Can I forgive my mum for this?

[pipiandbelle]

Sorry this might be a long post and relates to my mum’s partner’s behaviour over 30 plus years.

My mum is a lovely, sweet person who I get with very well. However, since I was 8 or so she has been with a partner (and I lived with until I left home at 18) who can be aggressive, angry, inappropriate and worst of all he often displays sexual predatory behaviour. There are so many individual incidents I can’t put them all here, but in summary when he has made inappropriate comments to my teenage friends (e.g. asking for their phone numbers) asking g a 15 yr old to sleep with him), touching my bum as an adult, touching my sister’s leg (as an adult) and the list goes on. He’s was also physically abusive to me and my sister on a few occasions as children and adults.

Until now, I have been very upset by all of these things and have told my mum at the time (e.g. telling her to ask him to stop asking for my friend’s number only to be told he’s being ‘friendly). She was aware of all of these things but stayed with him. So in short, she didn’t protect me, my sister or my friends / other girls as I believe we should have been. As these things were brushed off growing up, I sort of put up with these things and life went on with him in the family although none of my siblings or I like him, we have put up with him because we love our mum.

I now have a young daughter which has made me revaluate all of his behaviour and I have decided that to keep my daughter safe and away from this that we won’t be seeing him any more. I had a long conversation with my mum about this and why I had come to this conclusion. I went through all of the main incidences I have described above with her (although there are many many more lesser nasty things he has done over the years). She said she was sorry she put us through all of this and she understood why we didn’t want to see him again.

But, here is the point (sorry for going on) she is still with him. I can’t get my head around this, how can she stay with someone that has treated me and my siblings, other family members / friends so badly and she had admitted he ‘likes young girls’. I’m angry that she won’t leave him and am now wondering that despite the fact that I love my mum dearly, whether I can maintain my relationship with her while she stays with a man who has done all of these things.

What would you do?

I would minimalise contact and keep my daughter well away from him
If mum asks why you can be honest that " he has made me very uncomfortable growing up and so I will protect my daughter " she can visit you alone if she chooses
If she doesn't then you know where you stand
Live your life with your wee girl and be happy
You can choose your friends you just can't choose your family

I would also lessen all forms of contact here. Your mother gets what she wants out of this relationship with this man and she has remained with him for her own reasons. What if anything do you know about her own childhood, this may give you some clues. She is also his enabler who has and continues to fail to protect you and in turn your DD.

My mum is a lovely, sweet person

Is she though, she's stayed with a man who's physically assaulted her daughter as kids, and been sexuslly inappropriate to her daughters as young adults, and been sexually appropriate to her daughter's friends as young adults.

She cares about her "security" more than her daughter's welfare (including if they had been ostracised at school etc because of his behaviour towards any girls of young women who hung out with them).

In all honesty if he'd gone further along his path abd actually sexually assaulted/abused yourselves or young women visiting your home; would she have left him, had him prosecuted?

It sounds like not.

So she's not a sweet, lovely person. She's actually intensely selfish abd irresponsible irresponsible in many ways.

She's also now sacrificing a full relationship with her grand children for her relationship security.

Tbh your feelings for/devotion to your Mum shows how kids will love their parents no matter what they do, in spite of major faults and wrongs.

She doesn't actually deserve such love and devotion. She's always chosen the "easy" way thevway that kept her a partner; instead of the right way, instead of protecting you and your sister.

Her morals are ... dubious.

I've realised I've touched on the physical assault/abuse he did to you and your sister on occasion growing up; but not really mentioned "aggressive and angry".

Even if he wasn't hitting you the majority of the time; living under anger, aggression and tension is damaging. Its deeply unfair and damaging.

If yourself and your sister haven't developed issues, that could have affected every aspect of your lives detrimentally as a result of growing up under that ... it's only good luck/credit to you as people.

It's a form of abuse, living Inn household like that. Again, she chose to subject you to that than be single (abd she could have met someone else so not even perpetually single). Very selfish and irresponsible, she's been a party to abuse, I'm sorry.

She said she was sorry she put us through all of this

Words are cheap.

And she's still with him, choosing to be with him rather than have unfettered, full relationships with yourselves and her grandchildren, now that you (entirely understandably) don't want him around your daughters growing up.

I would see her separately - unless she makes that impossible by not meeting with you and your sisters on her own.

Back away and take your dd with you. She has made her choice perfectly clear.. She also should never have dd alone. Could you trust she wouldn't let that pervert near your dd?

asking g a 15 yr old to sleep with him

This isn't even a young adult, this a child, below the age of consent. He and your mother are very lucky he didn't get reported to the police for this.

Well done to you for breaking the cycle for your daughter.

Your mother needs to wise up, stop being oblivious and willfully ignorant. If not, then you know she has not got your daughter's interests at heart.

No - I wouldn't forgive her.

How old is your mum? How does he act towards your mum?

Sadly I think she has decided that whilst his behaviour is abhorrent she is personally better off with him or she is so dependant on him. Either way it's hard for you to respect her, which I understand.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It echoes what I have though my for a long time but my family just hasn’t confronted (up until is, and I imagine I will be vilified for it by my siblings and wider family). @Fireflygal my mum is 68. He isn’t violent towards her but neither is not caring, helpful or very nice much of time time. I think she is now staying with him because she doesn’t want to be on her own…

*neither is he caring (he isnt)

There are women who stay with sexual predators and convicted criminals; even when doing so means not seeing their children or grandchildren fully, or at all.

