Anyones DC never not like the NRP?

[AcceptedTheTruth]

Left ExH when my DD was 2.5, she’s now 7 (so just over 4 years apart). He was violent and controlling and has a criminal record because of it.

CAO in place, he has DD for 1 night EOW and Christmas Day until BD works out at 26-27 days per year (e.g. It’ll be 26 this year as CD falls on his weekend with her). He was offered weekday contact in court but refused it, he lives 2 miles from me and still well within the catchment for her school (big catchment as there’s a few outlying villages without schools nearby).

I don’t hate my ExH, I don’t even resent him. It is what it is. I have never told DD why I left her dad, I don’t believe she needs to know. However she’s told people that she remembers her dad hitting me, and making me cry. My family and friends tell me I still give him far too much control and empathy.

I’ve had trauma counselling and done the freedom programme. I have PTSD but it is life and there’s no point milling it over or living in the past. I will likely never live with another person (male, female, family or not) who isn’t my DD again.

ExH has denied hitting her to me. She has never asked me why we split up. I know she has asked my mum and my mum told her the truth despite me telling my mum never to tell her – I will not be responsible for ExH hating me again.

DD doesn’t believe us apparently. Even though she remembers me being hit, and the crying she says she loves ExH and will live with him when she can. She has told school the same thing.

She’s had counselling herself, and they said she misses her dad and hasn’t really accepted the split. They didn’t think there was any alienation, just a small child who struggles with going between homes and struggles with only see her dad sometimes. I told ExH and offered weekday contact (as did school) and he said no.

I’ve accepted its nothing I’ve done wrong. But will she ever feel differently? Or do I have to accept that at 18 or whenever the CAO expires she’ll move in with her dad?

Posting here as I think AIBU will be too brutal and chat isn’t the right place.

*me to her that should be

I’ve accepted its nothing I’ve done wrong. But will she ever feel differently? Or do I have to accept that at 18 or whenever the CAO expires she’ll move in with her dad?

She's 7 and, I imagine, does fun stuff at her father's rather than having to do all the dull stuff that normal life involves. She doesn't understand this right now, all she sees is Fun Parent and Everyday Stuff Parent.

Just be there as her solid ground - she needs a stable base and I do believe she will come to realise what her father is like and how it's not going be fun fun fun all the time if she were to moves in with him. Mine came to appreciate what I've done for them (they're adult/mid teen)

It's tough though.

Hard to follow but he was offered weekday contact but refused? So does he have any contact at all? In which case if he doesn't then why does she have any attachment to him full stop?

She's seven. She sees her dad once every two weeks when he's making an effort to be nice. Maybe she feels sorry for him, being alone. She loves him, which is normal.

BUT kids aren't daft. When she's older and she asks him to come to her school play or sports day or to do something for her, and he can't be arsed, she'll work it out. She'll know who is there for her when she is ill or needs a cuddle or needs to talk something over.

My ds loves his dad, but at 13 he has recently described his df as 'a bit hopeless really'. Not bitter, not nasty, just starting to see things as they really are.

You have a long time yet before you need to worry. You don't bad mouth him in front of her or try to influence her, and that's how it should be.

Sorry just seen, he has weekend contact.

@SnatchCassidy

Hard to follow but he was offered weekday contact but refused? So does he have any contact at all? In which case if he doesn't then why does she have any attachment to him full stop?

He has her Every other Weekend for 1 night.

@Mintjulia

She's seven. She sees her dad once every two weeks when he's making an effort to be nice. Maybe she feels sorry for him, being alone. She loves him, which is normal.

BUT kids aren't daft. When she's older and she asks him to come to her school play or sports day or to do something for her, and he can't be arsed, she'll work it out. She'll know who is there for her when she is ill or needs a cuddle or needs to talk something over.

My ds loves his dad, but at 13 he has recently described his df as 'a bit hopeless really'. Not bitter, not nasty, just starting to see things as they really are.

You have a long time yet before you need to worry. You don't bad mouth him in front of her or try to influence her, and that's how it should be.

Thats the problem, he does all those things. He goes to her plays and sports day (or he did when it was allowed when she was in Reception and first part of year 1, Year 3 now).

He leaves me to take her to the doctors and dentist and make her brush her teeth before school though.

She's only 7, I doubt that she will say the same things in a few years time.

You're safe and she trusts you to be there whatever she says or does.

She fawns over the more absent parent precisely because he's not safe and not reliable.

Time will tell. Try not to take it personally.

@category12

She's only 7, I doubt that she will say the same things in a few years time.

You're safe and she trusts you to be there whatever she says or does.

She fawns over the more absent parent precisely because he's not safe and not reliable.

Time will tell. Try not to take it personally.

I’ve accepted it and when DD tells me I just say she can make the choice when she’s an adult.

It does sting a bit though.

I’m not sure why you want her to hate him? Would you rather she didn’t like him and was screaming and crying not to go but was forced into it every other weekend because the court order states she had to? He’s her father so of course she’s going to love him no matter what, my kids dad didn’t see them for 3 years but when they saw him again they were still acting like he was the best thing ever despite him not bothering with them for years.

I don't think OP wants her dd to hate him, she's just finding it worrying and painful that she's saying she wants to go and live with him and will do as soon as she is able to.

