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Original poster

Tinder- is this guy just after sex?

51 replies

pyramidhead · 12/09/2021 13:30

I joined Tinder recently and have been chatting to a man for a little while.
At first he was a little flirty and generally he seemed nice, we both have camper vans so we had a bit in common. First he mentioned meeting somewhere with our vans for a trip but I didn't do it as seemed a bit much. I'm quite shy initially and terrible at flirting.
He has suggested coming to my house but I won't do that. I don't want a "hook up" but haven't exactly said as much.
I did say this weekend I may be around our local city, he just said tell him where and he'd be there. However as the night progressed (Friday), he messaged at 11pm saying he could come tuck me in bed, then saying he'd be around if I want attention, he's no harm just horny!
I said I was no good at those apps he said oh they're just fun and gave me his number.
Well I haven't rang him, as this sexual stuff has put me off. I'm not sure how to proceed.
He seems nice apart from this but I'm worried about what his expectations will be and I don't really know what to say now.
Any advice?
Sorry if I seem really naive 😬

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 13/09/2021 15:33

You did well! You used messaging to screen and you ruled him out.

I wouldn't let it put you off. He's just a sleazy knob. You can meet them anywhere and yes I know plenty of lovely couples who've met on Tinder.

Original poster
pyramidhead · 13/09/2021 17:36

Yes I think you're all quite right. There's not a chance I'd go away or have him over not knowing a thing about him.
It does say a lot about his character really. Some blokes really would do anything for sex I suppose. I'm pleased I posted and got great advice as always.
Should at least go for a coffee before any of that stuff surely haha

OP posts:
Viddy2021 · 13/09/2021 22:08

Also met my long-term partner on Tinder. When you first sign up, it's disconcerting, foreign and easy to get hung up on a particular guy's behaviour, but there's so many, a lot of shite, but some great ones too. I think its about learning how to filter and building confidence in your judgement. It's all experience, in the end. Meet up quickly when possible, to get to reality, or at least phone. Take your time and have fun!

EarthSight · 13/09/2021 22:16

he messaged at 11pm saying he could come tuck me in bed, then saying he'd be around if I want attention

Tinder - is this guy just after sex?

Does gravity exist?

Is water wet?

Is fire hot?

I'n not sure how much more obvious he can get OP!! 🤣 Are you expecting a text saying something like 'Can I put my erect penis in your vagina? 😂😂😂

EarthSight · 13/09/2021 22:22

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

It's tinder. That's basically what it's for.
@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves Yes. I'm open minded about it, and I'm sure there are exceptions......but there are exceptions to lots of things, and exceptions don't make the rule. Tinder is an attempt at creating an app, a shop front which hides the sex club at the back.
EarthSight · 13/09/2021 22:25

@Ninasister

I met my husband on tinder 😂 we were both looking for a committed relationship and didn't realise tinder was for just one nights stands
Errr....are you sure about that?? Most men know exactly what it's for. Their mates tell them for one thing. It's mainly women who have other ideas.
Closetbeanmuncher · 14/09/2021 01:08

I'm not sure how much more obvious he can get OP!! 🤣 Are you expecting a text saying something like 'Can I put my erect penis in your vagina? 😂😂😂

🤣🤣🤣

Couldhavebeenme3 · 14/09/2021 06:36

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

It's tinder. That's basically what it's for.
Yup. Tinder is a hook up site
Lovelydiscusfish · 14/09/2021 07:00

I’m not sure I buy this total distinction between people looking for sex/people looking for a relationship. When I met my fella - on Tinder - I was just looking for no strings fun - think he was probably looking for a bit more - and now we are engaged to be married. There aren’t two separate categories of people - those who shag and those who fall in love. Some do both…..

Surely the only sensible thing for the OP to do at this point is to clearly state her position to this guy re sex, dating, moving forwards etc, and ask him his. No point them both engaging in a guessing game. If she would want several dates before considering sex, she should tell him that.

Oh, and Tinder isn’t “just a hook-up site” any more than any location for meeting people, real or virtual, can be solely one thing. I know loads of people, myself included, who found their LTR- partner on Tinder…… Yeah, a lot of people use it for hook ups too……

Getbehindme · 14/09/2021 07:09

Get on to the Dating thread, lots of advice there.

I disagree that its just a hook up site, but equally you have to up your screening game and be very discerning about who you swipe right on, who you then chose to talk to, how it progresses. There will be loads that fail at the first hurdle but start true to what you want - and don't expect it to land in your lap.

Maybe having this experience is good, gets it out of the way and you now know what to watch put for.

