Counselling leading to false hope

[Calibrate]

My partner is an alcoholic who is verbally nasty to me when drunk. I snapped last week and told him we were done, and he is now in the spare room and we are pretty much leading separate lives.

I have told him I would leave him before, but once he has sobered up and apologised I have backed down. Not this time though. It is as if my love for him switched off overnight and he has realised there is an almighty shift in our dynamic.

He has been to the doctor and has got referals to a variety of services. He hasn't had a drink since last week and has been bending over backwards to look after me, do housework, etc etc.

He is devastated and looks terrible as he isn't eating or sleeping properly. He has asked me if I would consider going to counselling with him, and I agreed. In my mind it would be to make a separation an easier transition, but he now thinks there is a chance of reconciliation, which I am 99% positive is not going to happen.

Should I say I have changed my mind about counselling? Or go?

I would go but make it clear that counselling does not equate to reconciliation.

I found counselling very helpful for articulating my reasons for ending the marriage, for setting out in my mind how things needed to move forward and doing it in a neutral space in front of another person was hugely beneficial.

I also think that it makes the other partner see things in a new light.

Do you have kids ? If so it’s worth it as you will have to coparent
Otherwise yeah , can see your rationale

What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge he has gone without alcohol?. A week is nothing in the great scheme of things and his actions now all are far too little and far too late. His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from. You have been and remain as caught up in his alcoholism too; you're his enabler and provoker (because you never forget). You may well be codependent and you certainly need to get off this merry go around named denial permanently.

I would not go to counselling with an abusive drunkard; no decent counsellor would ever want to counsel the two of you together also because of the abuse he has meted out. Joint counselling is never recommended in such circumstances.

Would now start to separate and from that rebuild your life without him in it. Get support too for your own self from the likes of Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. BTW did you yourself grow up seeing alcoholism?. If you did this may well be a factor in why you chose this particular man.

We don't have shared children, and all step children have grown up and flown the nest.

He is fully aware of the negatives he has brought to my life as a result of his drinking over the years and admits to family, friends and doctors that he doesn't understand why I stayed and tried to support him for so long.

I hate to see him so destroyed, as I would hate to see anyone in such a state, but he brought it on himself and I am just numb to his distress. I won't let him touch me, and I can't even bring myself to give him a hug when he is in bits.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, sensible advice, thank you. No, I had a very happy upbringing with no issues of abuse of any kind, and my parents drank rarely. My partner was not an alcoholic when we met, but his alcoholic intake has crept up over the years, becoming a problem over the last 5 or 6

I think it maybe worth going to the counselling but only a couple of times (any more and he might think you are working on saving the relationship) and only if it suits you too. It may be cathartic for you to explain how his actions impacted you.

Trying to be a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship never works out. Trying also to get another person to change their behaviour is impossible.

You will need to ask yourself some awkward questions namely what do you get out of this relationship and why have you stayed for so very long (was it really because of your stepchildren)?. What has made you seemingly finally snap?. I daresay too they don't come and visit very often.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Only HE can help his own self here and you cannot force such a change. He never actually wanted your help and support. What could you have done to "help" him here - nothing really. You can only help your own self ultimately and you are not responsible for other people's choices including his.

I would certainly not hang around another 5 or 6 years waiting for him to have some epiphany that will not likely happen. OK so he has made appointments but that may have only happened because you insisted he did something about his drinking. If that is the case he is not going to successfully tackle the reasons behind his drinking to excess.

Rebuild your life; you deserve a life free of both alcoholism and abuse. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, the children (mine and his, not joint children) flew the nest way before the drinking became an issue, but no, they don't visit often now :(

I stayed because I loved him and he could go months without drinking, months where he was the lovely man I met. The time between drinking has reduced though, usually every two weeks he has a four or five day session. I have no idea what made me snap last week, it was as if a light went out.

To be fair to him this time, I haven't insisted he seeks help for his drinking, he has done this off his own back. It used to be me making him appointments, researching services that could help him, but obviously that didn't work as he didn't want to stop.