Well there are parents whose kids hate going to see the dad and they have to force them every weekend and feel terrible about it so I’m not sure that’s better, she doesn’t want to live with him she’s 7 she will soon be running back home if she went to live there, she only sees him once a fortnight and it’s probably all fun and games. Doesn’t sound like he would want it anyway if he was offered weekday contact and said no he’s hardly going to want her living there full time

@PumpkinKlNG

I’m not sure why you want her to hate him? Would you rather she didn’t like him and was screaming and crying not to go but was forced into it every other weekend because the court order states she had to? He’s her father so of course she’s going to love him no matter what, my kids dad didn’t see them for 3 years but when they saw him again they were still acting like he was the best thing ever despite him not bothering with them for years.

I absolutely do not want her to hate him. At all @PumpkinKlNG the opposite actually hence why I encourage weekday contact, I want DD to have two loving parents as I thought she'd have when I found out I was pregnant.

And he absolutely would have her fulltime, he tried to get full residency in court. His solution was she'd live with him at his parents, he'd quit work and live of benefits and the CM from me - he actually put this forward as a solution when arguing about residency in court. He's told DD before I am a gold digger and only left him for the CM (all £30 a month of it, wow I'm living it up). His parents activiely encourage him as well, we've been to court twice over residency both times this was his solution.

Try not to stress over it. She will see things very differently as she grows up. She will also become increasingly aware of what your feelings might be. Probably she just has fun with him and misses him in between visits. She won't be looking to be spending lots of time with either of you once she's 18!

Try not to worry. As a child I would have loved to live withy dad because he was a Disney dad with the income to spoil us . Probably because he paid minimum maintenance and rented a room in his brothers house.
By 18 I'd realised the truth.
I'm 37 now. And a single parent. I don't have a very high opinion of my father at all.

@PumpkinKlNG

I’m not sure why you want her to hate him? Would you rather she didn’t like him and was screaming and crying not to go but was forced into it every other weekend because the court order states she had to? He’s her father so of course she’s going to love him no matter what, my kids dad didn’t see them for 3 years but when they saw him again they were still acting like he was the best thing ever despite him not bothering with them for years.

I’m not sure anything suggests that op wants her to hate him? It obviously hurts that she has said as soon as she’s old enough she’ll live with daddy! @AcceptedTheTruth keep doing what you’re doing, providing her with a stable, happy home. My eldest dd has just turned 18, it used to hurt like hell when she thought the sun shined out of her dads bum and wanted to be with him all the time. Now she sees him for what he really is it hurts me even more. She even suggested I should push my other 3s dad to have them more so our house would be the fun house as when she was younger that’s how she saw her dads house and she wanted to be there all the time. It’s sad she now sees it for how it was.

I think keep doing what you are doing, she is 7 at the moment but things will change as she matures.

NotRightNowPlease The thread title suggests she would rather her dd didn’t like him!

Hang tight Op
She is very very little
She will grow up , mature and she will see him for what he is
This will suck for you for a while , and it’s not fair
And as parents it’s not always easy to produce such unconditional love ❤️
But she will x

She may have noticed a reaction in you when she said she would live with her dad and so may use it now to get that same reaction. Try to let it over your head and never talk badly about her dad unless he does something very bad right now. Remember at 18 she will possibly be living away from home anyway so it's not worth wasting energy on worrying about that now. Just be the Mom you are and your dd will remember that as she grows. Its very stressful for you going through court etc so take care of yourself and try not to let that man take up any space in your head.
Is your dd safe with this man? I am surprised he doesn't have to have supervised access due to his history.

If he's violent why does he have this level of access?

She's 7. I wouldn't worry about it right now. She be her mom .
Someone is having these very adult conversations with her when they shouldn't be.

@arcof

If he's violent why does he have this level of access?

Court awarded it

@NotRightNowPlease "@AcceptedTheTruth keep doing what you’re doing, providing her with a stable, happy home. My eldest dd has just turned 18, it used to hurt like hell when she thought the sun shined out of her dads bum and wanted to be with him all the time. Now she sees him for what he really is it hurts me even more. She even suggested I should push my other 3s dad to have them more so our house would be the fun house as when she was younger that’s how she saw her dads house and she wanted to be there all the time. It’s sad she now sees it for how it was.". I expect this is what will happen for your DD @AcceptedTheTruth. I was that child, it's what happened for me. Now I'm seeing some of the other side of it. I understand the fear, I think about that sometimes with Stbxh. Though right now our older DC don't trust him and that really hurts too. I'm simultaneously worried they'll want to see him all the time when we split and worried they won't want to see him at all. I want them to have a father and he does love them. But OMG it is hard.

[quote LunaAndHerMoonDragons]**@NotRightNowPlease* "@AcceptedTheTruth keep doing what you’re doing, providing her with a stable, happy home. My eldest dd has just turned 18, it used to hurt like hell when she thought the sun shined out of her dads bum and wanted to be with him all the time. Now she sees him for what he really is it hurts me even more. She even suggested I should push my other 3s dad to have them more so our house would be the fun house as when she was younger that’s how she saw her dads house and she wanted to be there all the time. It’s sad she now sees it for how it was.". I expect this is what will happen for your DD @AcceptedTheTruth*. I was that child, it's what happened for me. Now I'm seeing some of the other side of it. I understand the fear, I think about that sometimes with Stbxh. Though right now our older DC don't trust him and that really hurts too. I'm simultaneously worried they'll want to see him all the time when we split and worried they won't want to see him at all. I want them to have a father and he does love them. But OMG it is hard.[/quote]
@LunaAndHerMoonDragons I want them to have a father and he does love them. But OMG it is hard.

This really got me, as it's so true. I want her to have a great relationship with her dad and love him, but it's so hard because I am almost torn with everything he's done and the way he acts.