Can I forgive my mum for this?

[pipiandbelle]

Sorry this might be a long post and relates to my mum’s partner’s behaviour over 30 plus years.

My mum is a lovely, sweet person who I get with very well. However, since I was 8 or so she has been with a partner (and I lived with until I left home at 18) who can be aggressive, angry, inappropriate and worst of all he often displays sexual predatory behaviour. There are so many individual incidents I can’t put them all here, but in summary when he has made inappropriate comments to my teenage friends (e.g. asking for their phone numbers) asking g a 15 yr old to sleep with him), touching my bum as an adult, touching my sister’s leg (as an adult) and the list goes on. He’s was also physically abusive to me and my sister on a few occasions as children and adults.

Until now, I have been very upset by all of these things and have told my mum at the time (e.g. telling her to ask him to stop asking for my friend’s number only to be told he’s being ‘friendly). She was aware of all of these things but stayed with him. So in short, she didn’t protect me, my sister or my friends / other girls as I believe we should have been. As these things were brushed off growing up, I sort of put up with these things and life went on with him in the family although none of my siblings or I like him, we have put up with him because we love our mum.

I now have a young daughter which has made me revaluate all of his behaviour and I have decided that to keep my daughter safe and away from this that we won’t be seeing him any more. I had a long conversation with my mum about this and why I had come to this conclusion. I went through all of the main incidences I have described above with her (although there are many many more lesser nasty things he has done over the years). She said she was sorry she put us through all of this and she understood why we didn’t want to see him again.

But, here is the point (sorry for going on) she is still with him. I can’t get my head around this, how can she stay with someone that has treated me and my siblings, other family members / friends so badly and she had admitted he ‘likes young girls’. I’m angry that she won’t leave him and am now wondering that despite the fact that I love my mum dearly, whether I can maintain my relationship with her while she stays with a man who has done all of these things.

What would you do?

she had admitted he ‘likes young girls’.

She herself has actually come out and said this?

Meanwhile she cooks his dinner, sits watching TV with him, sleeps with him, as she has for years. There's no helping someone like this.

You're the one initiating no contactvwith your kids; if left to her he'd be slavering over them and coming on to them when they reach puberty (which seems to be happening earlier now - my niece has been nearly my height and had a bust since 12) .... she has as much concern for her grand daughters physical and mental welfare as her daughters; almost none.

I once had a close friend who's mother married the man who sexually abused all three of her daughter's AFTER they told her he had been raping them for years.

Why hasn't he been reported and prosecuted?

He needs to be on the sex offender list.

He's a danger to all kids.

*She has continuously picked her own wants and needs and whatever it is she gets from her relationship, above safeguarding and the wellbeing of her own children.

She is supremely selfish.*

This is it in a nutshell.

You seem to be deluded about your Mum's character.... that's entirely understandable/natural; were not really designed to question or criticise our parents as kids and that often lasts through to adulthood. We feel love and affection for them, and bond with then, we believe the nest of them, we blame ourselves incorrectly for things, we see them.woth rose tinted glasses.

You need to take off the rose tinted glasses about your Mum, she obviously does a good line in sweet, harmless, weak victimhood & passivity.
You'd need to see past that. A hard and very disallusioning and painful process for you, bit necessary nonetheless.

Maybe when you see her critically and realistically, you won't won't such trouble getting your head around her behaviour all the time and ongoing.

*Maybe when you see her critically and realistically, you won't have such trouble getting your head around her behaviour all this time, and ongoing.

I'm in the same situation OP, if I'd had a daughter she would never have seen either of them ever, as it was I had a son so I would allow my mother to see them.
But I'm disgusted she is still with him after 50 years and I will not visit. She chose an abuser over me and I will not forgive that, I do not understand it. If someone abused my child they would be dumped and reported to the police.

pipiandbelle

re your comment:-

"I just can’t see why she didn’t leave him long ago and why she won’t now. And I suppose, whether I should keep my relationship with her if she doesn’t".

Re the first sentence its because she is getting what she wants out of that relationship along with the presumption that she does not want to be on her own. And I would not personally want to be around your mother either because she has and continues to enable him whilst throwing you and sibling under the bus in the process.

