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Original poster

My mother blames me for my father having affair & leaving her for OW

31 replies

noirchatsdeux · 12/09/2021 02:09

As the title says...When I was 21, my father took a new job at the beginning of the year working 200 miles away from where we lived...for the preceding 9 years he'd been working mainly abroad. I was getting married later on that same year.

While my father was working away, he started an affair with OW. He ended up leaving my mother for her, when I was abroad on honeymoon, 2 days after the wedding. He married the OW 3 years later and they are still married.

My mother now lives on the other side of the world. I rang her tonight, and she mentioned that if I'd stayed with my first husband we would have been married nearly 33 years (I left him after less than 3 years of marriage) ...and then made some remark about my father and OW and how 'if he hadn't had to pay for your wedding he wouldn't have worked away and met OW'. I replied that it wasn't the first time he'd been unfaithful and it probably would have happened eventually anyway. She then said 'No it wouldn't have, it wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for your wedding'...

My father had also tried to dump myself, my mother and my two brothers on the other side of the world when I was 11, by pretending he wanted to return to our home country...he needed a visa as he'd refused citizenship when it was offered to him when we living there. His plan was to send us back first, saying if his visa wasn't processed in time he'd get a later flight. His plan was foiled at literally the last moment when his passport arrived the morning of the day we were leaving...he admitted his plan to my mother that same day...he'd lied about giving notice at his job, had even arranged new accommodation for just himself. My mother still stayed with him...

It's not the first time she's blamed me and my first wedding for my father having the affair. I'm pretty fucking sick of hearing it, I think it's a bloody awful thing for a parent to blame their child for, and it's starting to make me not want to talk to her at all. I told her later in the conversation that I'm not responsible for anyone's behaviour but my own...what else can I say to her to stop her from blaming me?

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 12/09/2021 02:58

Block your Mothers number... she's nasty

QuornStarMartini · 12/09/2021 03:13

I dont think there’s anything else you can say. I would just stop any contact with her, you say she’s on the other side of the world so it would be easy to do.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 03:29

Put the phone down instantly if she ever mentions it again.

Member589500 · 12/09/2021 03:49

Blaming the wedding costs isn’t the same as blaming you. Is she generally someone who doesn’t support you?
Sounds like she’s bitter about how her life has worked out and unable to be philosophical about it so is looking for people to blame.
Are you from a South Asian country? I have so many conversations with Indian and Pakistani friends where mothers and in laws create difficulties in their families as they’ve suffered from being the generation to follow all the cultural rules but feel their children rebelling against them and feel bitter about it. And still feel the need to pay for weddings that cost 2 years average salary!
A good tactic with anyone being unreasonable is to just tell them how they make you feel when they say what they do. Difficult to argue with that.

TonkinLenkicks · 12/09/2021 05:13

It happened 30 years ago, am I right? Tell her to get the f over it. Jesus. What a life wasted by bitterness, she could have had a new life by now

gibletjane · 12/09/2021 05:34

It's not diplomatic but I would say something like well surely it's more your fault as he didn't want to be with you. I'm sure it won't go down well but she can have some of her own medicine.

RantyAunty · 12/09/2021 06:35

Tell her it was 30 years ago and stop blaming you and if she does it again, just tell her to fuck off and disconnect the call.

Seems she'll keep saying it as long as you keep listening to her crap.

Persipan · 12/09/2021 06:44

Tell her you're pretty fucking sick of hearing it, you think it's a bloody awful thing for a parent to blame their child for, and it's starting to make you not want to talk to her at all.

TheStoic · 12/09/2021 07:19

I'm pretty fucking sick of hearing it, I think it's a bloody awful thing for a parent to blame their child for, and it's starting to make me not want to talk to her at all

You say exactly this. And if she ever mentions it again, you hang up or you leave. She’s in denial, but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with that rubbish.

Redyellowblue34 · 12/09/2021 07:25

Not your circus. Not your monkeys comes to mind.

A completely arbitrary set of circumstances did not result in that outcome. Your Dad was open to meeting a new sexual partner. Could have happened the day he went to the supermarket for a pint of milk. If you’re open to it, you’ll find it. Clearly he found what he was looking for.

Doggiedementia · 12/09/2021 07:26

Tell her if she mentions it that it wasn’t your fault it was on him and you’re not going to discuss it any more. If she mentions it ever again immediately put the phone down.

moose62 · 12/09/2021 07:33

It is probably so much easier for her to blame your wedding, and you, than admit that her husband chose someone else. Finding a reason absolves her from blame or blaming him. I don't think I could be bothered with her now but would give her a warning that if she mentions it again, your relationship is finished.

