Anyones DC never not like the NRP?

[AcceptedTheTruth]

Left ExH when my DD was 2.5, she’s now 7 (so just over 4 years apart). He was violent and controlling and has a criminal record because of it.

CAO in place, he has DD for 1 night EOW and Christmas Day until BD works out at 26-27 days per year (e.g. It’ll be 26 this year as CD falls on his weekend with her). He was offered weekday contact in court but refused it, he lives 2 miles from me and still well within the catchment for her school (big catchment as there’s a few outlying villages without schools nearby).

I don’t hate my ExH, I don’t even resent him. It is what it is. I have never told DD why I left her dad, I don’t believe she needs to know. However she’s told people that she remembers her dad hitting me, and making me cry. My family and friends tell me I still give him far too much control and empathy.

I’ve had trauma counselling and done the freedom programme. I have PTSD but it is life and there’s no point milling it over or living in the past. I will likely never live with another person (male, female, family or not) who isn’t my DD again.

ExH has denied hitting her to me. She has never asked me why we split up. I know she has asked my mum and my mum told her the truth despite me telling my mum never to tell her – I will not be responsible for ExH hating me again.

DD doesn’t believe us apparently. Even though she remembers me being hit, and the crying she says she loves ExH and will live with him when she can. She has told school the same thing.

She’s had counselling herself, and they said she misses her dad and hasn’t really accepted the split. They didn’t think there was any alienation, just a small child who struggles with going between homes and struggles with only see her dad sometimes. I told ExH and offered weekday contact (as did school) and he said no.

I’ve accepted its nothing I’ve done wrong. But will she ever feel differently? Or do I have to accept that at 18 or whenever the CAO expires she’ll move in with her dad?

Posting here as I think AIBU will be too brutal and chat isn’t the right place.

She’s only young and has many years to go before she’s an adult.

As an adult I personally felt more able to see the faults in parents, even more so when I had my own children.

oh it's hard OP, I know. My ex is a crap father and was a crap, abusive husband. He's continued the abuse as much as he can post divorce. He is passive aggressive and manipulative. But he's disney dad of the year, and my dcs think he's marvellous. I do all the drudge, dentists, haircuts, nits, blah blah blah. He takes them for sushi and he's great.

It's what it is. All you can do is just keep on doing it. People tell me that my kids will realise when they're grown up. My eldest are teens now, and they haven't voted with their feet yet....

My daughter was 6 when her dad and I split up. She didn't ever want to live with him but did struggle with not seeing him. Including behaving impeccably when she was with him and being an utter nightmare at home. I understood why but it was hard!

I've never spoken badly of her dad, never given her details of our relationship or the breakdown. I've always facilitated contact, been flexible and supportive of it and always spoken positively about him to her. He has also been the typical Disney dad.

She's 15 now. She's not stupid and she can see exactly who he is amd his faults. She even recognises now that her behaviour is 'worse' when she comes home from a weekend at his and why.

Be the supportive, consistent and stable home and he will reveal himself to her soon enough.

I used to say the same stuff about my dad and he was disinterested. Looking back (for me personally), I was just saying I wanted a rescuer. Not him, just someone to rescue me from sad feelings and confusing things. I just needed more connections and more time to talk.

As a teenager, I realised what a shit he was. It was really empowering when I decided to cut contact. We have zero contact now.

I don't want to upset you but once's she's 12ish, a judge would say it is up to dd where she lives and how often she sees the other parent.

But on the other hand, do you think your ex would invite her to live with him if he's not having 50/50 now? Do you think he might show his controlling side to her - especially when she's a hormonal preteen who pushes boundaries ?