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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dad doesn’t talk to my mum

28 replies

lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 18:41

Please can someone help me..I’m not a mum but I live with my mum and dad who have been married for 30+ years and my older sister who is 27, my other sister has moved out. my mum does ALL the housework, all the cooking etc if my dad leaves a plate or anything out my mum will just clean it up, he never asks if she needs help even though she works full time and the thing is my dad doesn’t speak to her at all or ask how her day is, my sister said he treats her like a slave basically. But my mum doesn’t mind? He won’t even sit next to her in front of the tv most of the times. Today it’s their wedding anniversary and my mum got him a present and he just got a card, she went to hug him and he said no and walked straight past. I get upset about it all and I don’t know if this is normal or what :/ he hasn’t always been like this.. and you can’t speak to my dad because he just turns it in to an argument or tells you to shut up, please does anyone have any advice, Thankyou

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 12/09/2021 18:44

I don't think there is anything you can do about their relationship. All you can do is make sure you are helping your mum in the house and making sure she knows how much you love her and appreciate her.

Original poster
lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 18:45

Thankyou.. I just hate him he’s been so horrible recently

OP posts:
Ibizan · 12/09/2021 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 18:47

What do you mean??

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/09/2021 18:47

Have you spoken to her about it? There may be some stuff going on that you're not aware of, if thus is a recent change.

Boobieboobieboobie · 12/09/2021 18:47

I’d have an honest chat with your mum about how shes being treated. It must be a horrible atmisphere.

Original poster
lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 18:48

Thanks, I speak to her about it everydayy

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 12/09/2021 18:49

@lilymelsx

Thanks, I speak to her about it everydayy
What does she say about it?
GiveMeAUserName123 · 12/09/2021 18:50

I don’t think it’s any of your business. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

Obviously your sad for your mum, mention to her that your supportive in if she ever did want to leave, but they are of a different generation and what’s normal to them can be bizarre and unhealthy to others.

Don’t forget that was the status quo for that generation and a lot of people liked it and still do.

StrawberrySanta · 12/09/2021 19:00

Is she honestly happy living like this? It seems pretty miserable being treated like that :( have you asked her if she's ever considered leaving him?

AnImposter · 12/09/2021 19:05

I was in this exact situation when I moved home for a few months. I bit my tongue for the most part but towards the end I couldn't, I once snapped at him how dare he speak to her that way, and she didn't know where to look. From that moment I made it very clear he was disrespectful and cold and she could do better. I made it a point to help her be more independent - went out more, encouraged joining a gym, went for walks - and when I left, she gave him 6 months and then left him - after 48 years of marriage.

I know I was the catalyst, but two years on she's so so happy, joined lots of groups, goes out for lunch with her friends, goes on holidays and trips, she says her only regret was not doing it sooner.

It wasn't all plain sailing, but my advice is to support your mum - encourage independence, and set boundaries, he may think it's ok to speak to her that way, but it's not acceptable to you.

Original poster
lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 19:11

Thanks for your reply but I know right..she says it’s fine I talk to her about it a lot, he never speaks to her he just walks in and gets everything done for him, and if he does speak he’s being rude to her, i hate it

OP posts:
Original poster
lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 19:14

@AnImposter

I was in this exact situation when I moved home for a few months. I bit my tongue for the most part but towards the end I couldn't, I once snapped at him how dare he speak to her that way, and she didn't know where to look. From that moment I made it very clear he was disrespectful and cold and she could do better. I made it a point to help her be more independent - went out more, encouraged joining a gym, went for walks - and when I left, she gave him 6 months and then left him - after 48 years of marriage.

I know I was the catalyst, but two years on she's so so happy, joined lots of groups, goes out for lunch with her friends, goes on holidays and trips, she says her only regret was not doing it sooner.

It wasn't all plain sailing, but my advice is to support your mum - encourage independence, and set boundaries, he may think it's ok to speak to her that way, but it's not acceptable to you.

