Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Please help me digest this (trigger warning)

50 replies

Confusedbear91 · 09/09/2021 09:38

Sorry I'm not sure if this thread needs a warning on it as it involves sexual abuse so don't want anyone reading it who would be uncomfortable with that!

I found out recently that DH was abused by a family member (not parent if that makes any difference). He won't go into details but I don't think it involves actual rape, just other stuff. He would have been about 6. He seems okay with it all, and isn't too upset actually, which I'm surprised by. It's all just come out to the rest of his family, which has obviously shocked everyone. I think they're going to try and work through it as DH has said he has forgiven them and doesn't necessarily want to fall out over it. I want to support him, but I don't know if I can look at this family member the same way ever again. Is that an overreaction if everyone else is moving on? I don't want them around my kids, and tbh don't even want their kids around mine either, but I feel worried I'm messing the whole family up if I insist on this. I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and can't trust this person. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Feeling pretty shocked at the moment and not sure how I should be feeling.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 09/09/2021 09:43

I wouldn't have my children anywhere near this family surely they should have cut this person off.

Seeleyboo · 09/09/2021 09:45

Sexual abuse survivor here. Protection is key now. Protect your children, husband, you and anyone else you can. Keep this beast away from you all. My family fell out when my story came out. We had the believers and non believers. Although it was hard to come to terms with the fact that some family wouldn't speak to me again i accepted that. To protect me. Good luck OP. If you need to message me, please do so.

Original poster

Confusedbear91 · 09/09/2021 09:48

Does it make a difference if this person was a teenager at the time? I still think they were old enough to take responsibility for their actions. I don't know exactly how the rest of the family feel as I haven't spoken to them, so not sure what will happen now. I just feel sick at the thought of this person, who up until now I've got on really well with.

OP posts:

roolz · 09/09/2021 09:51

Normal for him not to be affected by it, as far as he knows, if he was so young. Especially if it's something he can't really remember well or at all

However steps should absolutely be taken. I would not let my kids around this person. He may well have forgiven, but he needs to be responsible

Seeleyboo · 09/09/2021 09:51

Being a teen wouldn't matter to me. That person would be avoided. And i would make sure they knew why. Never minimise sexual abuse.

TheVolturi · 09/09/2021 10:07

A teen is accountable for their actions. I would report to police as well because there may be others.

10ColaBottles · 09/09/2021 10:08

His response and feeling about it now don't reflect the impact it will have had on him. Body and mind are amazing at protecting us from pain of traumatic events.

As per the above. Keep you all away from the abuser and don't look back.

SoulfulSal · 09/09/2021 10:15

Six? Fucking six?

Are you seriously asking if it would be an overreaction to not let your children be near this paedophile?

The rest of the family trying to brush this under the carpet are disgusting. This person has children of their own, living with them?

I would support my dh, absolutely.

I would encourage him to have counselling and to report the person to the police. I would be as gentle as possible.

Ultimately...if dh refused to report this, I would do it instead. Even if it caused a massive falling out with my dh.

A known paedophile who abused a six year old needs reporting at any cost.

Bananarama21 · 09/09/2021 10:19

The Jon Venables and Robert Thompson were 10 when they were convicted on account at that age they know right from wrong. Being a teenager they know right and wrong.

scarpa · 09/09/2021 10:34

This happened to my DH. He was 7, the family member was 9.

He has forgiven, if not forgotten - the other person was a child and had, it turns out, been abused himself. We don't have kids and never will, nor are we close enough that if we did they'd be left in sole care of them anyway, but that wouldn't necessarily be a concern for me given the circumstances and the person's sincere apologies and understanding of what happened and the severity of it and his devastation at the events that occurred.

I'm not saying this should be the case for everyone and it very much depends on the circumstances - and I'm not trying to excuse anyone at all. But in cases of COCSA it is not always clear cut and this person may not be a risk to children as an adult (although it's absolutely your choice and reasonable to decide not to take that risk whatsoever).

scarpa · 09/09/2021 10:36

Apologies, I've seen that the person involved was a teen. That certainly changes my view - sorry, ignore my previous post.

