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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Left it too late

30 replies

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 12:18

Feeling a bit anxious so some supportive comments would be great.

I am 33 now and I feel like I have left it too late to find someone for a proper relationship and to have kids with.

I got out of an abusive controlling relationship in Jan 2020 which was a good thing. I was 31 back then and thought I have plenty of time but then the pandemic hit and has put a stop to my plans of finding someone.

I have been online dating since May and have been on about 5 dates but not met anyone special.

It's all feeling v pressured in my head and a friend of mine even said that I was putting too much pressure on myself to find someone.

Also worried about just settling for someone who isn't really right just for the sake of having kids, which I have seen friends do, and it turns out pretty disastrous.

I have health insurance with work that pays for fertility treatment (I know I am so so so lucky). I've been looking into becoming a single mother with a donor. I feel like if I had a baby alone (just one mind) it would take the pressure off finding someone massively. I am financially in a position to do this (I know huge privilege).

I discussed this with a friend and she said to give it some time, as I have a few years before we're at a "now or never" moment.

I know this sounds dramatic as it's not like I am really getting to old to conceive, but it keeps popping into my mind. Just interested in getting some different viewpoints.

OP posts:

NotPersephone · 09/09/2021 12:21

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Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 12:22

Also worth noting that I am a complete perfectionist and set unreasonably high standards for myself, that I would never in a million years set for other people.

When one aspect of my life isn't "perfect" I give myself a terribly hard time about it (this being the current stick to beat my self up with!)

I am aware I have a lot of very good things about my life, but this is an important aspect of it to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 12:23

@NotPersephone

I didn’t meet my DH until 34 and we have a DS, but if I was in a position to do so and really wanted kids then I’d go it alone. By the time you’ve been referred, seen, tested etc you will be 35 ish which is when it all starts to go south fertility-wise.

It also takes the pressure off massively.

It's actually pretty quick because it's private, so I don't think it will take 2 years for referral and tests.

OP posts:

NotPersephone · 09/09/2021 13:26

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TheFoundations · 09/09/2021 13:44

You've got years.

Also worried about just settling for someone who isn't really right

You sound like you might become victim to this circumstance. Who's in charge? Surely if someone isn't right you can choose not to settle with them?

dovesandroses · 09/09/2021 13:58

I would date for at least another 18months if I were you, before throwing in the towel
You've only been on 5 dates so far that isn't enough to say you've given it a good try, once you've had a baby you know it would be extremely challenging to date afterwards. Everyone panics that fertility drops off a cliff at 35 but plenty of women do have babies into late 30s and early 40s.

Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 14:39

@TheFoundations

You've got years.

Also worried about just settling for someone who isn't really right

You sound like you might become victim to this circumstance. Who's in charge? Surely if someone isn't right you can choose not to settle with them?

No I do know I'm in charge. This is why I am being proactive and thinking about what I want in the next few years now.

Being a victim of circumstances is defo not my style. I'm just thinking of my friends who this has happened to.

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Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 14:40

Ok so 2 votes for do it now and 2 votes for carry on dating.

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Palavah · 09/09/2021 14:45

You absolutely haven't left it too late, but you're right to consider going solo.

Would you look at freezing eggs now anyway? I considered it at 36, and now at 40 am having to make pregnancy decisions sooner than I'd like because I'm concerned about egg quality. You'd buy yourself time whether you end up in a co-parenting relationship or not.

You say you've researched - if not already do check out 'the stork and i' for solo motherhood info. I found it really useful to help my decision process.

TheFoundations · 09/09/2021 14:46

I think the issue might lie elsewhere, and this is a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem itself.

the current stick to beat my self up with

Have you had a look into this? You could do a bit of self exploration, a bit of digging, a bit of counselling, maybe? All under the heading of 'making yourself the best parent you can be'. That way you get to sort out the bubbling-under stuff, whilst also feeling like you've taken a healthy step towards becoming a great Mum.

HollowTalk · 09/09/2021 14:47

Definitely wait. Put your efforts into mixing with as many decent guys as possible. You're still really young!

Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 14:48

I hadn't considered egg freezing. That's such a good suggestion. It might be good for me actually because then I could relax and actually enjoy dating. I think you might have found the answer.

Thank you for the suggestion, I will have a look!

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fidgetmad · 09/09/2021 14:49

It's actually pretty quick because it's private, so I don't think it will take 2 years for referral and tests.

My friend is getting IVF privately just now. The waiting list to go privately has doubled since covid. Some nhs services stopped inc. ivf so its had a knock on effect to private. Well that's the case where I love anyway.

Would you consider freezing eggs and seeing if you meet someone in the next few years? Of not you can go it alone at that stage?

Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 14:50

@TheFoundations

I think the issue might lie elsewhere, and this is a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem itself.

the current stick to beat my self up with

Thanks for this!

I am having counselling about this.

I thought it was relevant to mention because I am defo one for focusing on the one area of my life that's not "up to scratch" in my books and overly stressing about it. So maybe that's what's happening here?

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fidgetmad · 09/09/2021 14:50

Sorry, our posts crossed!

Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 14:52

Would you consider freezing eggs and seeing if you meet someone in the next few years? Of not you can go it alone at that stage?

Very sensible, I think this is probably the answer tbh.

I might have the initial investigations (scan, blood test) to see how everything is looking and see what's what. I guess I can be less by the outcome of that.

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Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 14:57

@fidgetmad

It's actually pretty quick because it's private, so I don't think it will take 2 years for referral and tests.

Would you consider freezing eggs and seeing if you meet someone in the next few years? Of not you can go it alone at that stage?

Thanks for the info on this- I didn't know this and feel for people who have been TTC for a while.

Makes sense it's backed up after the pandemic.

I guess I could book in for the tests now for a few months. No particular rush is there?

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Shurl · 09/09/2021 14:58

Can you do both simultaneously? If it is going to take years, start the process of doing it alone soonish, but continue to date. I don't necessarily see that the two need to be be mutually exclusive

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 14:58

I would make a plan B of some kind to take the pressure off. If by the age of 37-38 I am still single I will use a sperm donor etc. If you have a plan A,B and C you will feel you have more control over your future.

The perfectionist in you will hold you back, so learn to live with the imperfection and embrace the different sides of your character and others. It is okay to be less than perfect and perfect does not exist.

lonelySam · 09/09/2021 14:59

You don't have to have IVF to get pregnant with a donor sperm. IUI is also an option (or is it not in the UK?). It's quicker, less invasive, way cheaper and it doesn't need any extensive treatment. You could try that first befoee going down the IVF route.

Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 15:02

@lonelySam

When I spoke to the clinic they said that they would usually try this first for 3 ish rounds (unless of course during the investigations they find anything that would indicate straight to IVF would be the appropriate route).

Maybe this is why the timings in my head are different than other posters.

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Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 15:03

@zenthoughtsonlythanks

Yes I think a "cut off" age in my head would be a good idea. Perhaps this coupled with freezing some eggs would be good.

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Original poster

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 15:03

@Shurl

Can you do both simultaneously? If it is going to take years, start the process of doing it alone soonish, but continue to date. I don't necessarily see that the two need to be be mutually exclusive

Yes I could absolutely do this, you're right.

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TheFoundations · 09/09/2021 15:23

focusing on the one area of my life that's not "up to scratch" in my books and overly stressing about it. So maybe that's what's happening here

Maybe. Your future kids may be teaching you useful things about yourself already, and they're still only eggs :)

Investigate why your focus is on the negative, why your stick to beat yourself with is so big, and when you say 'in your books', have a look at why they're written as they are; ie, where are you getting the standards from that you feel you must live up to? There's a lot of variables here, but getting to the bottom of it will be the lesson we all ought to be taught as kids, and you'll be well placed to teach it to your kids when they come: the lesson on how to be resolute in knowing that we ROCK.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 09/09/2021 15:25

Egg thawing is not always foolproof - my understanding (from news articles alone!) is that it has a reasonable failure rate.

I would recommend getting a basic private fertility MOT - this should help you think about how much time you could wait it out to see if you meet someone

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