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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm trapped and don't know a way out of this mess.

38 replies

TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 18:08

I can't leave him, I couldn't afford the house alone, I couldn't even afford rent alone.

I'm on maternity leave but my pay is shit when I go back anyway but not enough to claim anything I don't think. I earn 22k but with a mortgage, bills, food and nursery on top I just don't know what to do.

My family gave us the deposit for our house so I don't want to walk away with nothing but he's insisting I'd be the one to leave (with our young baby son, what a hero).

OP posts:
mokojolo · 12/09/2021 18:15

Don't assume you can't get help. Do the calculator on here: www.entitledto.co.uk/

unicornsarereal72 · 12/09/2021 19:11

Check the benefit calculator. I earn more than you and get UC top up and 85% of my child care bill paid for.

You will also been entitled to child support from the father. All being well.

Look at your out going's. What can be cut or reduced. Single person council tax reduction etc.

It is tight but the children and I are much happier now.

Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 20:20

Thanks I feel sort of in defeated stage if that makes sense!

I've just looked at the calculator though and it seems I could get some help.

What do I do about the house? He's insisting I should be the one to go.

My family gave us the money for the deposit for the house as part of an early inheritance for me! It wasn't ring fenced though Sad I don't want to see him swan off with the house now after my family basically paying for it.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 12/09/2021 20:23

Are you married? You can seek legal advice about the assets.

I wasn't married. But my ex agreed that the house already had positive equity of x amount before he moved in and didn't argue. The remaining equity was 50/50 from that point.

If you have any evidence of the money coming from your family the. That might help.

Restinblue · 12/09/2021 20:23

Are you married?

TheWholeWorld · 12/09/2021 20:24

Are you married OP? Your post suggests you might be but it's not clear. On what basis did you buy the house - are you joint tenants on the mortgage?

Rainbowqueeen · 12/09/2021 20:27

Are you married? If not and there are clear records that show where the deposit can from then you should be able to get it back. Also possibly if it is a marriage of short duration
Please speak to women’s aid for advice. They have a list of solicitors who speak use in helping women who are being abused.

Dillydollydingdong · 12/09/2021 20:28

Leaving doesn't mean you'll lose everything. If you want to go, make your plans and do it. If you're married you retain your right. If you're not married, I hope your name is on the deeds?

LawnFever · 12/09/2021 20:33

As others have said are you married, is the house in joint names?

I’d there equity in the house, I’m guessing yes? If so, even if you left he’d need to buy you out against your share, or you could push to sell the house to get your deposit back, that would put you in a better financial position.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 12/09/2021 20:36

My colleague has 3 kids and earns about the same as you. She is off sick now but before that she was earning full time wage plus loads of tax credits, child benefit, free prescriptions, help with rent. He was beating her up but she had wanted to leave him long before that started and I was really surprised at how much she claims.

Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 20:39

We are married. Only 2 years though. What a mess. Yes it's in joint names and yes I have evidence of the deposit coming from me.

I don't know about equity, we only bought it last year so I doubt there would be much.

Sometimes I just resign myself to playing the long game because I'm too scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 20:41

He's not abusive so I don't think women's aid would be the right thing.

I work for a solicitors too helpfully so I do have legal help I could access. I'm just so scared I'll end up in a right mess if I do it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 20:42

Op see a lawyer, he’s not going to get your house, not after two years. He’s no chance.

See a solicitor. And tell him he has to go.

Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 20:44

@Bluntness100

Op see a lawyer, he’s not going to get your house, not after two years. He’s no chance.

See a solicitor. And tell him he has to go.

It's not just my house though. He's on the deeds. It was my parents who gave us the deposit for it though.
OP posts:
Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 20:45

He thinks because the mortgage comes out of his bank (we don't have joint accounts so it had to come out of someone's! All the other bills come out of mine) that that means he's got a better chance.

OP posts:
CliffsofMohair · 12/09/2021 20:49

Use your legal advice.
Ring Women’s Aid for emotional support. He’s happy to see you and baby son without a home but you think he isn’t abusive?

sosickofthisshit · 12/09/2021 20:49

Haha, that's not how it works. It doesn't matter who pays what when you're married. My exh thought the same, and learned the hard way. Get onto entitledto, get a shit hot lawyer and whatever you do, do not leave the house. If anyone should be leaving it should be him.