The man that abused you is still in your life because of her ongoing choice to put him first. I can't see how you could heal and forgive when he's still there. For me though the biggest consideration would be do I want this man in my DC life and is my mother a safe person for my DC to be around when she has an abusive partner. I wouldn't want my DC anywhere near this man and while my mother had a relationship with him I wouldn't want her in my DC life either. She wouldn't or couldn't protect her own children from him, why would it be any different for her DGC?

If these people are too difficult in ANY manner for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children too.

I'd have to go very low contact with her, probably allowing no contact with my child.

If these examples are the tip of the iceberg she knowingly colluded in your abuse, and that of other children.

Have you talked to your mum about why she's staying with him? She might need help leaving the bastard and is probably a victim in the relationship.
I totally agree he can never have any contact with your DC but maybe you could allow your DM to see them in your house only

She is unlikely to leave him and this is what, if I’m honest, is really doing my head in to the point of complete meltdowns and depression. I just can’t see why she didn’t leave him long ago and why she won’t now.

We don't know whether your mother is a victim, weak, selfish or what. You had the sort of childhood no child should ever have - and that's incredibly sad.

However you are obviously going to be a great mum and will make sure your dd has the secure and happy childhood you were denied. You'll keep her out of harm's way and make sure you never place her needs below those of anyone else. But to give her the best childhood possible you need to stop trying to understand your mother. Don't let her behaviour continue to upset you as your dd deserves a happy dm. Easier said than done and I've thankfully not been in your position so can't talk from experience. But I truly hope you can find a way to draw a line under the past and look forward, avoiding any situations or people that drag you down.

OP I feel for you. I cut contact with my mother when I was 17.

She moved a boyfriend in who tried to control and dominate me, he also grabbed my arse. On the occasion he hit me, I left and didn't speak to her for years. He ended up being physically violent to her after I'd gone.

When I had my own child I got back in contact with her to facilitate the grandparent relationship. It was a mistake, because like you I realised how wrong her previous behaviour was as my son grew up. She had moved onto another (richer) man by then (it was apparently ok for her boyfriend to hit and bully me but not her - she was straight out of the door) but I could see she had already moved on to elevating the new bloke above my younger siblings in status. His needs were top priority.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe a woman has to completely subsume herself to motherhood and I believe that mothers are fully entitled to relationships and a life outside of kids. However that has to balanced with the well-being of the children.

My Mum got that balance completely wrong because her boyfriends were more important to her than her children. It's sounds like your mum has it entirely wrong too. She accepts that this man is in essence a pedophile (young girls! 15 is a child!) And yet she prefers a relationship with a man like that to being single.

I genuinely don't think your relationship can recover from something like this. I speak to my mother once every few years when necessary. I don't feel any resentment towards her, there's no anger left but there's no love either. It just slipped away as I saw her more and more objectively.

She now has the life she craved, a big house and she doesn't work but she's angry and deeply bitter that her children barely speak to her and she of course blames us.

No parent who isn't incredibly selfish allows their kids to be treated in the way you were treated and ignores it, with the exception of women trapped in deeply abusive relationships who are struggling to escape.

In your mum's case it simply sounds like this is a choice, and she has chosen a partnership with a toxic man over the well-being of her own children and now grandchildren.

All of the above, plus it would be a good idea for you to develop an awareness of all the things which happened which you were never told about.

Meaning if he has done this once he has done this and worse more than once.

@SleepingBunnies21

I once had a close friend who's mother married the man who sexually abused all three of her daughter's AFTER they told her he had been raping them for years.

Why hasn't he been reported and prosecuted?

He needs to be on the sex offender list.

He's a danger to all kids.

This was over 25 years ago. It was pushed by their grandmother who wanted him locked up but they all refused to cooperate.

I really feel for you. I spent about two years trying to make my parents understand that what they'd done to hurt me and they just wouldn't hear it. I just kept trying and all they did was label me a shouter, label me angry, tell ME to get help!

So now, finally, I've given up. I've given up hoping that they'll get it.

I hope you can get to this place soon. Fade away for your own sense of self preservation.

It' s not even about forgiving or not or forgetting or not, it's just about accepting that they cannot communicate with you and you have to back away for self-preservation.

What you went through as a teen was awful and your mum has really let you down very badly. What an awful betrayal. Don't feel any false guilt when you go very very low contact for your self preservation, and to protect your daughter.