My mother blames me for my father having affair & leaving her for OW

[noirchatsdeux]

As the title says...When I was 21, my father took a new job at the beginning of the year working 200 miles away from where we lived...for the preceding 9 years he'd been working mainly abroad. I was getting married later on that same year.

While my father was working away, he started an affair with OW. He ended up leaving my mother for her, when I was abroad on honeymoon, 2 days after the wedding. He married the OW 3 years later and they are still married.

My mother now lives on the other side of the world. I rang her tonight, and she mentioned that if I'd stayed with my first husband we would have been married nearly 33 years (I left him after less than 3 years of marriage) ...and then made some remark about my father and OW and how 'if he hadn't had to pay for your wedding he wouldn't have worked away and met OW'. I replied that it wasn't the first time he'd been unfaithful and it probably would have happened eventually anyway. She then said 'No it wouldn't have, it wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for your wedding'...

My father had also tried to dump myself, my mother and my two brothers on the other side of the world when I was 11, by pretending he wanted to return to our home country...he needed a visa as he'd refused citizenship when it was offered to him when we living there. His plan was to send us back first, saying if his visa wasn't processed in time he'd get a later flight. His plan was foiled at literally the last moment when his passport arrived the morning of the day we were leaving...he admitted his plan to my mother that same day...he'd lied about giving notice at his job, had even arranged new accommodation for just himself. My mother still stayed with him...

It's not the first time she's blamed me and my first wedding for my father having the affair. I'm pretty fucking sick of hearing it, I think it's a bloody awful thing for a parent to blame their child for, and it's starting to make me not want to talk to her at all. I told her later in the conversation that I'm not responsible for anyone's behaviour but my own...what else can I say to her to stop her from blaming me?

@LowlyTheWorm

Wow- so at 21 you were about to marry for the SECOND time after being married for three years previously? How did that even work out logistically? Married at 16, divorced at 19? That aside, it’s weird your mum is even still going on about something from so long ago.

No, the wedding at 21 is the first marriage surely? The one that would now be 33 years.

When I was about 22 I broke up with a long term BF due to myself and a close friend developing feelings for eachother. No affair or anything but I realised how much fun I shouted having (BF was almost 10 years older than me and controlling)
Around the same time my Mum had an EA and my patents eventually split up
My Father claimed it was all my fault because my actions had encouraged my Mum to finally tell him she had had enough of their marriage. Nothing to do with his extreme Narcissistic personality and emotional abuse for over 20 years!
Your fathers affair may not have been your mothers fault but it sure as Hell wasnt yours either. I went NC with my father for a variety of reasons and over 20 years on my Mum is married to the lovely sweet man she left my arsehole of a Father for.
Your Mum is hurt by what happened and it’s easier for her to blame you than anyone else.

Of course she's unreasonable. My mum blamed me being a difficult baby for her marriage being on the rocks when I was a teenager. It was actually her difficult personality and later affair that was more the problem!

'Mum, I understand that you are dwelling on the breakup of your marriage. I even understand that you have a blind spot about blaming Dad. But I am really fucking hurt and offended that you keep blaming me getting married. This is going to be a serious problem for me if you can't apologise for being unfair. '

Both of your parents sound horrible tbh. I would just engage with my mom less.not change the subject whenever she talks about your father.

Thanks all!

@Member589500 I'm half Australian, my father is French, they met in the UK and moved back to Australia when my mother was pregnant with me.

@Bluntness100 She's 80 this year. I think what's really pissing her off is the my father has now been married to the OW for 7 years longer than he was married to her.

@SaturdaySpread She has directly said to me - more than once - that if I hadn't made my father feel old (he was 42) by getting married, he wouldn't have gone and had an affair with the OW (who was about 10 years younger than him). She definitely blames me and the wedding.

@LowlyTheWorm The marriage at 21 was my first (33 years ago), I was divorced at 24. I got married again when I was 34.

@MarshmallowSwede They were terrible parents. My father never actually wanted children, my mother told him when they met she couldn't have them (based on absolutely nothing but her 'feeling'). Less than 6 months later she was pregnant with my older brother. My mother is Catholic, so they ended up with two more - my younger brother and myself - before my father finally had a vasectomy.

My mother was/is a narcissist, a 'performance' parent - she only made an effort when we were very young to show off to her family how wonderful she was. When we started living abroad due to my father's work when I was 9, she dropped all pretence. We were fed and clothed but that was it. She put her marriage and my father before us...hence why she stayed with him after he tried dumping us, she couldn't bear the idea of being 'showed up' in front of her family.

My father actually leaving her was a big shock, she honestly thought . that because she didn't want it, it wouldn't happen.