Struggling to cope with controlling husband

[Chicken512]

I feel like maybe it’s trivial so don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but I feel so worn down...
My dh quite often mumbles (although he thinks he’s speaking clearly) or will say something to me when there’s noise in the background so I don’t hear what he’s said. Whenever I ask him to repeat what he’s said he ignores me no matter how many times I politely ask him to repeat himself... I don’t know why he does this.. he also gets extremely annoyed at me.
Anytime my phone makes a noise he makes mocking beeping noises and comments and makes me feel like I can never message anyone. This has led to me only using my phone when he’s not around and now I am very jumpy and if he ever walks in on me using it, it makes me feel stressed even though I have done nothing wrong and then if I try to hide it, it probably looks like I’m hiding something when I’m not. I’m just scared of his reaction.
He also constantly call me idiot, twat and other rude names but says it’s a joke. But I don’t really find it that funny because he says it in not a very nice way.
I feel like he doesn’t have much consideration for me - recently he’s started going back into the office and won’t tell me when he’s going in or what his schedule is which disrupts my work and plans and when I try to ask him, he just gets annoyed.
I’m feeling really low and constantly quite anxious but I feel like maybe I’m just being crazy? Does anyone have any advice?

@Neverunderstood thank you! I will try to get a copy

The name calling is particularly awful. Based on a recent thread where this was really bad it was a cultural mismatch- where the OP was a different culture to her DH and he disapproved of perfectly normal things but they were frowned upon in his culture. Is this relevant in your situation?

Nevertheless, you are in an abusive situation. It will only get worse. Please get some help in RL.

He’s gaslighting you. He wants you to feel like you are the problem, that your wrong for not hearing his mumbles, for being on your phone. He’s making you then feel guilty when you use your phone, of course he hates you being on your phone- he wants to isolate you. Men like this are almost 99% of the time paranoid, untrusting etc and although will not always outright say it, will drop hints and imply things to make you feel like you have done something wrong. Sit in moods after you have been texting, as if they think your messaging someone but won’t outright say it, he wants you to get the hint that he doesn’t like you being on the phone, without telling you to stop because then they can’t look innocent can they? It’s manipulation. I cannot tell you how many moods I used to put up with, sly digs, just an atmosphere that somebody is angry at you and thinking what have I done, then if you ask it’s “ nothing, why are you feeling guilty over something??” It’s horrific. It only gets worse to be honest. Once they feel then win at one thing it will become something else. First it’s your phone, next it will be a certain friend, your girls night out, your clothes etc. Next time he mumbles and moan ms you haven’t listened simply say “ if you expect me to hear you, speak clearly”. I would start making plans to leave, men like this don’t change OP. Do you want to spend your life hiding to send a message? All the best xxx

@Puffalicious no cultural differences...
I’m on the sofa can’t sleep. Started coughing in bed (had a cough recently due to asthma) and I heard him say ‘Jesus’ because I coughed quite a few times so I went downstairs :(

Divorce is the best option here.

Kick him out..,

So so so sad.
You should be enjoying your time with the baby not feeling like this
He’s a nasty evil person and he is enjoying making your life a misery,
Hope you sort this out 💐

@BeaucoupFish thank you for your kind message. Don’t think I’m going to get any sleep tonight. I feel so alone

I’m so sorry you feel like this
Do you have any family support

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@BeaucoupFish thank you. Unfortunately my mum died when I was a teenager and my dad is an alcoholic who was abusive and I have no siblings, no other family
@BlankTimes thank you!

[quote Chicken512]@Soontobe60 but other times he’s nice to me... but anytime I try to tell him he’s upset me, he always acts like he’s done nothing and that I’m just being a drama queen[/quote]
This was my reasoning too 🤦🏻‍♀️

HE IS ABUSING YOU

He hates you.

It's that simple, sadly.

Oh OP this sounds so distressing, I hope you're managing to get some sleep now. Time to start planning your exit from this very abusive relationship.

Your post made me cry.

You are such a nice, understanding normal person, you are bewildered at his behaviour and trying to figure it out, as though he were a normal person, too, with some weird attitudes.

Trying to figure him out is a waste of effort. Your every thought and plan now, all your energy, needs to be saved for your escape plan.

As others have said, he hates you and has tried to trap you in an abusive relationship. He will NEVER stop, even if you challenge him, beg him, try to change him, reason with him etc. Because he enjoys it. The only reason your leaving would bother him is that you are taking away his plaything - yourself.

He will never improve. In fact, they always, ALWAYS gradually get worse. He'll want to give you another baby and a third, as each thing that ties you to him gives him more power to abuse you.

Thank goodness you are seeing it NOW, when you only have one child.

You HAVE to escape from this abuser. Start making plans. He must leave. Tell him you want a divorce.

This is abuse. Very classic textbook awful abuse.

You are not God. You do not have the power to change anybody.

Some people do change, but that's because they want to. He doesn't want to, he wants to feel more powerful than you in any way possible - using words, for now.

He won't "change for you" or "change so he doesn't lose you" if you tell him. What he's doing isn't a mistake. It's very, very deliberate.