Thankyou, it’s the same for me but if I said that to my dad he’d also shout so it doesn’t work :( I do try to stick up for her a lot.. but same he doesn’t deserve her I just wish he’d move out and realise everything my mum does for him
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 19:17

I certainly hope you're doing your share of the housework. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, the lot.

Original poster
lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 19:19

@Aquamarine1029

I certainly hope you're doing your share of the housework. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, the lot.
My mum doesn’t ask us to do stuff like that but I do help my mum yeah
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 19:21

My mum doesn’t ask us to do stuff like that but I do help my mum yeah

She shouldn't have to ask. Don't "help", do your fair share.

Original poster
lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 19:22

@Aquamarine1029

My mum doesn’t ask us to do stuff like that but I do help my mum yeah

She shouldn't have to ask. Don't "help", do your fair share.

I do help..this isn’t about me it’s about my dad disrespecting my mum
OP posts:
fairytwinkletastic · 12/09/2021 19:25

I am that Mum, I am trying to plan currently to leave. Even though I dont really want my kids exposed to this unfortunately he has begun to draw them in to "discussions". I am very grateful that my eldest has said i am justified. Although very sad we're at this point. Lots of love to you and your Mum xx.

Original poster
lilymelsx · 12/09/2021 19:29

@fairytwinkletastic

I am that Mum, I am trying to plan currently to leave. Even though I dont really want my kids exposed to this unfortunately he has begun to draw them in to "discussions". I am very grateful that my eldest has said i am justified. Although very sad we're at this point. Lots of love to you and your Mum xx.
Aww It’s upsetting because everyday I’m just thinking the worst and I hate seeing my mum treated like this :( she deserves better and I’m sure you do aswell, but thankyou you too xx
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/09/2021 19:31

I would just say to her that she has one life and that she could be so much happier and she deserve so much more and that if she needs help getting away then she should ask you straightaway.

BeachDrifting · 13/09/2021 05:03

Well done for supporting your mum

layladomino · 13/09/2021 08:59

Someone said it's none of your business. I disagree strongly. You are a loving daughter concerned about her Mum's wellbeing. You share a house and you can't ignore your mum being treated so badly by your Dad.

Please keep talking to her, and let her know that you would understand completely and would support her, if she decided to leave. That's a difficult decision to make, and it could take her some time, but knowing that you understand might help. Whatever happens, don't let your Dad drive a wedge between you and your Mum.

Finally, you've talked about him not sharing the workload, but don't forget that's your job too. You aren't 'helping' your Mum when you do housework, cooking etc. You are an adult sharing the same house as her, so those tasks are as much your job as hers and your Dad's. You criticise your Dad for not doing anything, but can you say hand on heart that you are doing your fair share? If you want to make your Mum's life easier that's something you can do very easily. I;m not saying this unkindly, but I can recall when I first left 'home' suddenyl realising how much my parents had been doing for me - I still feel bad about it now!

EarringsandLipstick · 13/09/2021 09:42

@Ibizan

Your mum won’t be happy. She would be delighted if you said to her “God, he treats you so badly, I hope you aren’t staying in my behalf. Why don’t you get rid. He makes being alone such a great prospect.”
That's a ridiculous suggestion.

You are already talking to your mum OP, keep doing that & offering support.

Ultimately though her relationship is down to her, and you need to respect that.

Regarding housework, it does sound like you need to step up, proactively take responsibility for housework.

IAmASpiderPlant · 13/09/2021 10:05

I don’t think it’s any of your business. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

Confused

She lives in the same house.

She's also behind the closed door.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2021 10:21

Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do.

Your Mum is in denial and just sticks her head in the sand and your Dad sounds awful. But if she's is willing to put up with it, there's nothing you can do.

Personally, I've move out and leave them to it. You're both old enough to need your own space and lives.

My mum doesn’t ask us to do stuff like that

She shouldn't have to ask!

Time to get your own place.