Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very confused

73 replies

Nobodyelsewill · 13/09/2021 23:00

Me and my partner have been on a break from each other for a while now, he has been messaging me a lot lately wanting us to get back together but I haven’t been certain I want too, but I did invite him to come for a chat Saturday evening, he messaged back he can but not for long as his dog will be left alone, I’m fed up with him always putting the dog first, he has all through the relationship it’s one of the reasons we went on a break. Not sure what I want anymore.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/09/2021 00:23

He knows fine well you're right op but he will never admit it because he would rather you thought you were being unreasonable, so that you continue to tolerate his bullshit.

Stop wasting your breath talking about it with him. He wont change, because he doesn't want to.

Dont take him back. You'll get the same old shit forevermore. Probably worse too because you'll have shown him you are willing to ignore your needs in order to keep him.

He's not worth the effort. Cut him loose for good. Just a simple 'on further consideration, it seems clear that you are not willing to work on the relationships issues so I have decided we should go our separate ways for good' text would be perfectly fair tbh. No need to meet him for a guilt trip, just take the easiest route to calling it a day.

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 00:27

just dump this loser

Original poster
Nobodyelsewill · 14/09/2021 07:28

@Pinkbonbon

He knows fine well you're right op but he will never admit it because he would rather you thought you were being unreasonable, so that you continue to tolerate his bullshit.

Stop wasting your breath talking about it with him. He wont change, because he doesn't want to.

Dont take him back. You'll get the same old shit forevermore. Probably worse too because you'll have shown him you are willing to ignore your needs in order to keep him.

He's not worth the effort. Cut him loose for good. Just a simple 'on further consideration, it seems clear that you are not willing to work on the relationships issues so I have decided we should go our separate ways for good' text would be perfectly fair tbh. No need to meet him for a guilt trip, just take the easiest route to calling it a day.

I'm just mixed up about him, as he has shown in the past he can be very thoughtful, he has bought me some lovely gifts for birthday/Christmas no one has bought me anything like that before.
OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/09/2021 07:45

They were 'put up and shut up' gifts.

It really doesn't matter either way op as your lifestyles are not compatable.

A nice watch and a set of fancy toiletries shouldn't equate to 6 months of your life spent with someone who couldn't give a fig about your needs.

You know who also buys people nice gifts? Narcissists (npd) and con artists during 'love bombing' phases of the abuse cycle. In order to make you think 'he treats me like shit but oh, he must care about me deep down...be cause he bout me XYZ...right... ...?' Nope!

Pinkbonbon · 14/09/2021 07:46

*bought

Original poster
Nobodyelsewill · 14/09/2021 07:55

@Pinkbonbon

They were 'put up and shut up' gifts.

It really doesn't matter either way op as your lifestyles are not compatable.

A nice watch and a set of fancy toiletries shouldn't equate to 6 months of your life spent with someone who couldn't give a fig about your needs.

You know who also buys people nice gifts? Narcissists (npd) and con artists during 'love bombing' phases of the abuse cycle. In order to make you think 'he treats me like shit but oh, he must care about me deep down...be cause he bout me XYZ...right... ...?' Nope!

What hurts the most is when my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer earlier this year, he hasn't really supported me at all, when I asked him why he replied "because it brings back memories of when my father passed away from it I find it difficult to deal with" which I get but I needed him but then not sure if I should understand where he's coming from too, I just don't know.
OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/09/2021 08:05

Ugh, yup, narcissist alert. Everything's all about me me me with their kind.

OP he doesn't even meet basic friend standard. Let alone someone you should date.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 14/09/2021 08:13

His past grief is so distressing he can't possibly be expected to find any empathy for your raw new grief?! This is his perspective. Hmmm. This isn't something that you need to find greater understanding for. Caring people use their own experiences to provide better support and understanding for fellow sufferers not less.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 14/09/2021 08:14

Grief for your father's diagnosis that is.

FlowerArranger · 14/09/2021 08:17

@Nobodyelsewill - you are lacking self esteem. Read Nathaniel Barden's book: The 6 Pillars of Self Esteem.

layladomino · 14/09/2021 08:20

Buying a few nice presents to keep someone sweet is the easiest thing in the world. And it's working for him. You are genuinely thinking of staying a relationship that makes you unhappy (with a man who wouldn't support you when you Dad was very ill) because he's bought some nice presents and done the odd nice thing?

Your posts sound like you really don't like him that much and don't want to be with him, but are worrying that it wouldn't be fair to leave him.

He wasn't worried about your feelings when your Dad found out he was so ill, yet you're worried about his.?

