Counselling leading to false hope

[Calibrate]

My partner is an alcoholic who is verbally nasty to me when drunk. I snapped last week and told him we were done, and he is now in the spare room and we are pretty much leading separate lives.

I have told him I would leave him before, but once he has sobered up and apologised I have backed down. Not this time though. It is as if my love for him switched off overnight and he has realised there is an almighty shift in our dynamic.

He has been to the doctor and has got referals to a variety of services. He hasn't had a drink since last week and has been bending over backwards to look after me, do housework, etc etc.

He is devastated and looks terrible as he isn't eating or sleeping properly. He has asked me if I would consider going to counselling with him, and I agreed. In my mind it would be to make a separation an easier transition, but he now thinks there is a chance of reconciliation, which I am 99% positive is not going to happen.

Should I say I have changed my mind about counselling? Or go?

@lovemenot

Yes his answers to questions were more truthful and it was what I needed to hear.

@Calibrate glad to see you've done what's best for you x

If you find yourself wavering OP, remember that he did nothing when you were hurting from his actions, did nothing when you were hurt by his abuse and has only acted now because you said "enough, I'm out" now he has been motivated into action as his life has been affected, now that his verbal punchbag is leaving only now does he do something as his comfort is threatened. Best of luck on your new start, I hope it all works out for you.

@Dontbeme

If you find yourself wavering OP, remember that he did nothing when you were hurting from his actions, did nothing when you were hurt by his abuse and has only acted now because you said "enough, I'm out" now he has been motivated into action as his life has been affected, now that his verbal punchbag is leaving only now does he do something as his comfort is threatened. Best of luck on your new start, I hope it all works out for you.

He has been pitiful the last few days. Much crying and handwringing, and I had to tell him to get a grip, that the emotional blackmail will not work.

He apologised and said he was trying to communicate how he was feeling. He has ramped it up today though, crying, rocking and threatening to kill himself.

I am furious with him, and the emotional warfare is utterly, utterly draining.

Can you insist he moves out and goes to live somewhere else?

Ah this is awful. He’s only doing all this to get you to stay, then he will slip back to his old ways. In addition he’s being manipulative. It’s an act. And that’s deeply unpleasant behaviour. Worse than the drinking as it’s calculating and abusive.

Just go op. End it. Don’t waste any more of your life living like this. It’s just a never ending circle.

Be out of his way as much as possible.

If he drinks and gets nasty please call the police. This may enable you to get an occupation order and then you can sort out selling the house etc.

@NotaCoolMum

Couples counselling is for couples trying to resolve issues. I’d personally not go as it’s HIM who needs counselling for his issues

That's a common misconception. It can also be a useful tool during the breakup process, and that can be stated by one or both parties right from the start.

OP, if you think you will get something from going to counselling with him, then do it. Otherwise, no. You need to take care of yourself as an individual now, and that will conflict with trying to take care of him.

If he believes that you want to go to counselling to try to reconcile, just tell him he's wrong. If he continues to believe wrongly, that's his business. You don't have to take care of that.

I also think the couple's counselling would be appropriate in this situation. I would feel the need to have an independent witness weigh in on his behaviour. If he is threatening suicide, then I would very much want someone else in on those threats as that is too much to load on you. He is clearly in pain, a lot of pain, a pain far greater than your relationship with him can resolve. Therefore I would also use therapy to support him through your break up and then walk away, knowing you have at least attempted to encourage him to access support and that a mental health professional has 'seen' him.

This morning he is very contrite, cups of tea in bed, full of remorse for his behavior, etc, etc. I know he is in distress at the thought of losing me, but if he had any love
and respect for me at all he would not be putting me through this. I am drained.

At the moment he doesn't want to leave and there isn't an awful lot I can do to make him do so

The behaviour you need to focus on is the behaviour when he's not feeling contrite. Contrite is not day-to-day. Day-to-day behaviour is what you have to concentrate on, and he's already demonstrated that to you as nauseam.

He's metaphorically punched you in the guts, with his behaviour. If you punch someone in the guts, cups of tea in bed and remorsefulness don't take away the bruises and the belly ache. There's nothing he can do to fix this. The damage is done.

He has agreed to go and stay with some of his family for a few days, although they aren't particularly keen to have him either. They are very supportive of me however, and know I desperately need some respite. He has a councelling session booked for later on in the week so hopefully that will get him to see things more clearly and rationally.

I am just so drained. The pressure he has put on me this last couple of weeks is untenable. Hopefully he will behave until he goes to stay with his family

I wouldn't hold your breath. I was married to an alcoholic once. The emotional blackmail, coercive control and blame game is exhausting. When he realises all is lost and that you're serious, things will start to get very nasty. Suicide threats are a well-documented feature of abuse.

By all means go to a counselling session (on your own), but more importantly find a good lawyer and start looking towards a better future for yourself.

He won't change.
They never do.