You owe them nothing.

Suzi888 · 14/09/2021 10:43

A close friend of mine met her other half on tinder, they’re still together and just bought a house. However, they met for coffee etc first, dated and both dropped tinder.

I think it’s clear this man is just after a hook up, you could make it clear that’s not what you want but at least you found out that sex appears to be all he’s after!

pollypocketlover · 14/09/2021 12:59

If she would want several dates before considering sex, she should tell him that.

Women are not obligated to state this, ever. This implies that wanting to date properly before having sex is odd, which it isn't. Men are not entitled to sex, therefore you don't need to disclose that you expect to go on X dates before you will consider having sex with them.

Original poster
pyramidhead · 14/09/2021 13:17

Yeah I'm don't feel sex needs to be even discussed so early on. I'm not comfortable with that personally.
I can't really be bothered with blokes at this point anyway, far too much hassle!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 14/09/2021 13:46

OP it was pretty obvious early on that this guy was just after sex. Nice but flirty don't go together, it's clear it's not just sex that you are after, so you need to develop your skills at spotting the ones who just want sex.
Anyone too flattering about your pics at the start, just bin, if you are after someone who wants to get to know you, they will take the time to read your profile and comment on something related to it.
Only meet in public, like a coffee shop, and don't bother meeting anyone who flirts before you've even met - that just dumb when either of you could be nothing like your pics or profile in reality.

HaggisBurger · 14/09/2021 13:58

As others have said Tinder is perhaps more focused on hookups than other apps like Hinge. But there are people on it looking for LTRs yes of course. The guy I am seeing had “looking for a real relationship” on his profile - and turns out he was 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honeymare · 14/09/2021 14:01

I had many non hookup dates from tinder and met my Dfiance there. But this guy is being quite open about wanting sex. In future just suggest a date and if they start this nonsense unmatch immediately.

Earlgrey19 · 14/09/2021 18:05

Might be common on Tinder, but Tinder is not just for hook ups. Hinge I quite like, but if you live outside big cities there are few people on it locally and you have to be willing to set your prefs to a longer distance away, I find.

IAAP · 14/09/2021 18:08

@Comedycook

Does he just want sex? Yes

If he didn't he would have suggested an actual date.

This.
Lovelydiscusfish · 15/09/2021 06:47

@pollypocketlover

If she would want several dates before considering sex, she should tell him that.

Women are not obligated to state this, ever. This implies that wanting to date properly before having sex is odd, which it isn't. Men are not entitled to sex, therefore you don't need to disclose that you expect to go on X dates before you will consider having sex with them.

OK, fine. Let her waste loads more time and emotional energy talking to men not on the same page as her then, when she could just be clear and up front about what she’s after.

WHY?

Nothing in what I wrote implies men are entitled to sex. But it is a true (and glorious) fact that many modern women feel liberated enough to go on dating sites and look for hook-ups, NSA fun, casual dating etc etc, as well as serious relationships. Because women have sex drives just like men do. Why on Earth the OP wouldn’t want to state what she is looking for, and would prefer the man to guess, I really cannot fathom…..

It’s almost like there’s a bit of an assumption here thats is only men are looking for casual sex and it should be assumed that any nice normal women are looking for relationships? But that can’t be true, surely, in this day and age?

Rozziie · 15/09/2021 07:52

@Lovelydiscusfish I think a lot of women who do want relationships go on the apps and have casual sex but are hoping it turns into something. Maybe sometimes it does, but a lot of the time they're strung along until he meets someone he actually wants to date.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 15/09/2021 08:46

Grim.

Put this one straight in the bin. Creepy f**cker.

sloutside · 15/09/2021 09:29

Bin.
Yuk.

Original poster
pyramidhead · 15/09/2021 09:43

Haha yeah I have done. Haven't actually been back on the site. Shelved it for a while.
It is grim.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 15/09/2021 20:20

[quote Rozziie]@Lovelydiscusfish I think a lot of women who do want relationships go on the apps and have casual sex but are hoping it turns into something. Maybe sometimes it does, but a lot of the time they're strung along until he meets someone he actually wants to date.[/quote]
Probably this is true of some women, and some men too! Which is why I am a massive advocate of everyone being up front. Just say what you want and stick to it!

It might change over time of course. Like I did, someone might start of wanting NSA fun and end up falling in love…. But the point is, say what you want from the start surely, then there is no guessing? X

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/09/2021 20:22

I was REALLY surprised by being told off earlier for suggesting OP should be up front about what she is looking for from the start. Why on earth not? I cannot see a single reason why someone wouldn’t be……