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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband took drugs again

37 replies

Heather0 · 09/09/2021 11:20

Hoping someone can help me. Me and my husband have been together for years but only recently got married. At the beginning of our relationship my husband used to take a class A drug on a night out, but he wasn't addicted. It bothered me and I made him stop. Years later we are married with 2 kids, and a few weeks ago he went out with some old work friends and took drugs that night. He promises he won't do it again but I feel betrayed that he lied to me about it and the fact we have 2 kids, it just makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:

FatCatThinCat · 09/09/2021 11:29

That would be a deal breaker for me.

phoebewallyfridge · 09/09/2021 11:33

I'm guessing cocaine?

Does he say its a one off?

Original poster

Heather0 · 09/09/2021 11:36

I'm so annoyed. Yeah it's cocaine, he spent £50 on it as well. He says it was a one off and he only did it because others did, but I don't understand why he had to do it in the first place.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2021 11:38

He did it because others did? What is he, 12? He did it becayse he wanted to, he could at least own it.

Marmelace · 09/09/2021 11:40

My ex took cocaine without me knowing, I was rather naive, I didn't know, his aggression and unreasonable nature got worse over time. Life became scary. I would never go through that again.

Original poster

Heather0 · 09/09/2021 11:41

That's exactly what I said! It's not like someone forced it on him, he had to think about whether he wanted to spend £50 and then he had to buy it and take it, he could have easily said no. They're old work colleagues who he hasn't seen in over a year, chances are he's not going to see them again, not sure why he felt like he had to.

OP posts:

Chocolatefreak · 09/09/2021 11:42

When did he lie about it? Did he deny that he had, and then you found evidence that he had, to which he admitted?

I wouldn't say occasional use of recreational drugs is a deal breaker, but lying to you about when he uses it would suggest he uses it more than he admits to. That would be more worrying. Was he with your kids whilst under the influence?

People can occasionally take cocaine without it impacting negatively on their lives. Concealing it from your partner or in front of kids is another matter.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2021 11:42

He didn’t feel like he had to op. He felt like he wanted to, so he did.

BasicDad · 09/09/2021 11:47

Did it impact his commitments to you or your family the day(s) after? Or was everything normal, or no different to if he just had a boozy session?

Some folks take drugs recreationally and infrequently. It doesn't affect their lives or jobs because they're responsible with it. It's no different to managing how anyone consumes alcohol really.

Is it the criminal element of it? Or do you just not like it?

Original poster

Heather0 · 09/09/2021 12:00

His jaw was swinging when he came home so I questioned him about it and he lied. It's been playing on my mind ever since and then he finally admitted it. The kids were in bed when he got home so it never affected them and he just had a hangover the next day, but he has health issues so I don't know why he would do it, and I'm very anti drug which he knew from day one. He promised years ago he would never do it again, it almost destroyed us back then.

OP posts:

Chocolatefreak · 09/09/2021 12:07

Have you experienced trauma from family or friends using in front of you, or something similar, OP? Was he frequently using it in the past? If so, then I'd say he's being very insensitive.

If he wasn't incapacitated the next day, it's very occasional use, and your only objection is a personal one, then I'd say you're overreacting slightly. That's probably why he concealed it from you. Not a very adult thing to do but maybe he thinks you're controlling.

LakeShoreD · 09/09/2021 12:14

Hmm given it didn’t really affect anything beyond what you’d expect from a standard piss up (home after the kids were in bed, hungover next day) I think you’re overreacting. And no doubt he knew you’d react the way he did so that’s why he lied. Yes it’s illegal and no I don’t like it either but recreational coke use is so common hence doing it with your work colleagues. Unless there’s more to it? Did he used to have a bad problem or something?

Original poster

Heather0 · 09/09/2021 12:18

He was never addicted but he used to take it on nights out, including our first date, which I didn't find out about for months. The first year of our relationship was just constant arguments about it, he used to lie about it and it almost broke us. I wouldn't say I'm controlling, I just worry a lot.