SameToo · 09/09/2021 10:40

Your husband ‘doesn’t necessarily want to fall out’. That to mean says he feels guilt over what’s happened and is protecting the offender.

In these cases I think it’s best for the police to decide what is best. As a previous poster said there could be more victims and this person could still be abusing. And if they have children why would the family not want to protect them?

Keep your children away. Kick up a fuss. This is not ok.

SameToo · 09/09/2021 10:41

*that to me says

SoulfulSal · 09/09/2021 10:45

@scarpa agree that there are certainly 'grey areas' with COCSA. In the case of a 7 and 9 year old, I can understand why a 'move on' mentality would be adopted.

A 6 year old and 13 plus year old though? And we don't even know how old this teen was, they could have been 17. It's not something that should be brushed under the carpet.

SoulfulSal · 09/09/2021 10:46

Sorry @scarpa, just saw your further post!

Original poster

Confusedbear91 · 09/09/2021 11:00

Thanks for the replies, I do think it's been confused by the fact that it was a teenager and not an adult, and I definitely think DH sees it as his responsibility to not upset them. I've got an abusive father myself, so I understand that dynamic and am talking to him about this, and telling him that his feelings matter as well in all this! I think a lot for him will depend on his parents' reaction, and I'm not sure about that at the moment, they must be in shock too. Right now I honestly don't think I can be around them, or let my children be around them, and I just feel so numb by all this as everything from this person has just been a lie.

OP posts:

workshy44 · 09/09/2021 12:29

I wouldn't let my children be around them but I would have no issue with his children- its not their fault
Does the abuser acknowledge it happened? Was he a young teen- say 13 is different to 18 ?

Original poster

Confusedbear91 · 09/09/2021 13:14

I think they were around 13. They were the one who brought it up to the family, which has made me angry for DH as it's surely his experience to share should he choose, rather than the abuser being able to choose. From what I've heard it's like they blame DH and their parents for not stopping them. Lots of excuses but I've got absolutely no sympathy for them at all. Should DH be more angry or is it okay for him to have let it go?

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 09/09/2021 13:24

Blaming the victim is as sick as it gets, after the abuse. You are 100% right to be angry, disgusted, repulsed and to cut all contact. I suspect this is DH's brother. I would worry for his children, if that is how he looks upon the victims of his serial assault. Vile.

SummerWhisper · 09/09/2021 13:24

*Sexual not serial, apologies x

SameToo · 09/09/2021 13:29

Wow! Blaming the victim! Why has this person announced this now? Do you think it’s likely they’ve done something similar to someone else and been caught? Seems odd they would mention it otherwise.

Original poster

Confusedbear91 · 09/09/2021 14:33

Without being too outing @SameToo, their oldest child is about that age, so no concerned about that so will raise it with DH. My God, what a mess.

OP posts:

DancesWithFelines · 09/09/2021 19:26

I know a girl who was abused by a teenager when she was 6 and he was 15, it was taken extremely seriously and while he narrowly escaped a custodial sentence he had to take courses and sign the SA register etc.

I find it astounding that your DH's family member has announced this - surely he knows he could be reported?

Original poster

Confusedbear91 · 09/09/2021 19:42

It was during an argument so I guess they got carried away, but I think she genuinely believes everyone knows about it already and hasn't done enough to support them (the abuser). From talking to people today I feel like it's going to be brushed under the carpet and a reconciliation will be pushed as that will make everyone happier. So that means I'll have to be the bad guy for refusing to let my kids be around them! I don't know if I should push DH into being more upset/angry or if he's just not in that place right now. He agrees the kids won't go near her, but insists he's moved on and he was never bothered by it.

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 09/09/2021 21:46

It's his sister? That is equally disturbing, but unexpected. I can understand why it's thrown you. What a terrible situation.

Flip

1 2