Why have I allowed myself to be treated like this by someone I don’t even have feelings for?

[Imstupidandugly]

I made a fucking list tonight of the shitty things the man (24) I’m “seeing” has done since we started hooking up. Three weeks ago he asked whether I wanted to “go official” but he’s not changed his behavior at all.

We’ve only been sleeping together 4 months. He took me on a date last week and seems to be “stepping up” a bit, but not really,

Here’s the list:

1. I accidentally hurt him once in a play fight and he ignored me for a week even though I apologised about 4 times. Eventually when I saw him next in person he laughed about it and said “I wasn’t bothered, I wanted to see how long I could go without speaking to you”
2. Asking for a hug and he refused saying “who’s got the power now?”
3. Saying things like “I flirt with everyone” / “let’s see if I can get any number tonight”
4. We were cuddling and stuff and I said “can’t believe I’ve not had sex for a week” (referring back to the time we had last he sex) he replied “I had sex three days ago.” When I asked who with he said himself (wtf)
5. He lay in bed with me cuddling me liking pictures of other girls
6. ... this wouldn’t be so bad, but he refused to follow me on it, saying I would be “stalkerish”
7. He told me three weeks ago that he was getting an STI check because he gets one every three months... even though he says he’s only slept with me
8. There was a condom wrapper open in his room when I hadn’t been there for weeks... he said he used it to jerk off with
9. He makes comments about people we work with saying stuff like “oh Jessie asked us for a threesone” obviously because he fancies her... and she doesn’t ask

10. Went home with his cousin who he said was on a “tinder binge” and didn’t speak to me for a week... probably because he was on a tinder binge too. 11. Answered his phone during sex when I was on top 12. I think he took a picture of me when I was putting my phone on charge in his room without clothes on because his flash went off 13. I got him a expensive gift for his birthday and he just said “oh thanks” 14. Made birthday plans wouldn’t tell me what they were and didn’t invite me

What I don’t get is he spent 4 hours on the phone to me telling me how much he liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend when I tried to break it off three weeks ago.

Thing is, I actually don’t have feelings for him. It’s so weird. I’d be the first to admit I did on an anonymous forum!! But I really don’t. I don’t think he’s intelligent or funny... he’s good looking but a lot of people are. So why do I care so much?

Please tell me what to do I’m a fucking idiot

I would just block him and move on, and I wouldn't bother contacting him to tell him why.

This is spooky - this reads almost exactly like a situation my cousin was in. We told her and told her, please get rid of this waste of space but she wasn't having it. She said "I don't have feelings for him, so I'm not going to get hurt". One year later, she's in pieces as she (obviously) ended up falling for him and really went through hell when they inevitably broke up.

Pleaaaase OP, I'm begging you - heed the warning of my cousin's cautionary tale!! Get rid of this idiot. End it immediately, block and forget him. Do not linger!! You deserve so so so much better.

You probably care because he has triggered some deep rooted anxiety or upset in you that is now playing out in your nervous system as if it's happening now. What you feel is not because of him but because of something else that happened in the past. Does that sound plausible? Can you think of anything like that?

What I take from your post and the examples is that you sound about 17 years old give or take a couple of years at most.

So maybe you don't have much by way of relationship experience or maybe you've had inconsistent parental figures and don't have a fully developed sense of your core values and a strong sense of self.

Whether you are actually in your twenties or even older is neither here nor there - to me you come across like that and my answer to your question is that it really isn't about the feelings you have for him, it's the feelings you have about yourself which could do with some unpicking. He's a mere detail in all of this.

I actually think that the 'open condom wrapper' plus all the other little asides about STD checks/'liking Girls pics' Tinder Binges etc, etc are his way of 'keeping you on your toes' ( twat ) making you believe he has plenty of other options out there, so you better compete and step up.

I don't believe him in other words.
Have known this behaviour and recognise it Op.
He's a gaslighting cunt. Block and move on. 🙂

Well he sounds like a peach.

Does he have a brother? 😁

I only got halfway through the list before posting LTB

Oh my god do it for womankind please. Block and mean it.
He’s acting like a young teenager and needs to know that at least some women have boundaries. It may take a few of you to refuse proper relationships with him for him to realise he’s not capable of one and needs to grow up if he ever wants more than a casual shag.
One more time. Block him. One message
‘Hi been thinking. I’m not happy with things and I need to end this. Please don’t contact me again’.

Perhaps you feel ifvyou can change him and make him desire you and only you tgat will validate you.

I hope you see the light and run as he is totally vile and remaining with him will only erode your self esteem further.

