poor me, my poor wounded soul, how can I have so far offended thee routine, it got fucking old, fucking fast. He betrayed ME and I suddenly had to pander to his Big Feelings on the issue. That's what motivated me to move from forgiveness to rage. The path you're treading garners no sympathy.

MrsMaizel · 14/09/2021 21:28

You should have kept your mouth shut on both occasions.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/09/2021 21:38

@GreyCarpet

Tbh, if you were my partner, I'd find all of the dramatic self flagellation far more difficult to get past than your initial mistake.

Absolutely agree with this. I'd also be well pissed off if I was your manager!

Do you always hold yourself to impossible standards? Have a think about whether this is a pattern of anxiety (often a result of an upbringing by perfectionist parents who withheld praise unless you excelled at everything) or whether this has triggered some deeply held beliefs about performing monogamy (which most people are shit at) which are causing you to catastrophize this frankly trivial mistake.

Daisy1812 · 14/09/2021 21:46

Wow, forget it. It happens. Maybe you need to get in the real world?

Zeal · 14/09/2021 23:40

@Marineboy67

Your partner may well come to the conclusion that due to your extreme reaction, there was more to this than just a kiss. That's the another thing worth considering.

What? Like a shag do you mean?

Mary1Mary · 15/09/2021 00:07

Cut the shit op. A lot happens between people before they start kissing. There's generally lots of flirting, eye contact, non sexual touching.

The drama and hand wringing is really off. Many cheaters partially confess to a "kiss" when it is actually much more. They don't do this out of guilt but rather the need for drama.

How did you happen to be in the company of your ex? Did you arrange to meet him? Did you flirt and kiss him in front of your friends?

me4real · 15/09/2021 00:28

Try and think why now? Is something different happening in your life or thought processes than in the last 12 years? Are you missing your youth?

One thing you can do to try and prevent it happening again @Heartbroken2323 is to try and make sure you don't get that drunk again around people. You will feel better for knowing you're doing something to prevent it. x

layladomino · 15/09/2021 08:01

I have a relative who almost this exact thing happened to a long time ago (think 3+ decades) . Very happy couple. She was out on what was then a rare night out. Had a bit to drink. An old flame walked past her and they both went in for a polite Hello kiss, but for just a few seconds it became something more.

Immediately regretted it and went home early. Told her DH who was pragmatic about it. She felt bad but also respected that her DH was happy to move on and trusted her. 4 children later they are still a very happy couple. I wouldn't have even thought of the incident if I hadn't read your op.

Your DP has forgiven you so the respectful thing to do - for him - is to move on and stop letting it affect you. I'm with others here - not going to work and making yourself ill appears to be a big reaction to this and would suggest there might be something else bothering you - even sub consciously. If you can't get past that feeling very quickly then it might be worth seeking some help.

But start focussing on your DP and what they want. They want to move on, and back to the happy relationship. As a pp said, if I were them and you kept being affected by it, I would start to think there was more to it, and would be annoyed that you kept reminding me about it.

Blowingahoolly · 17/09/2021 17:03

Personally I wouldnae worry

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/09/2021 17:05

Tbh if my partner kissed someone else I'd end it.

5128gap · 17/09/2021 22:51

Your behaviour since is what you should be ashamed of. Its actually very manipulative. You're so beside yourself you leave your partner nowhere to go as there's nothing he can say that's as bad as the things you're saying and doing to yourself. Result, he says nothing and forgives you as you're suffering enough. Its really unfair. He's the injured party not you, and its his feelings that should be priority, not yours. If you're really sorry, stop thinking about yourself and start making amends by respecting his wishes and moving on.

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