OP posts:

Isitreallyme177 · 09/09/2021 12:21

All I see is you made him stop because you had an issue with it and are anti drugs(why get with someone who does drugs if you are so anti?) not that he had an issue with cocaine. I'm not surprised he lied to you and I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time he has used it whilst being with you.

Fluffypastelslippers · 09/09/2021 12:21

I would have ended it when I found out the first time because I abhor drugs. The fact that you have been here before would be enough for me. The poster who suggested you are overreacting is incorrect. You are allowed to decide whether or not you spend your life with someone who uses drugs, that person isn't your husband. You know what to do.

Original poster

Heather0 · 09/09/2021 12:27

I fell in love with him, the first year was hard but we've been happily together for almost 10 years, I don't regret it for a second. I just don't know why after all these years he would take it again.

OP posts:

Fluffypastelslippers · 09/09/2021 12:35

@Heather0

Because he wants to. It's as simple as that. He is an adult making adult choices and if they don't suit you your answer is to separate.

BasicDad · 09/09/2021 13:17

It was probably a touch naive getting into a relationship with someone that did not share your core values, i.e. anti-drug.

Also naive of him to promise that he'd never take them ever again.

It probably boils down to if you can now compromise by accepting that it might happen infrequently, but ensuring that it never impacts you or your family.

Isitreallyme177 · 09/09/2021 13:55

@Heather0

Again, It probably isn't the first time just the first time you found out. If he knows where to get it now after 10 years of not doing it then he knew where to get it in the previous years. Also its not something you suddenly think after 10 years of not doing it, "i know I'll buy a gram of coke". From my experience you give up drugs for good, you don't suddenly decide to go back to them after 10 years.

I'm not trying to be argumentive or stick the boot in just trying to put a bit of reality in here. I think you might be being a bit naive thinking he hasn't touched it in 10 years and it was all down to these ex work colleagues that he did.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2021 14:03

"At the beginning of our relationship my husband used to take a class A drug on a night out, but he wasn't addicted. It bothered me and I made him stop".

How did you know back then he was not addicted?. Your own naivety has cost you dearly here, you took your principles re being anti drugs and discarded them completely. It was also naive to think that you made him stop; my guess is that he has carried on using throughout your marriage too. He has in you an ideal foil and enabler; he really does not respect you at all and sees you as a right mug,

Only HE can make himself stop; what could be seen also as coercion from you to do so was and often is doomed to failure. As if you could have ever done anything at all to stop him (again naive at the very least), he was using on your first date!. But why did you go onto marry him and have two children by him?. Love here is not enough and you're going to have to ask yourself some really awkward questions here as to why you chose him at all.

BasicDad · 09/09/2021 15:22

Let's not confuse recreational drug taking with substance abuse and addiction until there's reason to suspect that is the case. Agree with a lot of what PP said though.

phoebewallyfridge · 11/09/2021 09:10

The problem with coke is that once is often never enough.

You take it, you want more.

OP, I hope this was just a one off and things get back to normal for you. But look out for the signs of regular use. (Decreased appetite, sniffing/blowing nose, change in sleeping patterns) not to mention the mood swings, irritability and many other non-physical side effects that come with regular use.

( former addict here)

Itstimetoquit · 11/09/2021 11:02

He will keep doing it,my ex is exactly the same x

heyday · 11/09/2021 12:33

I guess he was having a great night out and felt that taking cocaine would enhance his happiness on the night. If everything else is pretty ok on your relationship then perhaps you will need to just overlook this (and the fact that he may well take it from time to time). You can't make him stop using it. If he wants to never take it again then that's his choice however, if he wants to recreationally use it occasionally that is his decision also). On that basis you now have to make your own decision as to whether to continue in this relationship.

Oblomov21 · 11/09/2021 12:41

You knew right back at the beginning though. You still made your choice.

I disagree with most posters:

Phoebe : "The problem with coke is that once is often never enough.
You take it, you want more. "

Nope. I disagree. Some yes, not all. Depends if you've got an addictive personality. Plenty of people can take it and then leave it.

Attila: "my guess is that he has carried on using throughout your marriage too."

That's a huge assumption. If so he's need £50 very regularly.

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