You have been treated like this before, disrespected and humiliated. This time you are hoping for a different ending. Think about breaking the cycle of behaviour you grew up in. Your acceptance of this shit doesn’t come from nowhere.

He sounds disgusting.

Aw...sending you a big hug, OP.

This guy isn't a good 'un.
He's given you a huge list of behaviours you shouldn't accept in a relationship. You'll spot them much more quickly next time 🙂

He's playing you. However irrational, because he shows interest in other women and isn't kind to you, you (probably subconsciously) want to show you are worth having and are better than the competition.

It's a horribly abusive situation to be in and nothing good will come of it.

Dump him. If he seems to get upset about that, remember IT ISN'T REAL.

Move on and find a healthier relationship.

I made it to #2. He's a prick and you deserve better. Get him fucked right off, sharpish.

You are clearly aware of his MANY failings. You don't have feelings for him. Why can't you send him a message telling him it's over, it isn't working for you?

Whatever the barrier is, you need to get over it and just do it. He sounds vile, childish, stupid. He upsets you on purpose. He sleeps around (or at least wants you to think he does).

The longer you stay with him the more of your time you are wasting and the more regret you will feel when it's finally over.

He knows how badly he's treating you - he's doing it on purpose after all. He must be shocked at what you're willing to put up with. It's like he's setting a series of trials to see how far he can push you.

Which fits with him begging you to take him back when you left him before.... he pushed you too far. You ended it. He realised he'd gone too far and so had to reel you back in, convince you he was genuine, and then he could restart the vile behaviour. He's hoping he can train you to put up with anything. It amuses him. It makes him feel powerful.

Break his power now. Tell him he's dumped then avoid any further communication. Leave him guessing as to why.

OP have been in exactly your situation, a few times actually, in my younger years. I still sometimes look back and wonder why I allowed that from, especially for someone I didn’t even really like!

The answers I have come to is that I had low self esteem and didn’t think I deserved any better. I was terrible at setting boundaries for myself, and desperately needed attention from men to make a myself feel better. I was afraid no one else would want me.

Now I know that everyone deserves better then how those guys treated me and that I am decent person but it has taken me years to build up this level of confidence in myself. I think it was linked to my childhood.

I can tell you from experience that a relationship with a man who doesn’t respect you will only damage your self esteem further and make you weaker. The guy you are seeing sounds absolutely awful, like he enjoys tormenting you, he is cruel.

Please leave him immediately and start working on yourself. I assume you are quite young so you have plenty of time, sort the issues you ha W out now and you WILL be able to find a happy relationship in the future. But this guy is just not it, and will only hurt you.

Whatever you do don't let him move in with you.

Captnip500 Sun 12-Sep-21 13:47:14
OP have been in exactly your situation, a few times actually, in my younger years. I still sometimes look back and wonder why I allowed that from, especially for someone I didn’t even really like!

The answers I have come to is that I had low self esteem and didn’t think I deserved any better. I was terrible at setting boundaries for myself, and desperately needed attention from men to make a myself feel better. I was afraid no one else would want me.
....
It happened to me to as a young person, definitely linked to my childhood. I didn't realise how vulnerable I was.

I sometimes look back and think, "Why did I do that when I didn't even like it!".

It's probably a more common occurrence than we realise. Thank goodness we both came through it and are OK but I'm sure there must be people who didn't.

The op must get out of this pointless apology for a relationship.

I am actually in my mid 20s which is quite embarrassing. When I was 22 I was in a relationship with a man who used to abuse me (sexually and psychologically and physically) and I don’t think I’ve ever been right since then to be honest.

It might be obvious for everyone here but I have to make these lists and ask other people because I don’t trust my own judgement. Years of being called nuts or crazy probably. Everyone always tells me what a nice man he is...

Ugh! He's vile. Bin.

He's got the emotional maturity of a wet wipe. Sounds like he needs constant validation so he's never going to manage to be committed to you. Ditch it.

Get your coat and get out of his life. He’s nothing but a prick by the sounds

Delete his number and block him on everything. Make a promise to yourself to stay no contact.

He's a complete waster.

LTB and look into your attachment style. As you’ve been in an abusive relationship before also look into the Freedom Programme.

Everyone always tells me what a nice man he is.

Well they haven’t been on the receiving end of his blatant cruelty. You are currently his narcissistic supply, so when you threatened to leave he manipulated you to reel you back in. It worked.

OP, staying with this abuser will diminish you beyond recognition. Surely you want a much better life than this.