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Original poster

Big age gap, would you date?

77 replies

GooodMythicalMorning · 12/09/2021 23:00

Recently a guy has shown interest in me, bought me a birthday present and asked me out for coffee (we haven't been out yet.) We have loads in common and chat for ages when we bump into each other but there is a big age gap, possibly 20 years (I haven't asked but when he found out how old I was on my birthday he commented he was old enough to be my dad.) He's not my normal type but seems super sweet. I'm just not sure if age will be a problem. Im mid 30s.

OP posts:
olivermcfuddling · 13/09/2021 16:47

I would...i was in a similar positon in my 30's...i didnt back then......i have always wondered. What if

Hawkins001 · 13/09/2021 18:05

All the best op, for me it was the other way round I was in 20's and lady in late 40's although it was more of a mural friendship with extras, rather than a full relation relationship.

Fireblanket · 13/09/2021 18:15

I'm 50 and my boyfriend is 66. It works for now but I'm not sure long term (we've been together 3 years and 3 years about 6 years ago, if that makes sense!).
We don't live together and I don't think I'd want to do that as he will inevitably age before me. As it stands at the moment we both enjoy similar things but I know there'll come a time when he won't want to or will be too old to do the same things I do (and, tbh, his friends are really boring!) and I don't know how / if we'll navigate our way round that.
Incidentally, he is more concerned about the age gap then I am.

TheVanguardSix · 13/09/2021 18:34

Don't settle for limp dick and grey pubes, OP.

TheVanguardSix · 13/09/2021 18:36

most men, however they appear or come across, are very much becoming 'old men' in their 50s either mentally, socially or physically.

This.

Don’t want to make a blanket generalisation, but on average women in their 50s and 60s take care of themselves more physically, keep up with the world, are outgoing, vivacious, active, and interesting. Men, not so much at all

All of this!! ALL OF THIS is entirely and deeply true.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 13/09/2021 18:41

most men, however they appear or come across, are very much becoming 'old men' in their 50s either mentally, socially or physically.

This. Doubly so if you’re considering more kids - don’t go there.

RantyAunty · 13/09/2021 18:43

Is he someone you work with?

rubyandbel · 13/09/2021 18:55

I'm shocked by these comments. Iv been with my husband 20 years and there is 18 years difference. Hes handsome, fit, has a very active job and I can honestly say no difference in performance in the bedroom. If anything I wish he would calm down as I'm knackered lol

We have had a very good relationship and would dread to think of the loss of a happy life had I of listened to some people's concerns.

Regarding old age and poor health, well that could happen to any of us. Quality over quantity.

Dont rule anything out until you have tried it. Oh and we have 3 children, the last one born when he was 54!

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 13/09/2021 19:06

It depends on the person. My DH is 25 years older than me, we’ve been together 20 years! He is far fitter than me, is in several cycling clubs which he loves and people are generally shocked to hear he is in his 70’s.
Things are not perfect but what is? We took a chance and for the most part things are good.
If you have a mutual attraction, take it slowly and see how it develops. I found our age gap weird in the beginning but it’s not a massive thing as time goes on. We have a 10 year old dd together, and both have an older dc and we all get on well.

EarthSight · 13/09/2021 19:12

@litterbird

A cautionary tale from a very good friend of mine....married her man who was 20 years older than she was when she was mid 30s. She is a vivacious mid 50s woman who would run marathons, theatre trips, lunches out with friends. Now, (with paid help )she is a carer for her mid 70s husband who has dementia and needs almost 24/7 care. She is devastated about this and quietly regrets not listening to her parents and friends who warned her about dating then marrying someone with such an age gap. She is on anti depressants, gave up her career to help her husband. I wouldn't go for a coffee or anything with this man....he is too old for you. There are many men around your age to find.
This.

Also, I know you're on here OP to ask advice, but are you going to take any of it seriously?

You say you're drawn to him? What is that exactly OP? Are you hoping he's your mysterious older man soulmate? Do you find him comforting to be around because he's much older than you, and you think he's mature? I think you're curious about him and I'm not sure if any of us will have an influence on you.

Come on OP. As a woman in your mid-40s like you will be a decade, do you seriously want to be with a mid-60s man??? Some people are ok until they reach a certain age and then all of a sudden they go down hill. That could happen in the next 5 years. Brill for him if he has an able, dedicated, lovely young carer. Not so brill for you.

EarthSight · 13/09/2021 19:17

@rubyandbel

I'm shocked by these comments. Iv been with my husband 20 years and there is 18 years difference. Hes handsome, fit, has a very active job and I can honestly say no difference in performance in the bedroom. If anything I wish he would calm down as I'm knackered lol

We have had a very good relationship and would dread to think of the loss of a happy life had I of listened to some people's concerns.

Regarding old age and poor health, well that could happen to any of us. Quality over quantity.

Dont rule anything out until you have tried it. Oh and we have 3 children, the last one born when he was 54!