I do think he will do everything in his power to stop this time, and will have a high chance of success as when he sets his mind to something he is very determined, but it doesn't change my numbness and antipathy towards him

@cravingthelook

I would go but make it clear that counselling does not equate to reconciliation.

I found counselling very helpful for articulating my reasons for ending the marriage, for setting out in my mind how things needed to move forward and doing it in a neutral space in front of another person was hugely beneficial.

I also think that it makes the other partner see things in a new light.

That is my thinking, but he thinks it means we are working towards reconciliation :(

Couples counselling is for couples trying to resolve issues. I’d personally not go as it’s HIM who needs counselling for his issues

People don't go to counselling to always get back together. It can be a space for people to talk openly and honestly and realise that reconciliation is not possible. It can also help people separate more amicably.

I agree with everything Attila said. I would not go to the counselling.

I would use the first session for you to be heard. Why you are ending it and why it's final.

It may be quicker for you to book it tbh.

OP what do you want to do? If you've changed your mind don't go, it's a perfectly valid viewpoint and you mustn't feel obliged to 'help' him, you've done enough for him already.

Otoh, if you feel that discussing your relationship might be productive or helpful for you then agree to whatever period of counselling or number of sessions you think will work for you, and be clear at the outset with your husband and the counsellor that you have some hard boundaries.

I had Relate counselling with an abusive partner (many years ago, maybe their policy has changed), who by that stage had also started an anger management course. The counsellor said that if any abuse took place after counselling had started we'd have to stop (iirc we both had to commit to walk away if we felt it was heading in that direction). I did attend a number of sessions before the penny dropped that I'd never be able to trust him and I said that during a session and ended both the relationship and the sessions. In that respect it did help me because it enabled me to 1) tell my side of the story with a witness present, which was oddly validating and 2) end the relationship safely and on my own terms.

Any decision you make should serve your own needs as a priority.

Also consider Al-Anon if you want to process your own feelings without his input.

I would not go to couples counselling

You need to focus on yourself right now and counselling will make it all about him and his woes and how maybe you could have been more supportive and blah blah blah

I would encourage him to go counselling on his own

Has he made the counselling appointment yet?

If so, phone them up and ask if they recommend joint counselling when there is abuse. They will say no, only individual. So then make an appointment just for yourself and tell your partner that’s what they recommended.

I suspect it won’t be an issue as he won’t make any appointment, but I hope I’m wrong. You should go anyway on your own.

I’d also strongly recommend al Anon .

I agree with @RandomMess, go with him to the first session and use it and the therapist to make it clear this is the end for you and your reasons why. I wouldn't get into any discussions or bargaining he may try and leave if you have to.

It should be a safe place for you to make clear and absolute your intentions. How he deals with it going forward is down to him.

From my own experience I agreed to marriage counselling with my emotionally abusive and he used it to charm the therapist and twist to his own agenda. To be fair, I was very confused, scared and wavering at this point so easy to manipulate by him. I had just started personal therapy and it hadn't twigged what he had been doing to me all those years.

The second attempt to get me into line with a Relate Counsellor failed dismally for him. I told it as it was to the counsellor that I didn't want to be in the marriage any more. Counsellor accepted it and basically told him it was game over. I think it helped to have someone neutral to back me up.

Should say exDH

I would tell him that you are proud of him for admitting he needs help and for finally seeking that help but as far as repairing your relationship goes, it's just too little, too late. It's damaged beyond the point of saving. Be clear.

I went to counselling with my ex-narc. It was a great way to listen to him answer direct questions from the counselor. Questions that he would never answer when I asked them. So it helped me validate what I already knew, and enabled me to end the marriage without guilt.

Thank you all so much for your input.

We have just had a chat and I have explained that joint councelling is not going to happen, but I will be making an appointment to attend councelling for myself.

He is upset I won't go to joint relationship councelling, but is happy that I am going to councelling alone.