Your mum appears to fall into that group; although your step father has not actually (apparently) assaulted someone or Bern prosecuted for anything to date.

There is nothing you can do for them, they are fundamentally flawed - having a partner trumps everything, absolutely everything in life.

She's subjected her children to the above and is now sacrificing her relationship with her grandchildren for this man who'd cheat on her at the drop of a hat, and who has been trying to for decades. What can you do for someone like that; I'd she hasn't acted right in all this time, she's extremely unlikely to do so.

*I should add, as if the cheating on her at the drop of a hat wasn't bad enough; he's included underage girls in his cheating attempts.

So, as you correctly labelled him, a sexual.predator as well as a cheater.

‘If she hasn’t acted right in all this time, she isn’t likely to do so’ @SleepingBunnies21 yes you are right. She is unlikely to leave him and this is what, if I’m honest, is really doing my head in to the point of complete meltdowns and depression. I just can’t see why she didn’t leave him long ago and why she won’t now. And I suppose, whether I should keep my relationship with her if she doesn’t.

This is a very difficult situation and I can completely understand. Does he tend to dominate her, has he coerced and conditioned your mum over the years.
He sounds like a right cunt. Has anyone ever challenged him over his behaviour I wonder.
I certainly wouldn't be putting my children anywhere near him. If your mum wishes to see the children she can do so at your house or out in town somewhere.
She's clearly very weak and stupid to be putting him before her own children.
I have a step mother that fostered me for a while and she's been with a coercive controlling bastard for 45 years. He's finally gone in to a dementia home now. But somehow she still makes decisions based on what he would do.
We stopped taking the grandchildren round to see her due to his racist comments.
Keep your children safe and keep them away from this predator.

The ange, aggression and intermittent physical assaults on you and you sister growing up also make himnan abuser.

So she's chosen, consistently abd constantly, every day of her life since she moved him in when you were 8, to stay with (and subject her daughters) to an abuser, a sexual predator and an (attempted) cheater.

And she continues to choose it, with grandchildren now on the scene. What can you do for someone like that ... other than protect yourselves and you kids in a way she's failed to.

I’m angry that she won’t leave him and am now wondering that despite the fact that I love my mum dearly, whether I can maintain my relationship with her while she stays with a man who has done all of these things.

It's pretty impossible to forgive someone when they are still in the situation that caused the need to be forgiven in the first place. So I doubt you can truly 'forgive' her whilst she remains with him.

Why should you? Her apology is worth very little whilst she stays with him, and even if she left him, it will take a great deal of time and effort to get past why she chose to stay with him for so long, knowing what he was like.

And nor am I sure if in your shoes I could maintain any sort of genuine ongoing relationship. How can you when that is the elephant in the room every time you see her (alone obviously, as he has to be cut from your life). Every time you see her it will be on your mind, affecting what you talk about and a barrier to true and honest communication.

I'm not a huge advocate of therapy but it does feel like this is one time it would help, to work through what happened to you both as a child and now as an adult.

For what it's worth, my parents both made bad decisions as parents that were not in their children's best interests. Not as bad as your situation perhaps, , but still ones that let to difficult childhoods. I've worked for some level of understanding (of why) and acceptance rather than forgiveness. And distance. Lots of LC distance.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been through this. I think the admission that ‘he likes young girls’ would be enough for me to cut contact. Your mother has come out and essentially admitted he is a paedophile and that she condones it and was happy to let you, your sister and your friends be exposed to that. Regardless of how deeply you love your mum, she has made her choice and clearly shown that she cares more about this disgusting man than her own daughters. She is not someone to have around your daughter.

is really doing my head in to the point of complete meltdowns and depression.

Parents are a lottery.

You've been, if not the most unfortunate end of the scale (outright sociopathic/psychopathic abusers), unfortunate in your mother.

Please please don't let it affect your mental health. You and your sister have done so well to grow up the way you have, by the sounds of it. Could you get counselling?

She is too flawed and too "weak" to choose the right path, it's been case for decades. I mean imagine being intimate with a man who you know has been trying to initiate sex with an underage girl who's visited your home as a friend of your daughters (and she was far from the only one by the sounds of all the phone number seeking etc). I don't even want to imagine what the inside of your Mum's head looks like. That's not getting onto any of his other behaviour.

Can you see her separately if you want to keep a relationship with her and let your kids have a relationship with her?

I would cut all contact with your mum.

Your own DD should never be anywhere near her.

Your mum has made her choice over and over again, and not once has she ever chosen you.

She has continuously picked her own wants and needs and whatever it is she gets from her relationship, above safeguarding and the wellbeing of her own children.

She is supremely selfish.

I once had a close friend who's mother married the man who sexually abused all three of her daughter's AFTER they told her he had been raping them for years. That's the ultimate betrayal of a mother to her own children in my mind. When I was expecting my eldest we knew it was a girl and he paid a very unhealthy interest telling my friend how he couldn't wait for her son to have a little girl as a new friend to play with and how happy he was and how lovely it would be for him to babysit so us girls could go out together. Frankly it turned my stomach so much that I ended the friendship before the birth as I just didn't want the beast finding any way to get near my child. No advice really but I just can't understand any mother who wouldn't do everything possible to protect her children and chooses a paedophile over her own flesh and blood. I wouldn't forgive and she wouldn't be my mother anymore.