If he ever appears to stop, it will be 100% manipulation. He will be choosing to stop, just like he's choosing to do it now and can (and will) choose to restart later on (at a time of his choosing).

You do not have to accept this though. You can make it stop by leaving. That's the only way this will stop.

You may feel like staying with him is your best chance to build a family for your daughter. Your daughter doesn't want her mother to feel like this. She doesn't want to grow up watching her mother treated like this and she doesn't want to experience it herself either.

I hope you manage to leave him before he damages you too badly (emotionally or physically). Whatever steps you take to prepare to leave though, whenever you do it, do not warn him you're going to leave, or thinking about leaving. When you've left, do not give him your address. He'll have your phone number. That's enough.

Lastly, I always remind myself that even Hitler was vegetarian and had friends. Almost nobody is horrible to everybody 100% of the time. What makes someone a nice or good person is that they're not mean, malicious or abusive. Your DH is not a nice person.

He sounds horrid, no one, and I mean no one should have to put up with being called names. You'd be treated as a bully if you did it at school, so why does he think it's acceptable as an adult? That alone would have me researching divorce solicitors, never mind the rest.

Him being nasty and nice is all part of the abusers tool set. If they were nasty all the time they never keep anyone or get into a relationship, so they have to be nice now and again.

This reminds me very much of my ex. I was always a 'stupid b' or some other derogatory insult.

I could fill the page with similar incidents to yours.
Im out and on the other side.

You can do it, you need do it. It can be as difficult or as easy as you make it. You are in control.

Make the leap. You will be more than fine. If you stay, you will not.

Abusive relationships always escalate. You need to get out Chicken.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please listen to what posters on here are saying, and please take up the reading suggestions.

You don't understand why he's like this because he is an abuser and you are a decent person. You won't ever be able to rationalise how he acts because there isn't an explanation that would make sense to you.

He is abusing you, in many ways. Yes he may be nice sometimes, but that is all part of his plan to keep you in your place. As someone said, if he was vile all the time you wouldn't have stuck around would you? But remember, when he's being nice it isn't genuine 'nice' - it is part of him reeling you in and controlling you.

You have listed so many ways he's controlling you (and I bet there's more that you haven't mentioned or haven't even realised yet). There is no question he is abusive. It isn't you. You haven't done anythign wrong. You haven't caused it or provoked it. He would be like this with another woman just the same. It is him. It is really important that you know that.

You can't fix him. You can't make him different. This is who he WANTS to be. He won't get better. He could get worse.

Please start taking steps to get away. Seek advice - legal advice, counselling perhaps (on your own, never with him), and keep posting on here.

Take care of yourself, and don't tell him what you're planning as he could become a much bigger threat to you if he realises he's losing control, and at best he'll do all he can to be 'nice' and to change your mind (just long enough to get you back in your box, then he'll start with the abuse again).

One step at a time you can get yourself out of this awful relationship. You will be amazed how much lighter, calmer, happier you are without him. That will be great for you and great for your DC. With each step you will feel a little bit stronger.

It won't be easy, as abusive men don't take rejection well, but the alternative is to spend the rest of your life (and to subject your DC to it) with a man who shows he doesn't love you, doesn't respect you and is happy to make your life miserable for his own kicks.

One last thing - in the meantime - Please stop saying pardon when you don't hear what he says. He is trying to upset you so he can claim you're unbalanced / angry. Just ignore. Carry on what you're doing as though you didn't hear him at all.

OP, you grew up in an abusive home, and so now you are being abused too in your own home- unfortunately your childhood experiences have caused you to choose the wrong partner. Your DD will likely do the same unless you get out now. Do it for her sake.

@Chicken512 - I can’t add to the really good advice you’ve had on here, but it took me 15 years to exit my marriage, with a very similar scenario. The mumbling, the inability to use my phone etc etc.

It’s like the boiling frog analogy, although it seems like your DH has turned up the heat a little faster than mine did.

The Lundy Bancroft book is excellent, and there’s a huge amount of stuff online. Check out Narcissistic behaviours.

"Unfortunately my mum died when I was a teenager and my dad is an alcoholic who was abusive and I have no siblings, no other family"

I often ask what people learnt about relationships when they were growing up. All you describe has played a part in you being with this man now. I am so very sorry to read about your late mother. Your boundaries, already skewed in particular by your dad's alcoholism (did you try or want to try and fix him too?) made you a target going forward for someone like your now H to abuse. He targeted you, of that I have no doubt whatsoever.

You were and indeed are not able to "fix" your dad and you will not be able to "fix" your H either. This is who they are and they are not for changing. Your H does this because he can and he feels absolutely entitled to do so. He honestly does feel he is doing nothing wrong here re you.

You are in a controlling relationship with your H and it will go ever more downwards for you and in turn your child. Controlling behaviours like he is showing you and your child are abusive behaviours rooted in power and control. Your only real option now is to plan your exit carefully because your H is not going to want to let go of you at all easily. What he is also showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Do read the Lundy Bancroft book (do not let H see this) and seek legal advice re divorce asap. It would also be a good idea for you to contact Womens Aid.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Your child cannot and must not grow up in a household like this one being described.