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Original poster

When to say I love you?

26 replies

troobleflooble · 09/09/2021 13:50

I realise this sounds a bit ridiculous as no one can ever tell you when is the right time!

I'm just trying to get some perspective because I'm an emotional sort of person who 'wears my heart on my sleeve' and am very open and honest about how I feel and why. I realise not everyone is like this though.

I'm in a new relationship (about 2 months) and it's all going really well. I'm nervous and wary because I've had a lot of bad relationships in the past and am on the look out for red flags but I really can't see any with this new guy (so far 😁)

He's had a few relationships but he says he's only ever said 'I love you' to one other person, who he was in a LTR with (over 7yrs). I feel ready to say it now, in fact I've almost accidentally blurted it out in the heat of the moment but this is obviously not something he says lightly (neither do I tbf) so there's a very good chance he won't say it back. But hiding how I really feel isn't my style!

Do I say it, knowing he probably won't say it back yet, or should I wait?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 09/09/2021 14:04

I can't get over the fact that you've both discussed it prior to saying it!

How on earth did that happen?

I'd be a bit wary...because by telling you he's only said it to one other person, he's built it up a bit too much now! As though he's trying to make you want him to say it even more!

Aprilx · 09/09/2021 14:06

Well blurting it out in the heat of the moment might be something you should try to avoid. Hard to say otherwise. I find it odd that he told you he had only told one other person that he loved them though.

seensome · 09/09/2021 14:17

I was with a guy that said the same, plenty of relationships but only told one person he loved them years ago, he did tell me that actually but it turns out he was a non committal guy in the long run.
I hope it's different for you, perhaps you could hint you have feelings for him but I would wait until you know him a bit better.

CharlotteRose90 · 09/09/2021 14:18

I’d say it whenever I felt it I suppose but to me 2 months in is way too soon. You definitely don’t know someone enough at 2 months to be in love. My ex I told him after 8 months and he told me after 12 months. You don’t need to push it.

Original poster
troobleflooble · 09/09/2021 14:48

@FortunesFave I didn't ask him outright it just sort of came up as part of a casual conversation about previous relationships and such. He said he's only said it to one person because he likes me to sure he means it and isn't the kind of person to say it flippantly because words matter. I totally agree!

I think it's that I feel things very intensely and when I fall for someone I tend to fall hard. I'm really trying to not come on too strong though. It's something I'm working on in myself, at the same time if I genuinely do feel that way I don't want to pretend I don't. Does that make sense? He has said that he really likes the fact that I am so open and honest with him but I wonder if this is a step too far at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
troobleflooble · 09/09/2021 14:49

^he likes to be sure

Not sure what happened there! 😂

OP posts:
BasicDad · 09/09/2021 15:19

If when you're with him, it consistently feels like the world doesn't exist around you, and you're caught in an impenetrable bubble...then tell him.

MorriseysGladioli · 09/09/2021 15:22

Oh I don't say it for years. I like to be sure.

Palavah · 09/09/2021 15:23

There are other ways to show and tell him that he's important to you. I'd hold off just now. 2 months is super - early to say it and rightly or wrongly people get quite hung up on that specific wording.

My partner told me really early on and, to be honest, i felt awful because i didn't feel the same at that point.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2021 15:24

My DH said it to me after a few weeks together and I said it back because that's how I felt too, I still love him 18 years later though :p

TheFoundations · 09/09/2021 15:27

The bigger issue here is why do you feel that you want to say 'I love you' to somebody when you're nervous, wary, and on the look out for red flags in the relationship?

You can't have love without trust. If you have trust, you're not any of those ^^ things.

'I really can't see any flags (so far) with you, so, I love you' isn't the right time.

The right time isn't when you are thinking 'I'm not sure if now is the right time or not', and consulting a forum.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 09/09/2021 15:47

Wasn't it someone on here who said "I love you" to a new partner, and the response was a pause and then..."thanks" Shock

Seriously though...

"I think it's that I feel things very intensely and when I fall for someone I tend to fall hard. I'm really trying to not come on too strong though. It's something I'm working on in myself, at the same time if I genuinely do feel that way"

I think given you are aware you need to work on areas like this, if it was me I would give myself a deadline of perhaps another month while you really consider things - are you having any therapy to help you with this? Also "when I fall for someone" - have you felt this on multiple occasions and with the benefit of hindsight realised you had been wrong?

Although I'm not the best person to advise, I said it to DH about a week after we met, and he suggested getting married after six weeks Blush (we did get married and have been extremely happy for couple of decades now Smile but with the benefit of hindsight I think we took a huge risk and if my DCs acted like that in a new relationship I would be extremely worried how irresponsible they were being Grin

Original poster
troobleflooble · 09/09/2021 16:19

@BasicDad I very much do feel like that 😊

@TheFoundations I think I am like that with everyone I meet now tbh. I've been let down before so now I'm a bit 'once bitten, twice shy'. I can't help it, it's self preservation I guess.

