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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband took drugs again

37 replies

Heather0 · 09/09/2021 11:20

Hoping someone can help me. Me and my husband have been together for years but only recently got married. At the beginning of our relationship my husband used to take a class A drug on a night out, but he wasn't addicted. It bothered me and I made him stop. Years later we are married with 2 kids, and a few weeks ago he went out with some old work friends and took drugs that night. He promises he won't do it again but I feel betrayed that he lied to me about it and the fact we have 2 kids, it just makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 11/09/2021 12:44

People can occasionally take cocaine without it impacting negatively on their lives.

No they can’t, I’ve never met a coke head who wasn’t an angry horrible fucker. It changes people.

Oblomov21 · 11/09/2021 12:49

Never ever seen any anger.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2021 12:55

You've condoned his drug use from the very beginning by staying with him. This is who he is, and he doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

layladomino · 11/09/2021 13:00

I'm so sorry. I completely understand why you are so upset by this...

He took a drug that is illegal, that he knows you have huge objections to, that nearly broke you up in the past and that he promised never to take again.

He then lied to you when you asked if he'd take it.

If it's no big deal to him then why did he take it and risk what you have? If he can resist it then why didn't he, given what he'd promised you? How can you trust him not to take it again? How can you trust him at all when he's broken a promise and then lied to you about it?

I think this would break my trust in him and question who he is.

phoebewallyfridge · 11/09/2021 14:13

It's clear that many of the posters here have little understanding of both cocaine and addiction.

OP
I hope you are OK and that you and your partner get through this.

It is possible to have an addiction and still love and care about someone. It is not black and white.

The FRANK website has some amazing resources.

AgentJohnson · 12/09/2021 15:24

The first year of our relationship was just constant arguments about it, he used to lie about it and it almost broke us.

Hmm, yet you still married him.

What should you do? Accept that your H is a recreational drug user and base your decisions accordingly. It appears that in the past, you didn’t and despite form for lying, you took him at his word.

He takes drugs because he wants to and your dislike of them didn’t, hasn’t and won’t change that. His friends took them and that’s why he did excuse, along with the lies just highlights how pathetic he really is.

Take your blinkers off, this is who he is.

legan08 · 22/09/2023 08:57

Long story don't know where to start 😪

I've been married for 10 years and the last 2 years have been really hard.

I found out that my husband had signed up to a website for married people to have discreet fun. He said it was just online chat and he never planned to meet up with anyone. He said he was seeking attention and affirmation that he was still attractive (he is 45) we adopted a little girl the year before and it was in lockdown. He said he didn't feel himself and that he had anxiety.

We moved passed it but I haven't been able to regain trust. A few other things have come up since where he has liked sexy pictures of girls online via twitter u found out and he deleted the app. I've recently found the same thing on his Instagram.

We recently went to a family festival and I found out he took mushrooms. I didn't find out until a week later after I saw a message to his friend talking about how I never suspected what he had done. The message was asking for more mushrooms so he can take on his next fishing trip. I explained I wasn't happy with that especially as we have a young daughter. He said he just wants to do it the once. He used drugs in his younger years and to my knowledge he hasn't done throughout our relationship.

We recently discussed separation and bottom line our sex life has always been strained more so because we have dogs and its near on impossible to get time along. He then discussed swinging which I initially happy to entertain but then realised absolutely not for me. Maybe I was desperate to find a way to make it work.

I've now been upfront and asked him to fully process what he wants in life and can he been 100% honest going forward. Last week he said he didn't know that he could be. Yesterday he has now said that he wants me and only me and that he doesn't want to swing and will only focus on me and now is sure that he can be faithful.

Problem is I don't know if I can trust him. I haven't been able to talk to family or friends through fear of judgement.

We bought a house last year and have some debt and if we did split we would need to live together until that's clear.

I don't know if I'm staying because I love him which I do every other aspect of our life is great. We are like best friends. Or do I have fear of unknown if I do separate. I've never wanted a spilt family. I also don't know how financially I will manage.

Please help and advice is our marriage dead or can we work through it?

Gorganzolabrie · 22/09/2023 12:01

@legan08 You need to start your own thread

legan08 · 22/09/2023 12:03

Thank you I've done that now 🙂

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 13:59

Personally I think his body his choice and as long as he isn't addicted and therefore behaving like an addict and aslong as he doesn't come home wasted if there are kids there then.... does it really matter that much really? Do you go out and drink alcohol? It's no different really. Not worth ruining a relationship over that's for sure.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 14:03

Regularsizedrudy · 11/09/2021 12:44

People can occasionally take cocaine without it impacting negatively on their lives.

No they can’t, I’ve never met a coke head who wasn’t an angry horrible fucker. It changes people.

Taking cocaine occasionally and being a "coke head" is not the same thing. Plenty of people take coke occasionally with friends, have a good night, don't behave like a dick except talking about themselves a bit too much and then don't take it again for a good while.
Then there are people who regularly take it on many occasions but don't behave badly, then there are people who take it regularly and behave like a "coke head". Then there are people who are properly addicted.
This is a far far more nuanced subject then you seem to think it is with a drug like cocaine tbh.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 14:56

Something I will say though is that it doesn't really matter what other people think. If this is a deal breaker to you it's a deal breaker...but like...he will do this again because you both fundamentally disagree about recreational drug use and tbh you probably shouldn't have got together as it got brought up so much in the first year and he enjoyed this and you are so anti-drugs.

So if this really is a deal breaker and you really are going to get this upset over it then leave as it will happen again, he will hide it from you as he knows it causes upset.

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