Please just leave. You don't have to have any reason other than it isn't making you happy anymore.

He's a grown man. He'll be fine. He has his number 1 love (his dog) for company anyway!

Original poster
Nobodyelsewill · 14/09/2021 08:38

I feel after reading these posts it's him not me, I haven't really felt the same about him since my dads diagnosis, the day I found out, he announced he had to isolate because someone's phone at work instructed them to isolate, he said he was sorry it was bad timing but seemed in good spirits. The next day was a Saturday he messaged me once in the morning to see if I had slept, then I heard nothing from him for the whole day until about 22.45 that night when he decided to call, just thought to myself that's not acceptable.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 14/09/2021 08:55

It's always useful to sound things out with objective people who don't have a stake in the situation. It's so easy to get knotted up in the persuasions of someone who is invested in lettings things as they are and just needs to find a way to turn off your annoying criticisms.
This isn't one of those grey area situations where there are pros and cons for withe decision. I think it's pretty clear to anyone reading this thread that you would never regret ending this relationship. Your main problem is stopping doubting your own judgement and feeling guilty about upsetting him (not something he struggles with the other way round)

namechange30455 · 14/09/2021 09:09

Raise your standards. He bought you nice presents. So what, he treats you like shit the rest of the time.

Just because no-one else has done something nice for you before doesn't mean you have to settle down with the first bloke who does no matter how crap the rest of him is.

You've never had to isolate because someone else at work got pinged by the app either, that's just bollocks that he told you because he couldn't be arsed to see you.

Original poster
Nobodyelsewill · 14/09/2021 09:15

@namechange30455

Raise your standards. He bought you nice presents. So what, he treats you like shit the rest of the time.

Just because no-one else has done something nice for you before doesn't mean you have to settle down with the first bloke who does no matter how crap the rest of him is.

You've never had to isolate because someone else at work got pinged by the app either, that's just bollocks that he told you because he couldn't be arsed to see you.

He was telling the truth as he sent me a picture of him working from home with his dog sat at the table apparently helping 🙄
OP posts:
Original poster
Nobodyelsewill · 14/09/2021 09:18

But yeah he is grim how he treats me I have to end it now and get on with my life, concentrate on my dad.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 09:44

@Nobodyelsewill

But am I been unfair about the dog?
Who do you want and don't want in a relationship?

Your preferences aren't about 'fair' and 'unfair'. They're about you being who you are, and you respecting them, in order that you can be happy. If you decide you don't like people who wear red, then you can choose not to be around people who wear red. It's only unfair if you try to 'make' a person not wear red so that you can handle being around them.

Would you feel like it's unfair to broccoli if you don't like to eat it? Or would you just avoid eating broccoli and accept that it's your preference?

This is the same: you don't want a partner who places such a high priority on their dog, so avoid partners who place a high priority on their dog.

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 09:46

it's him not me

It's not about whose 'fault' it is. Respect your feelings. Someone can be 100% right and so can you, and you can still be unhappy and want out.

Original poster
Nobodyelsewill · 14/09/2021 20:20

@TheFoundations

it's him not me

It's not about whose 'fault' it is. Respect your feelings. Someone can be 100% right and so can you, and you can still be unhappy and want out.

I understand what your saying it makes sense and has made me look at the situation from a different view.
OP posts:
Original poster
Nobodyelsewill · 14/09/2021 20:40

Also something is bothering me what he did it is of a sexual nature I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post it on here?

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 14/09/2021 20:57

Don't share unless you want to and you feel it would help make sense of things. But if sharing would make you feel emotionally exposed and no clearer than you ashtray are, don't.
Don't think there are any taboo's on mn. Though if it is graphic you ought to put a trigger warning on it.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 14/09/2021 20:57

Ashtray = already

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 20:59

If you want to post something but you're not sure if MN will have rules about it, report your own post. MN will have a look at it, and might alter your thread title or something.

Original poster
Nobodyelsewill · 14/09/2021 21:22

Trigger warning
I just want to know if this is normal behaviour in a relationship, we were on holiday I was sitting on his seat in his camper van with my feet up, I was wearing a dress and he was standing in front of me he just started staring up my dress and was getting turned on making gestures with his lips if you know what I mean, I didn't really know what to do it made me feel uncomfortable, just want to know if other peoples partners do this sort of thing? Sorry if this is to much to post.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 14/09/2021 21:32

No, that’s not normal, it’s vulgar and objectifying. I’ve dated some very questionable specimens but even the worst haven’t salivated over me like a horny schoolboy who’s just found his first bit of porn