Regarding old age and poor health, well that could happen to any of us

Umm well no, it couldn't, could it @rubyandbel ?

First of all, with the 'it could happen to any of us' comment. That's something that will happen, and it will happen to him first, by quite a long stretch. That puts her in a guarantee vulnerable position.

Physical poor health is also far more likely as you get older, not to mention something as devastating as dementia.

I'm pleased that you have a fulfilling, joyful marriage, but you also need to be careful you don't steer women in the wrong direction because you're sensitive about what others think about the age gap in your own marriage.

Young women need to take these kinds of issues very seriously, and for every good experience like yours, there will be many other women who bitterly regret making the same choice.

Lan2020 · 13/09/2021 20:12

My partne ris 17 years older. Honestly run whilst you can!
In fairness, not all men are the same and there will be older men that are fit, active and young at heart.
I'm 34 and look after myself physically and still feel I'm starting my life. My partner moans constantly and treats me like a slave because I'm younger. If I'm ill, in pain, just given birth...doesn't matter. He's useless.

SGBK4682 · 13/09/2021 20:56

I'm probably older than the man you are talking about and my DH is the same age as me. I find him somewhat boring at times and get irritated with his minor ailments! Some of my friends and family members irritate me for similar reasons. I never had a relationship with anyone more than about 3 years older and never would have done. Being at a similar life stage was always important to me. If I had the opportunity I would go for a man in his mid forties now!

EarthSight · 13/09/2021 22:52

@TheVanguardSix @TheWayTheLightFalls So would you make the case for dating someone a decade younger, so you age at a similar time when you're older? 😁

Can't imagine it myself. For one thing, younger men are even more porn-sick. Many have never known sex or a time without it. They've basically been watching it since 11 or 12. Grim.

ZednotZee · 13/09/2021 23:25

@EarthSight

Divorced middle aged men are the worst of the lot re porn ime. Death grip and ED to boot.

No thanks.

FindingMeno · 13/09/2021 23:28

I wouldn't go for that sort of age gap personally.
OK if you're young and in a short-term relationship, but if you stayed together long term ageing at different rates is much harder.

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 13/09/2021 23:42

Definitely taking it seriously, hence why I asked. Im not rushing into anything.

OP posts:
BasicDad · 14/09/2021 00:17

Love the user name @GooodMythicalMorninG

You should definitely go for it. It's quite a heavy age gap for sure, but past 35 men are in all kinds of physical and mental condition.

From my experience dating through my early 40s, there was a range of maturity and life stage around very late 20s (28+) that meant the age gap wasn't really much of a thing.

I ended up with my partner of only 8 years younger. But she acted much like someone in their late 20s and was previously adamant that she wouldn't go for anyone in my age range, until she met me!

Go for it. Could be the love of your life 😊

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/09/2021 00:59

The fact he made that comment would have given me the ick. Instantly. Hard pass for that alone

Agree with aqua, this was also my first thought.

MiddlesexGirl · 14/09/2021 07:56

I'd be wary but I wouldn't rule anything out just based on a number. I agree that in general women age better than men but there are exceptions. One of my best friends is just turned 40, her DH is 55. They have two young children and he has two grown up DC from his first marriage. His first wife was mad hence that not working out! He is very fit - swims, cycles, plays golf .... all the bad no way sports!.... but she's also very fit too so they do a lot of this together and luckily have very hands on parents themselves to help out with the DC.
It works for then and I can't see why it wouldn't carry on working just as well as it would work for anyone else.
I think if the guy is fit and active the only issue will be that they are likely to slow down before you. Though from my own experience that can happen with same age couples too.

bigbaggyeyes · 15/09/2021 06:02

I think she gaps creep up in people at different times. Usually career, kids and retirement are lunch points. But looks like you've both done the career and kids bit, especially as your dc are the same age. The issue for me would be retirement, he'll be thinking of retiring, doing all the gin retirement stuff like travelling and you'll be in your 40s and having to work

TheTrinity · 15/09/2021 14:44

My hubby's one rule for dating when he was single was if he's old enough to be her dad, it's a definite no and that means a 16 year + gap. I always felt the same but I was never interested in guys my age or younger anyway. There's always the exception to the rule. Trust your gut and keep an open mind whatever happens.

NetflixandWineplease · 15/09/2021 15:10

From experience it didn't work for me, that's all. I was with a man 16 older than me for a couple of years. We broke away as I was always worried we were at different stages in our lives.

Laladell · 16/09/2021 14:12

I dated someone for about a year when I was younger, I was 25 he was 48.

All good at first but tbh we were at different stages of our life looking back I very much doubt it would of worked out long term.

Speaking from experience it's not something I would ever do again, but ultimately its your choice, it's your life do what makes you happy.

Hawkins001 · 18/09/2021 19:28

Just seen a relationship of a big age gap around 42 years currently in the papers at the moment