PurpleOkapi · 12/09/2021 21:09

There are other places you can live. If he wants to keep it, he'd probably have to buy you out, so you'd come out ok financially - maybe even ahead. It's just a house, and it sounds like neither of you can afford it separately anyway. It's not worth staying longer just to end up temporarily keeping a house that you can't afford to keep long-term anyway.

And FFS, it's not "abusive" to want your partner instead of you to be the one to leave. It's also not abusive for OP to want him to be the one to leave. Moving somewhere else, even with a baby, is not abuse.

LawnFever · 12/09/2021 21:12

@TrappedHelp

He thinks because the mortgage comes out of his bank (we don't have joint accounts so it had to come out of someone's! All the other bills come out of mine) that that means he's got a better chance.
Ignore him, he’s talking utter nonsense - it doesn’t work like that at all.

He’s trying to scare you, but he clearly doesn’t have a clue - speak to a solicitor.

Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 22:03

I've looked at the entitledto website and calculated nursery costs etc... I should be okay actually. I was surprised so thanks for the PP who gave me the link.

I could afford the mortgage (it's a lot cheaper than rent would be somewhere similar), it would be tight for a bit until he was in school and I could work more hours but I could do it I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 22:11

And FFS, it's not "abusive" to want your partner instead of you to be the one to leave. It's also not abusive for OP to want him to be the one to leave. Moving somewhere else, even with a baby, is not abuse.

I don't think it is abuse. But I do think it's shitty considering there would be no question that our son would be living full time with me (he works too much and there's no way he'd want full custody he wouldn't be able to do it without it affecting his work (he's a workaholic which is partly the reason for this whole situation) I already know that).

He could afford the house fine alone, he earns a lot more than I do.

OP posts:
marioduck · 12/09/2021 22:18

Instead of burying your head in the sand and imagining scary scenarios, go and get proper legal advice and gather accurate information. Draw up a real budget using real numbers, don't just sit there telling yourself it's not possible based on no numbers.

At the moment you seen to be inventing "facts" based on your emotions, which then feed the emotions and lead you to invent more "facts" and around again you go.

Taking legal advice doesn't commit you to acting upon it.

You'll feel less scared once you start taking control by doing these things.

There is not enough information to know if there is or is not abuse; you have not told us anything about the relationship itself to see that either way. (And you don't have to).

Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 22:23

Its the tale as old as time, treats me like his own personal slave, speaks to me like shit etc...

I've been made to feel awful for daring to have a maternity leave as if I need to be ever thankful and rush to do his laundry/clear up after him etc.. whilst trying to do literally everything for our baby son.

He won't even put his clothes in the washing basket because apparently it's not hard for me to go round the house collecting them when I'm "dossing about all day anyway".

I feel like I have to justify everything I do to him to show I'm contributing. If I go out to see a friend or to take our son somewhere like a baby class it's like rolled eyes because I'm not at home being a house wife whilst he's out working.

I have worked full time our entire relationship, I've taken a few months off with our son and he treats me like I've never worked a day in my life. Like I should be on my knees thanking him for paying some extra bills whilst I'm on mat leave.

I'm sick of being treated like this.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/09/2021 22:24

You don't have to move out, but neither does he. You can separate under one roof until divorce and financial settlement are all done if this would be workable for you.

Original poster
TrappedHelp · 12/09/2021 22:27

Tells me I apparently don't do anything right because he doesn't have enough clean clothes for work sometimes (because he never puts them in the basket!).

He said something tonight like "I never ask you to clean the house", I said because I already do so you don't need to which is true our house is always tidy and pretty clean considering I'm knackered and have a new baby! And he started going on like "well not really, there is dust on top of the shelf blah blah".

It's never enough. He wants a 1950s housewife out of his sleep deprived wife who's just had a baby on maternity leave.

I'm actually disgusted at the way he's started treating me since I left work (for mat leave).

OP posts:
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