Chunkymenrock · 12/09/2021 07:36

It's appalling that she would blame you. Relationships can be very difficult and marriages can stop working due to no one's fault, but feelings changing. Looking for blame is ridiculous, I'd actually write her a letter saying how skewed her reasoning seems to be and how hurt you feel by this accusation. Being able to say clearly what you want to say, without interruption, is very valuable.

If she still won't accept it, then you can decide what you wish to do from there. She can't change what happened but she can certainly change her reaction it.

GoodnightGrandma · 12/09/2021 07:38

Wow, she’s toxic.

bigbaggyeyes · 12/09/2021 07:40

What an awful thing for your mother to say to you. You are absolutely right to say you're not responsible for anyone's behaviour, just your own. Sounds like she wouldn't listen even if you gave her a few choice words. I think if she mentions it again, say exactly what you did in your op, then put the phone down. Each and every-time she says it

OrangeTortoise · 12/09/2021 07:42

Next time she says it, say something like "I feel sorry for you mum. It must be so hard to feel that you've wasted your life by staying bitter and resentful over things that happened so many years ago." Most people hate it when you pity them!

Billybagpuss · 12/09/2021 07:43

That’s awful that she should blame you, if she does it again you need to explode ‘how dare you, it is not and never has been my fault that he did that’ then finish the call do not let her respond.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 08:17

This is really sad. Thirty years later and she’s not moved on. She just needs to blame someone and she doesn’t wish to blame him. So you’re next in line.

How old is she? She much be in her seventies at least?

I think as hard as it is you just need to accept she’s sad and bitter and she’s never going to change.

My friends mum was like this, not in blaming her daughter but she never ever got over the split till the day she died and it was about forty years of it. It’s just very sad.

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 08:37

I don't think saying "if he hadn't needed to pay for the wedding he wouldn't have taken that job and they'd have never met" is the same thing as blaming you.

We surely do a lot of if only when looking back at our most regretted moments?

You'd think by now though, she'd have someone to realise she's well shot of him.

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 08:39

I don't know where that "someone" came from! ...she'd have realised she's well shot of him.

YvesEveEave · 12/09/2021 08:41

Your mum is clearly wrong to blame you! Of course it isn't anyone's fault but your dad's that he couldn't be faithful and was always trying to dump his own family. If she really wants to blame anyone else then really it would be herself for staying with him after he tried to abandon ship the first time! But it was 30 years ago. Completely bonkers to still be holding a grudge with anyone after that length of time, especially someone who wasn't even at fault.

Is she generally alright MH wise?

Djifunrsn · 12/09/2021 08:42

It just shows what a horrible person she is. There are plenty of horrible people in the world and it’s very unfortunate when you are related to them. I wouldn’t bother contacting her if she’s going to be nasty.

layladomino · 12/09/2021 08:42

That's so cruel (as well as being nonsense, and she must know that??).

It must stem from the fact that she still hasn't 'got over' your DF leaving her, and is still trying to make sense of it. But after such a long time, to decide it was the fault of your wedding is of course ridiculous.

To then say that out loud to you was plain cruel. As your DM is on the other side of the world, presumably you don't have to put up with this nonsense face to face very often, at least.

Depending on how aggrieved you feel, you could raise it with her proactively next time you speak "You blamed my DF leaving on the fact he had a wedding to pay for, insinuating it's in some way my fault. Of course we both know that isn't the case, and that noone forced him to meet someone else and have an affair. I won't tolerate any other suggestions to that effect" and then put the phone down if she says it again. Every time.

I also agree with @OrangeTortoise it's a good ploy to disarm whilst also strenghthening your position as the person who pities her.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 12/09/2021 09:05

She's taking the easy way out. Blaming you is easier than facing the truth. What a wanker her husband was and what kind of person she is for staying with him again and again. She's deluded.

You have two options. Ignore it, safe in the knowledge that it's all bollocks and it's all a reflection on her ,him and their relationship,not you. Or be straight with her , tell her you don't want to hear it anymore and what's done is done. She needs to get over it and over herself.

LowlyTheWorm · 12/09/2021 09:09

Wow- so at 21 you were about to marry for the SECOND time after being married for three years previously? How did that even work out logistically? Married at 16, divorced at 19?
That aside, it’s weird your mum is even still going on about something from so long ago.

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