The thing is, I really do trust him. One of the things I really like about him is that I feel completely safe and secure with him. I don't feel nervous that he's looking at other people, or that he might screw me over at some point like others have done. I just, don't feel any 'warning signs'. He's respectful and considerate, he's not selfish or lazy. He's a proper grown up who is completely capable of taking care of himself and doesn't need someone to mother him or sponge off. I know all those things should be completely standard in a relationship but it's a bit alien to me because my bar has been set low in the past, due to bad treatment by other people. This time around I've been absolutely determined not to settle for anything less than what I want and deserve in a partner. Which is why I really don't want to scare him off!For the first time (probably ever) I'm seeing what a real relationship should be. Even at this early stage it feels like we are a team working towards a common goal instead of me running around in circles trying to make the other person happy all the time.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles I've only had 2 relationships since my marriage ended 8yrs ago but with hindsight I can see that both of them were pretty dysfunctional and mildly abusive. I guess I wanted so badly for someone to love me that I ignored the very obvious red flags and it lead to me getting badly hurt but I realise now that that's partly on me for being willing to put up with bad behaviour that I shouldn't have. I'm not having therapy yet but lockdown has been a great opportunity to reflect and I think I'm in a better place than I've ever been emotionally/mentally at the moment. I'm starting to know my worth for a change.

OP posts:
Peach01 · 09/09/2021 16:49

I knew with DP after a couple of weeks but there was no way I was saying it. I knew there was something different about us together. I was so sure but was well aware of how soon it was and although we knew each other we didn't know each other. He said it after month. Years down the line now and we're happy as ever.

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/09/2021 17:56

Ah I feel you OP. I've been with my BF for 3 1/2 months and it's a battle to not say it tbh! But I don't want to put pressure on him to say it if he isn't feeling that way yet, plus I'm a coward 😂! It's agony.

MyMabel · 09/09/2021 17:59

The first time it was said for us was when DP’s mum died. I don’t think if it was for the emotional circumstances then we ever would. The only other time we’ve really said it is at time when we’re laughing at each other for saying something daft/funny or when he proposed. I mean, I can’t really find any other context to say it in.. unless you’re someone who puts it on the end of every text which to me just sounds exhausting.

MyMabel · 09/09/2021 18:00

Actions speak louder than words.

TheFoundations · 09/09/2021 18:18

I think the fact that you're looking for external validation in your relationship when you've had previous abusive relationships indicates that you still have some more work to do. Your boyfriend's opinion of you will matter much more to you than anybody on MN, and if he tells you you've done it wrong, you'll believe him.

In a healthy relationship, you feel, truly, that you can be 100% who you are, especially with something as intimate as this. You don't worry that you being you will 'scare the other person off', because you have enough confidence in your own self validation to know that if you being you is scary to them, they are not the right person for you, and you'll be ok with that.

If you want to tell him, tell him. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Don't bend yourself into being what another person wants you to be. That's how to end up in an abusive relationship.

Sandybeachtowel · 09/09/2021 19:05

I’m like you op, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I value vulnerability and communication but yes you are right, not everyone is like that.
It’s great you are happy and feeling it but I would definitely let him say it first. Us heart on our sleeves type get burnt and hurt easily, especially in these type of situations.
I did this and he didn’t say it back, in fact we chatted it through and apparently he just liked me Hmm
But…I would communicate a conversation with him and find out how he’s feeling about the relationship, find out if you have similar goals, values and future? You will get a really good feel if he does love you. Drop hints but don’t say it, have him freak out and you feeling terrible after.

Gilda152 · 09/09/2021 19:09

Does it matter who says it first? I mean one of you has to, why not you?

OrangeIsTheNewRed · 09/09/2021 22:45

Say it during sex. Worked for me!

SeaShoreGalore · 09/09/2021 23:11

If you've got to ask us, it's too soon.

Original poster
troobleflooble · 10/09/2021 00:05

@OrangeIsTheNewRed well that's the problem! I've almost blurted it out a few times in the moment 😂

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 10/09/2021 00:27

I think people have different expectations of what they mean by ‘I love you’. You sound like what you mean by it is ‘I think you’re amazing, and right now I’m really happy, and feel emotional when I’m around you. Other people mean something more along the lines of ‘I would literally forsake all others for you. Forever.’

mobear · 10/09/2021 00:41

Agree with @SeaShoreGalore. I said it to DP a few years after we met. It took him 8 years and one DC to finally say it. He had very high expectations of what it meant. That said, if you want to say it, I think you should say it.

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